annellise

there is no denying the truth in the old saying that what does not kill us makes us stronger, but what's so great about being strong? what do we really have to prove, and to whom, and why? i am not advocating co-dependency, but why does the world favor the "for the love of god, pull yourself together" mentality?

my friends and family are so accustomed to me living and travelling alone and diving for every dream and always (usually?) prevailing that now that i need someone (anyone?) and i reach out, the response is cold and callous (the exception being poledancer,of course). "call back when you want to be funny." "i don't want to come all the way from the south bay if you're just going to be poopy."

are you serious? my brother died a month ago. my mother's angiogram is scheduled for next friday. i have been suffering from food poisening since thursday night. this morning, after not eating for more than sixty hours, i, realizing that i needed to be "strong," mustered the determination not to faint as i walked alone to the corner to the seven eleven for cheerios and applesauce and gatorade.

and is this what it means to be strong: to be alone and quiet in sadness, to face what life throws at you and always turn another cheek? in this case, please let me be weak. for i would much rather have someone lovingly brush my hair from my face and kiss my forehead, someone who would let me cry as much as i needed , someone who encouraged me to scream at the injustice of my recent world, and someone who would wrap arms around me as i crumble in weakness. yes, i would much rather this than some empty ability to run outside and puff my chest and beat my breast and growl, "RAAAR! I AM STRONG!"