anissa

David calls me and tells me "We'll cousin you know I always have to give you breaking new on the hour every hour. Guess who just called me and told me "Dude, I don't think I want to be with Gywnne anymore?" He tried to find out why but all he got was a vague story about some weird call to Drew about a thunderstorm.

Duh. It was Andrew. Why wouldn't it be?

David: Dude, you were so right about Gwynne.
Me: (LMAO) Yup. Say it again.
David: Anissa you were completely right about Gwynne.
Me: Debra knew better than I did.
David: Yeah dude, she's a fucking nut.

Not five minutes later I get a message from Drew.

Drew: I'm Rick James bitch! (this is the same message I sent him after we broke up. I was trying to be friendly and get him to watch Dave Chappelle)

I had to delete most of the message due to the fact that my memory was full, but the gist of it was that he was calling himself an asshole and just going though the whole self pity thing and I just said I wasn't going to hold that shit over his head because anger makes you smaller while forgiveness forces you to become something better than you were. And I am. I think the fact that I didn't verbally abuse him made him feel even smaller. Like he wasn't even worth yelling at.
So I tell him that I really regret sending that mix tape because it just seemed to be bad timing and it made me feel like an idiot. He kept asking me why I felt like that and I just kept repeating myself, so he called me and I declined.
My heart was racing and my hands were shaking so bad I could barely type out "I can't do this on the phone."
It wasn't an invite to come over but, I just don't dig talking on the phone or awkward phone silences.
So he said "Ok, goodnight then."
So I stop him and say no we need to, so ill talk to you.
I get really nervous and shakey and damn near dropping the phone.
I almost grabbed a cigarette, but the phone rang.
I kind of stared at it for a minute and hurried up to answer it.

He sounded bad.
You could tell he's been really beating himself.
I basically repeated what I texted him before. Added a few things.
He said that he was glad that I had sent him the mix tape and that he followed some bad advice not to listen to it.
I told him how I told David to block for me and tell him not to listen to it and just throw it away.
But when he finally did he was glad and for the last month or so that got him to start thinking about me, which in turn got him to start texting me.
He admitted he fucked up really bad, that it wasn't my fault at all and he let what he was dealing with, with his mom spill over into our issues. And how he should have just talked to me about it because I was the one person in his life that knew exactly how he was feeling.
I told him it's done and it shouldn't be dwelled on because life its too fucking short to spend time on bullshit like this. What's going to happen when he makes a mistake that's life threatening? This is nothing.
And he said no it wasn't nothing because he considered this the most monumental fuckup of his life.

In talking to him about all this I realized I was really over this because everything that should have happened. At least the things I wanted to happen.

I'm not really interested in getting back together right away.
There is a lot of talking ahead of us.
I'm not going to say I won't consider anything because I will.
It is my decision and what happens will happen for a reason, and no matter what I decide, something will come out of it, be it a new relationship or renewed strength in myself or both.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Every mistake has a split second when it can recalled and perhaps remedied. Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and envies, and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, or withering, and of tarnishing.

And if I do this and it doesn't work, at least I won't be kicking myself in the ass 20+ years later wondering what might have happened if I had actually tried.