Being a Blackhearts Burlesque Dancer has been the biggest dream come true. Touring the world, performing on stage, and being inspired by the most amazingly talent women is by far my biggest life accomplishment. I wake up every day excited and thankful for the next minute of my life.. by no means am I trying to sound braggy, but its just fucking awesome!!! Recently I shot my very first set with talented @milloux and officially became a Suicide Girl. I couldn't be happier with my set and having this new online world to network, and learn from, and connect has been nothing short of astonishing. I never realized how many women I could connect with around the world. Like REALLY connect with and learn from! For example, I recently met @radeo (she totally inspires me) who gave me a ton of helpful knowledge about traveling the world. She gave me tips and advice that are worth more than anything I could learn from a book or online. My jaw dropped when I found the SG Couchsurfers group...like, how epic is that! I also came across an awesome volunteer and charities group that I joined. I could honestly go on and on about the things I find and learn everyday on the SG site!! Not to mention I finally get to be the cute cheeky girl who also gets to publicly love her body and support other women who feel the same way. SO WHY IN THE HECK DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO OFFICIALLY BECOME A SUICIDE GIRL?!

I know someone people come from families where they are 100 percent open and accepting. I know some people just don't care what their families think. I also know some people who just prefer to keep some things private and to themselves. None of these ways of living are either right or wrong and we could on and on about the different family dynamics all day. But I also know some people (like myself) come from very religious or conservative families. Families where girls don't shoot nude, let alone post them online for whatever the reason. I recently stopped by the office to visit with @lyxzen who told me I could write @sgbloghomework about anything I'd like. I figure I can't be the only SG or Hopeful struggling with or has struggled with the idea of telling their family they want to pose nude.

Keep mind, by no means am I conservative (clearly) and my dad and I have often struggled in the past to see eye to eye. We live very different lives. He is a practicing Mormon and I am whatever the opposite of that is. Sometime we would have disagreements and things would escalate and end very badly. But growing up my dad was my very best friend and in the last year we have really rebuilt our relationship. We have both come to an understanding that we love each other, and no matter how our views might differ, that is really what matters!! So I struggled with the idea of having to tell him I want to pose nude. What would he think? Would this ruin everything we had rebuilt? Would the conversation end in tears? (as many of our convos had before) Would he think less of me? Would he be accepting? Would he be embarrassed? Would he at least try to understand why I want this? It felt like a million thoughts were running through my head. One day (after almost a year and a hafe of being a Blackheart Burlesque dancer) I just decided that THIS IS SOMETHING I WANT! FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE!! But, now the biggest question was "Do I tell him or not?" I love my dad and care what he thinks but not at the expense of doing and experiencing the things that make me happy!!

I decided to wait until after I shot my set. I thought once I saw the finished product I'd know if I had made the right decision to shoot. I WAS RIGHT... @milloux did an amazing job and I am so proud of the set "Shades of Cool". As happy and excited as I was I also knew that it meant I had to decide if I was going to tell my dad or not. As I thought and thought of all the diffrent angels this could go, one thought kept popping up in my head.. "If he is going to find out I want it to come from me!" I knew I didn't want him to find out from anyone else. I didn't want him to feel ambushed or surprised. I didn't want him to be embarrassed for not knowing what's own daughter is doing. I especially didn't want to feel like he was disappointed in me. At that point it was settled and the easy (well easier) part was over. I was going to tell him.. but how? Now that was the hard part.

I keep going over and over in my head all the ways I was going to try to make my religious, conservative, "old school" father understand that this was the right decision for me, something I really wanted, I had really thought this through, and that I hadn't just lost my mind. I tried to think of all the ways I would word things and what my answers, to what I thought his reactions would be..... EXHAUSTING and TERRIFYING!! Now, I know not all of you come from this kind of home. But for those of you that do you know exactly what I mean. I didn't want to lose my dad in my life again especially over something I really believed in! This was a big big deal and to be honest I was scared. All I did know was I needed to tell him and I needed to tell him person. I needed to see his face and have him see mine as I broke the news.

I told him.. flat out.. "So I know your gonna think I'm nuts but please hear me out and trying to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not coming to you for advice but more telling you something that's important to me, that I want you to know, and that I feel like should come from me. I don't want you to have to be surprised or find out from someone else" He starred at me.. "I decided to shoot for Suicide Girls!" And just like that is was out and in the open. He asked me exactly what that meant and I told him the truth. I didn't try to make it sound less than what it is "It means there are nude picture of me online" But I also made sure to tell him all the other really awesome things that it meant too. I told him about all the amazing blogs and things all these amazing women were doing and how I was excited to be apart of it. I told him how I was now able to connect with people all over the world and would be able expand my travels and experiences. I told him how supportive, and creative, and inspiring everyone was on the site. But I Also made sure to tell him I LOVED MY SET. I was very honest about this. I told him I love my photos and how I really really hope to one day be in a Suicide Girls book. I explained that my dream was to one day yearsssss from now be another vintage pin up burlesque dancer like Sherri Burrton or Gypsy Rose. And someone yearsssss from now would flip through the pages to find an old photo of me cheeky, topless, and smiling. I wanted to be another woman celebrating all types of woman's bodies in history. I told him how that was all I truly wanted and that I had accomplished something huge for myself.

I explained that I was aware that one day a job may not hire me because of this.. but then that wasn't the job for me. Or a man may not want to date me because of this choice but then he was meant for me either. I told him I understood someone people would view me differently but then those were the people meant to be in my life any ways. Telling him I was aware that my choice may have consequences, but that they were consequences that I was more than happy to live, with was important. I saw his facial expression change and he began to talk. And I was shocked and surprised by what he said..

He told me he loved me and was proud. He told me too may people are scared to follow their dreams and he was proud that I was strong enough to follow mine. He said he was glad that I had acknowledged there could be consqueses but the fact that I had thought about them made all the difference. To him it meant I made a choice, a real choice, that I had thought through and decided for myself. He told me he knew we had different values and ideas of what life is about but that I was a beautiful, brainy, smart, strong woman and that he was proud. He told me that he'd always support me and be there. The best part was he told me how honored he felt that he had a daughter that was strong enough and loved him enough to come to him and tell him something huge in her life even though she didn't know how he was going to react. I tried to keep this tears in....

I spent a year in a half questioning and worrying if this was the right choice for me because of how my dad might react. I was holding myself back out of fear of losing him. When I took a chance on myself I gained more than I would have ever imagined. I never in a trillion years could have planned the right words for his reaction. There were no raised voices or frustration or tears of anger or any of the things I thought might happen.. JUST LOVE! I have never felt more understood or accept by my dad that I do today. Of all the serious conversation we've ever had this was the one I thought might truly devistate our relationship. It turned out to be a huge building block. I get to walk around KNOWING my dad is 100 percent proud of me, he feels honored to have me as a daughter, and I never have to question if he support or understands my choices. I would never have this knowledge if I hadn't decided to stay true to myself, do what makes me happy, and be strong enough to tell my dad. And now being a Suicide Girls means more to me than it ever has!!

I know that this was a long blog post and not really a topic @missy @rambo or @lyxzen posted but I really wanted to share my story. And I know not everyone struggles with this issue ( I applaud you and your families) but I also know a lot of people who hold themselves back out of fear of losing their loved ones or what they might think. I hope my story can help even one person who is struggling to tell their families, or significant other, or anyone important in their lives.Tell they about your dreams or goals and what you really want out of life. I'm sure not everyone will have the same experience I had but I truly think its worth a shot... amazing things happen every day :)