ankhsunaten

Ok, Seriously....I Know You Masturbate Too.
Current mood: flirty


Let's just get right to the point. Why the hell can't women admit that they masturbate? It's really not that big of a deal, you know. I mean, what the hell is so embarassing about using a battery operated device that vibrates at about a thousand times per second to render sexual pleasure? Nothing, right? Wrong!! Apparently it's just not something that can be discussed within the ranks of the female establishment. Everything else can be discussed, like tampons, panty liners, and what douche gives a pussy the best fragrance. (By the way, I like strawberry fields. There's nothing like a pussy that smells like fresh strawberries.) But anyway, what's the problem ladies?

Look, guys will at any given moment readily admit that they crank one off. I mean, to us, it's a rite of passage. You simply aren't a real man unless you've grabbed your cock with a firm hand and emptied a load of man-goo into a rolled up t-shirt , pillow, or shot glass. Look, don't ask about the shot glass thing...I was in college and it was a dare. But anyway, a man will not only admit that he "pumped the pope" but will give vivid details down to the consistency of the cum. For example, Bob tells Bill, "Bro, I was cranking one off the other night while I was watchin' that new movie, Cum In My Ass, Not In My Mouth 2, and I swear to god bro, I was fuckin' pumping out jell-o pudding. Dude, it was so thick it took like 3 tries to wash it off my hands." Bill responds, "Yeah, I know what you mean. Mine is thick like that sometimes too. It's usually because I drink a lot of milk, though." And then both guys slap hands and all is right with the world.

Now, women on the other hand will confess to kidnapping small elementary school children and eating them before they EVER admit to masturbation. But why? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you have any idea of the countless hours of joy brought to millions of wanton women around the world that finger themselves? Listen to me, FINGERS ARE YOUR FRIENDS. And if you ever wanted to upgrade from that, there's always the RABBIT and countless other fun toys out there to put inside yourselves and experience total bliss. You never hear the conversation between Susan and Katherine that goes, "You know, after I went shopping the other day, I went home home and took a hot bath. It was GREAT. Guess what? I'm up to 3 fingers now and a thumb in my ass". Katherine responds, "Wow, that's really great. You know, I was so horny the other day that I just poured out all of the Mountain Dew from the bottle I was drinking in the car and just shoved that thing inside me. By the time I got to work, I was totally relaxed and ready for that Board meeting." See, this is the way that things should be.

Do you have any idea how relaxed the world would be if everybody just masturbated? That angry boss at work just needs to grab his cock right there in the office one day and just pop one off on the desk. Yeah, there would be a little clean-up involved but, so what? He would stop treating you like shit and you might get a fucking raise out of it if you offer to provide a hand-job or two. And for that cranky bitch at your office that is always such a fucking cunt to everyone, get her a little pocket buzzer that staps on to her and rests against her clit. She would spend the entire day creaming her panties and would be as pleasant as a cute teddy bear. She would actually get you your coffee and moan while she did it. Can you beat that?

So ladies, when you're lying in bed at night and there's not a cock around, remember that fingers were made for lots of things. Writing, cooking, playing the cello.....yeah, those are great. But why ignore the fact that fingers fit so nicely inside pussies? I mean, guys shove theirs inside you guys all the time. So, stand up and be proud to use your own fingers. Use you middle finger to slowly rub your clit, pick up the pace until you feel that orgasm about to hit, the use the other hand to shove those fingers inside while you drip hot juices all over your bed sheets. Now isn't this nice of me to even provide instructions?

And for all the guys out there, well what can I say really? We as men need no encouragement to continue the great male tradition of leaving cum spots on the carpet beside the bed as we spray our independence into the air. Keep whacking off gentlemen!! Be proud of your hand skills whether you use the overhand, underhand, or side-winder grip. And don't forget, if it's cumming too quickly, squeeze the head for 10 seconds and it gives you more time. Please, don't thank me.

And for the women out there, be proud of your inner pinkness. Use those fingers and electric devices to penetrate the oppressive hold that society has on you. Whether it's 1 finger, 4 fingers, or for the more experienced..a fist, don't ever forget that you have a right to insert whatever you want inside yourselves. (I recommend a double ended dildo. That way you can get both holes taken care of at one time.) And on that note, I bid you farewell and happy stroking/fingering.