So I've battled with low self-esteem and jealousy my whole life. This has obviously caused trouble and tension in many of my relationships. I've been working to overcome this and have gotten much better the last few years, but the little monster still pops into my mind every so often. Like last night. My boyfriend was sitting next to me and closing out all the programs on his phone and I happened to see a page full of cleavage that wasn't mine. (Which he has plenty of pictures of, btw) His first instinct was to lie and say it was nothing and he didn't know what I saw. But he soon came around to honesty saying it was a cosplayer's Instagram page that caught his eye. Now, don't get me wrong, I see and follow plenty of gorgeous people (both men and women) and see pictures of them half naked all the time. I get it. But I look at so much other than their body. I study art and photography and while, yes, I also appreciate the beautiful human form, I'm looking at the pictures for so many other reasons than pure arousal. My boyfriend on the other hand is not, even though he tried to convince me "it wasn't that". And I know I shouldn't take it personal. That he doesn't even know her, let alone want to be with or love her. But I just can't help but to feel inadequate when it's brought to my attention that my boyfriend might want to fuck someone else. Even if that was the case, I know he doesn't want to fuck me any less or think anything less of me. But I just wonder what's wrong with me or what am I not doing that makes him want to seek out pleasure from someone else. I try and give him everything he wants and things he doesn't know he wanted but enjoys. I tease. I seduce. I think about sex most of the time and he benefits from it. Even though half the time I feel like it goes unnoticed. I feel like I give home more than enough to appreciate, yet he still doesn't.
Has anyone dealt with this issue, on either side? I'd LOVE to get more opinions and be told I'm just crazy. I don't want to feel upset or hurt by his actions, but I can't control how I feel.
(P.S - For example; right before we left for the evening, before this happened, I put on one of my lowest cut shirts and said I couldn't wait to fuck when we got home because I'd been wanting to since the morning before. Needless to say, my mood was kind of ruined and I felt like an idiot for flaunting my tits for his sake.)
