When I married my ex-husband, I would not call what we had done prior to our wedding day "dating." In fact, it all started out as a friendship of convenience. No one really knows our story -- of how he and I met, came to be, loved, hated, and now divorced. Several accusations were made at 4 this morning thus causing me to rant...once again. So, here is my story.
I met Jack Lawrence, when I was 19 years old. I was literally going on my 9th month in the adult industry. San Francisco was my home at the time, and I was constantly traveling back and forth to Los Angeles to work. Hotels were my second home in LA because of this reason. It was June 24th, 2004, when I met Jack on a porn set. About a week later, he moved out of his roommate's guest house due to horrible circumstances with his living arrangements there. At that point, he suggested we share hotel rooms as it would be cheaper for the both of us, so I agreed. I was still fairly new in the business, so I was getting a lot of work booked. Mailing rent checks to my house in San Francisco went on for a few months, and I continued to jump from hotel to hotel. I couldn't pass up work, and Jack was a nice guy. We weren't dating; we were just friends for what it seemed to be convenience. Sometime through our hotel jumping, Jack told someone I was his girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND??!! What??? I'm not your girlfriend! What the hell are you talking about? Next thing I know, we're disussing living arrangements beyond hotels.
"We should get an apartment together, but if I have a girl come over, you can hide and vice versa," was his idea. I went with it as I was NEVER interested in any form of romantic relationship with him at all. I barely knew the guy. By September 2004, we got into an apartment together via my credit score, and I moved out of San Francisco. Porn is in LA, and I knew it was for the best. By the end of the month of living there, Jack tells me he loves me...while we were having sex. It took me by surprise at first as we had only known each other less than 3 months. By the end of October, Jack proposed marriage to me. I admit we had grown closer to each other, but I still had this erratic feeling about him that just didn't seem right. We were sitting in a restaurant, when he popped the question. I opened a box in front of me that the waiter had brought over. Inside, there was a stuffed monkey (one of my favorite animals), and on its hand was an engagement ring. I broke into tears as it was the romantic thing ANYONE had ever done for me at the time. No one had done anything like that for me before, so I said, "Yes." Out of all honesty, I thought we'd be engaged for a year. Less than 3 months later in January, we got married at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas in front of thousands of fans as well as the adult industry. I hated the idea. I really didn't want to get married at the convention, but Jack talked me into it. Even so, I still hated the idea.
We were swingers before we got married, monogamous for the first few months of marriage (outside of porn), and swingers again shortly after that. I have NEVER said this to anyone, so those reading this, take note. I did not feel the love a married woman should feel for her husband. I still had this strange feeling about him that I couldn't quite figue out. More often than not, I questioned myself as to why I married the guy. We had an apartment together...and when I got even more bored, I got a puppy. Deep down inside, I felt like the marriage was a mistake, but wanted to make it work as I did not want anyone -- my family, the industry -- to look at me and say, "I told you so." Guilt would build up inside me as I noticed all the "love" Jack had for me. I strongly believe most of my will to make it work came from the jokes in the porn media that it wouldn't last because I was so young. I wanted to prove a point, and really, I wasn't some dumb 20 year old. Soon, I learned more things about Jack; I had come to the realization that he was a liar and a moron. I nearly lost my sanity, while we were married, but I allowed it to build up. I sought psychiatric help, and took anti-depressants to keep me sane. I was by no means depressed...just had a tendency to lose control of my anger. In fact, I was told to seek anger management by many people. Put yourself in my shoes for a second. Wouldn't you get angry if you felt trapped in a marriage you didn't want to be a part of? "Get a divorce!" You say?
Well...
As time went by, we had an apartment, a car, and 2 dogs. I saw this is as a huge obstacle if I were to divorce. I made 3 times as much as he did in one year. I knew he'd want alimony as he would threaten it, whenever I would threaten divorce. We were swingers, and he gave every guy he knew and liked permission to have me. A year into our marriage, we barely had sex with each other. I was having sex with everyone else, and it was fine. I slowly allowed myself to drift away from the fantasy marriage we had...no longer fearing the idea that I really did not love this man. "What the fuck did I do?" Was a constant reminder of my stupidity. I should have never married; I don't love this man, and I really don't care if he lives or dies.
TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE -- a rebuttle
He was former manwhore; a male prostitute. I told him he couldn't do that, while we were together as I disagreed with that lifestyle. Indeed, it was what he did in his past, but I did not care. I did not care because I did not care for him. However, if we were to stay married, I refused to walk around with the idea of him still doing it, while being married to the guy. So...if it was all in his past, yet I was married to the guy -- why on earth did I not give him shit about it even when he wasn't doing it? I didn't care for him like I love and care for the man I love now. Why ostersize my husband about it, when I don't really love him like I should? I gave him shit for it at first...but it didn't matter, and you all should know why at this point.
March 2006, we bought a house -- via MY credit score. I suppose I was tired of the apartment and really wanted to have something to show for what I have achieved in this business. By June, I finally asked for a divorce. Lawyers laughed at the idea of alimony. After months of bickering, we decided to do an uncontested divorce in August 2006. I kept the house, the dogs, the car, and my sanity. I did, however, help him get into an apartment and buy a car, so really, I was not an insensitive bitch throwing him to the curb. Recently, someone had deemed our marriage a fake one. My love was fake...and perhaps, there were few times I felt like I could love the way he did (if he really did, that is), but deep down inside, I just didn't care enough. He was an embarassment to be associated with. I met him having come from a history of one-night stands and sexual deviance...I guess having someone to love was something I wasn't used to but wanted to try out. I really thought I could make it work, but it didn't. He never showed me what true love was all about because he was too much in love with my money. It's a damn shame I allowed myself to waste 2 years of my life with something so plastic.
Call my marriage a phony one, but it was all real. It was the love that wasn't...and you can't put a pricetag on love. I tried with Jack, and I couldn't do it. I finally found it in someone that has shown me what it truly is...and what I have with him is not even HALF of what I had, when I was married...
I love you...even though you act like a caca head sometimes
I met Jack Lawrence, when I was 19 years old. I was literally going on my 9th month in the adult industry. San Francisco was my home at the time, and I was constantly traveling back and forth to Los Angeles to work. Hotels were my second home in LA because of this reason. It was June 24th, 2004, when I met Jack on a porn set. About a week later, he moved out of his roommate's guest house due to horrible circumstances with his living arrangements there. At that point, he suggested we share hotel rooms as it would be cheaper for the both of us, so I agreed. I was still fairly new in the business, so I was getting a lot of work booked. Mailing rent checks to my house in San Francisco went on for a few months, and I continued to jump from hotel to hotel. I couldn't pass up work, and Jack was a nice guy. We weren't dating; we were just friends for what it seemed to be convenience. Sometime through our hotel jumping, Jack told someone I was his girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND??!! What??? I'm not your girlfriend! What the hell are you talking about? Next thing I know, we're disussing living arrangements beyond hotels.
"We should get an apartment together, but if I have a girl come over, you can hide and vice versa," was his idea. I went with it as I was NEVER interested in any form of romantic relationship with him at all. I barely knew the guy. By September 2004, we got into an apartment together via my credit score, and I moved out of San Francisco. Porn is in LA, and I knew it was for the best. By the end of the month of living there, Jack tells me he loves me...while we were having sex. It took me by surprise at first as we had only known each other less than 3 months. By the end of October, Jack proposed marriage to me. I admit we had grown closer to each other, but I still had this erratic feeling about him that just didn't seem right. We were sitting in a restaurant, when he popped the question. I opened a box in front of me that the waiter had brought over. Inside, there was a stuffed monkey (one of my favorite animals), and on its hand was an engagement ring. I broke into tears as it was the romantic thing ANYONE had ever done for me at the time. No one had done anything like that for me before, so I said, "Yes." Out of all honesty, I thought we'd be engaged for a year. Less than 3 months later in January, we got married at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas in front of thousands of fans as well as the adult industry. I hated the idea. I really didn't want to get married at the convention, but Jack talked me into it. Even so, I still hated the idea.
