"C. J. P., 33, of Longwood, FL passed away September 28, 2006. He was born in Kansas City, MO. He is survived by his parents and his sister."
After almost three weeks, i still cant wrap my head around the fact that i am now an only child. i dont question how it happened or why. my godlessness is neither denied nor confirmed. i cant say that i care if he's in a supposed better place or if he's now a snickering little devil seated on my left shoulder.
i just want someone to explain to me how i am supposed to wake up happy to see the sunshine and live the rest of my life knowing that my brother, my bully, my best friend, the one who always put up a fight, is now nowhere on this earth. i will never hear him laugh again, never see him smile. i will never hear him complain about my parents enlisting him to do their chores or listen as he goes on ad nauseam about some egyptology bullcrap. my mother will never again say to me "hey, hold on, i've got charlie on the other line" when i call home after a hard day at work. i will never escape the figure four leg lock, just for old times sake. he will never shuffle through the door to my parents house late for christmas dinner because he stopped to pick up my mom's favorite dish from a chinese restaurant. we will never be old together chuckling about the times when we would steal bubble gum and golfballs. never. never. never.
until three weeks ago, i firmly believed that everything is negotiable. that nothing is really as bad as it seems. that all evil fades into something tolerable with enough time. but not this. not this time. death is non-negotiable. this is worse than it seems. this evil is permanent.
and the newspaper didnt even get the date of his death right. in reality, he died on the birthday of an ex-lover of mine. my brother lived 12157 days. that is a prime number.
After almost three weeks, i still cant wrap my head around the fact that i am now an only child. i dont question how it happened or why. my godlessness is neither denied nor confirmed. i cant say that i care if he's in a supposed better place or if he's now a snickering little devil seated on my left shoulder.
i just want someone to explain to me how i am supposed to wake up happy to see the sunshine and live the rest of my life knowing that my brother, my bully, my best friend, the one who always put up a fight, is now nowhere on this earth. i will never hear him laugh again, never see him smile. i will never hear him complain about my parents enlisting him to do their chores or listen as he goes on ad nauseam about some egyptology bullcrap. my mother will never again say to me "hey, hold on, i've got charlie on the other line" when i call home after a hard day at work. i will never escape the figure four leg lock, just for old times sake. he will never shuffle through the door to my parents house late for christmas dinner because he stopped to pick up my mom's favorite dish from a chinese restaurant. we will never be old together chuckling about the times when we would steal bubble gum and golfballs. never. never. never.
until three weeks ago, i firmly believed that everything is negotiable. that nothing is really as bad as it seems. that all evil fades into something tolerable with enough time. but not this. not this time. death is non-negotiable. this is worse than it seems. this evil is permanent.
and the newspaper didnt even get the date of his death right. in reality, he died on the birthday of an ex-lover of mine. my brother lived 12157 days. that is a prime number.
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