Wow! I was just going through my messages, and there is a lot to catch up with!! If you all that want to chat/message with me again could please send me a new message, it would really save me the head ache of sorting out conversations that I started when I was on my drinking binge, so can't actually remember...lol! Please don't take offense that I can't remember what we had been talking about!!! It's just that I killed a lot of brain cells is all...
Ha ha, I read the neuroscience paper I wrote in December, it was really well written, but I don't remember writing a word of it... literally, I don't know what a lot of the words I used actually mean, hahahaha!! But in the conclusion I made some hypotheses and the prof gave me an A on it, so it must have made sense to me at the time...but sadly those neurons are gone
Now I finally understand why so many people hate being single!! For those 11 years that I was dating my 3 ex boyfriends (they each lasted about 3.5 years, and out of that whole time I had only been single for 2 months!!) all I wanted was to have my own apartment and be single for a while, to get to know myself. Now that I'm single with my own apartment, all I can think about is how lonely it is without a guy around. LAME!! I know I need to be single and learn myself, because my behavioral habits as they are, are just awful!! I don't eat and I sleep on a couch even though I have my own two bedroom apartment, just me and my kitties... "No TV and no beer, make Homer...something...something..." hahaha! I haven't had a TV for 6 years so that's not a big deal, but what do you do with yourself being sober all the time? It's been more than a decade that I've done pot, alcohol, pain killers, H, meth or coke at least once a day...except for the last 3 months.... I made it 3 months last year too, actually, but then started binge drinking when I had to put my kitty to sleep a year ago April 8th.... That's coming up pretty soon now, but I think I'll be ok. I get so much more beat up over one of my kitties dying that I've ever gotten over the death of a human... Plus she died from diabetes... and I had to give her 2 shots a day for 2 months before she died. Ex H addicts shouldn't be giving anyone shots!! So, a drinking binge was actually much better than going back to shooting H!! I haven't done H in 8 years, so that doesn't really bug me anymore... it was just having to be around those needles that got to me...
Sober and lonely, that's a dangerous combination!!! Currently I have a friend from rehab staying with me, so that helps the loneliness! He had a relapse tho, but he's doing much better now. I had to go retrieve him from Denver a few days ago and he's been staying with me ever since. I hope this doesn't turn into one of those "life lessons" that you end up regretting later! But he's a very sweet guy and one of my oldest friends knows him really well, even though I didn't meet him until I got to rehab. Turns out me and him grew up in the same neighborhood, but he's 6 years older than me, so we never met, but we know a lot of the same people. I don't think it's good for him to stay here though... he has to take UAs and I work at a dispensary... so I smoke like a freaking chimney...haha...
I don't count pot as a drug, I consider it a dietary supplement... I know it interacts with our neurotransmitters, which is the more official definition of a drug, but as apposed to the other drugs, when you use it frequently, you still function better without it... there are no withdrawals (except for mild anxiety, but my anxiety is always so high anyways, I don't hardly notice)... when ever you use any of the other drugs constantly (caffeine and nicotine included), you can't function without them because the withdrawals will start. Like if your a coffee addict, you can't function in the morning without it. You become dependent on it because you can't handle how you feel without them. Pot, however, I've never really cared if I have or I don't have, even though I'm a 24/7 smoker. Like when I went to that conference over the summer, couldn't smoke for a week and it didn't phase me at all. If I had been deep into my drinking binge when that happened, I would have killed for alcohol under the same circumstance.
I'm trying to find a second job, I love the dispensary, but they totally cut my hours because they're doing a change of management. One of the places I'm applying does cannabis research, that would be freaking awesome!!
Well, I should get some sleep....
Thanks for reading
Ha ha, I read the neuroscience paper I wrote in December, it was really well written, but I don't remember writing a word of it... literally, I don't know what a lot of the words I used actually mean, hahahaha!! But in the conclusion I made some hypotheses and the prof gave me an A on it, so it must have made sense to me at the time...but sadly those neurons are gone
Now I finally understand why so many people hate being single!! For those 11 years that I was dating my 3 ex boyfriends (they each lasted about 3.5 years, and out of that whole time I had only been single for 2 months!!) all I wanted was to have my own apartment and be single for a while, to get to know myself. Now that I'm single with my own apartment, all I can think about is how lonely it is without a guy around. LAME!! I know I need to be single and learn myself, because my behavioral habits as they are, are just awful!! I don't eat and I sleep on a couch even though I have my own two bedroom apartment, just me and my kitties... "No TV and no beer, make Homer...something...something..." hahaha! I haven't had a TV for 6 years so that's not a big deal, but what do you do with yourself being sober all the time? It's been more than a decade that I've done pot, alcohol, pain killers, H, meth or coke at least once a day...except for the last 3 months.... I made it 3 months last year too, actually, but then started binge drinking when I had to put my kitty to sleep a year ago April 8th.... That's coming up pretty soon now, but I think I'll be ok. I get so much more beat up over one of my kitties dying that I've ever gotten over the death of a human... Plus she died from diabetes... and I had to give her 2 shots a day for 2 months before she died. Ex H addicts shouldn't be giving anyone shots!! So, a drinking binge was actually much better than going back to shooting H!! I haven't done H in 8 years, so that doesn't really bug me anymore... it was just having to be around those needles that got to me...
Sober and lonely, that's a dangerous combination!!! Currently I have a friend from rehab staying with me, so that helps the loneliness! He had a relapse tho, but he's doing much better now. I had to go retrieve him from Denver a few days ago and he's been staying with me ever since. I hope this doesn't turn into one of those "life lessons" that you end up regretting later! But he's a very sweet guy and one of my oldest friends knows him really well, even though I didn't meet him until I got to rehab. Turns out me and him grew up in the same neighborhood, but he's 6 years older than me, so we never met, but we know a lot of the same people. I don't think it's good for him to stay here though... he has to take UAs and I work at a dispensary... so I smoke like a freaking chimney...haha...
I don't count pot as a drug, I consider it a dietary supplement... I know it interacts with our neurotransmitters, which is the more official definition of a drug, but as apposed to the other drugs, when you use it frequently, you still function better without it... there are no withdrawals (except for mild anxiety, but my anxiety is always so high anyways, I don't hardly notice)... when ever you use any of the other drugs constantly (caffeine and nicotine included), you can't function without them because the withdrawals will start. Like if your a coffee addict, you can't function in the morning without it. You become dependent on it because you can't handle how you feel without them. Pot, however, I've never really cared if I have or I don't have, even though I'm a 24/7 smoker. Like when I went to that conference over the summer, couldn't smoke for a week and it didn't phase me at all. If I had been deep into my drinking binge when that happened, I would have killed for alcohol under the same circumstance.
I'm trying to find a second job, I love the dispensary, but they totally cut my hours because they're doing a change of management. One of the places I'm applying does cannabis research, that would be freaking awesome!!
Well, I should get some sleep....
Thanks for reading
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
zombox5000:
Nothing worth doing is ever easy, eh? You can get through it, though.
corneilus_wright:
Wow, your blog looks very similar to something I would have written. I hope that you are able to find some peace. Good luck with the job hunt.