We were swingers before we got married, monogamous for the first few months of marriage (outside of porn), and swingers again shortly after that. I have NEVER said this to anyone, so those reading this, take note. I did not feel the love a married woman should feel for her husband. I still had this strange feeling about him that I couldn't quite figue out. More often than not, I questioned myself as to why I married the guy. We had an apartment together...and when I got even more bored, I got a puppy. Deep down inside, I felt like the marriage was a mistake, but wanted to make it work as I did not want anyone -- my family, the industry -- to look at me and say, "I told you so." Guilt would build up inside me as I noticed all the "love" Jack had for me. I strongly believe most of my will to make it work came from the jokes in the porn media that it wouldn't last because I was so young. I wanted to prove a point, and really, I wasn't some dumb 20 year old. Soon, I learned more things about Jack; I had come to the realization that he was a liar and a moron. I nearly lost my sanity, while we were married, but I allowed it to build up. I sought psychiatric help, and took anti-depressants to keep me sane. I was by no means depressed...just had a tendency to lose control of my anger. In fact, I was told to seek anger management by many people. Put yourself in my shoes for a second. Wouldn't you get angry if you felt trapped in a marriage you didn't want to be a part of? "Get a divorce!" You say?
Well...
As time went by, we had an apartment, a car, and 2 dogs. I saw this is as a huge obstacle if I were to divorce. I made 3 times as much as he did in one year. I knew he'd want alimony as he would threaten it, whenever I would threaten divorce. We were swingers, and he gave every guy he knew and liked permission to have me. A year into our marriage, we barely had sex with each other. I was having sex with everyone else, and it was fine. I slowly allowed myself to drift away from the fantasy marriage we had...no longer fearing the idea that I really did not love this man. "What the fuck did I do?" Was a constant reminder of my stupidity. I should have never married; I don't love this man, and I really don't care if he lives or dies.
TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE -- a rebuttle
He was former manwhore; a male prostitute. I told him he couldn't do that, while we were together as I disagreed with that lifestyle. Indeed, it was what he did in his past, but I did not care. I did not care because I did not care for him. However, if we were to stay married, I refused to walk around with the idea of him still doing it, while being married to the guy. So...if it was all in his past, yet I was married to the guy -- why on earth did I not give him shit about it even when he wasn't doing it? I didn't care for him like I love and care for the man I love now. Why ostersize my husband about it, when I don't really love him like I should? I gave him shit for it at first...but it didn't matter, and you all should know why at this point.
March 2006, we bought a house -- via MY credit score. I suppose I was tired of the apartment and really wanted to have something to show for what I have achieved in this business. By June, I finally asked for a divorce. Lawyers laughed at the idea of alimony. After months of bickering, we decided to do an uncontested divorce in August 2006. I kept the house, the dogs, the car, and my sanity. I did, however, help him get into an apartment and buy a car, so really, I was not an insensitive bitch throwing him to the curb. Recently, someone had deemed our marriage a fake one. My love was fake...and perhaps, there were few times I felt like I could love the way he did (if he really did, that is), but deep down inside, I just didn't care enough. He was an embarassment to be associated with. I met him having come from a history of one-night stands and sexual deviance...I guess having someone to love was something I wasn't used to but wanted to try out. I really thought I could make it work, but it didn't. He never showed me what true love was all about because he was too much in love with my money. It's a damn shame I allowed myself to waste 2 years of my life with something so plastic.
Call my marriage a phony one, but it was all real. It was the love that wasn't...and you can't put a pricetag on love. I tried with Jack, and I couldn't do it. I finally found it in someone that has shown me what it truly is...and what I have with him is not even HALF of what I had, when I was married...
I love you...even though you act like a caca head sometimes