I split with my girlfriend today. She told me she was gutted because she really cares about me, because of all the things we won't do together, and because of the fact that she is just another name on 'the list'. The list that she's referring to is the women I have run away from or finished things with after two or three months of being together, which is basically all of them.
It scares me. If you look at my track history I have never managed to stay with a woman for longer than a few months. I mean, if I was sixteen I could understand, but I'm twenty-eight. In my heart of hearts, I know I'm just not ready for a long-term relationship. I never have been. The scary part is wondering if I ever will be.
When I was about nineteen my grandad got in touch with my mum again after a few years of silence that started because of an argument about whether or not we could use a sofa cushion as a baby-gate in a caravan we were having a holiday in. My sis kept getting out and my mum was using the cushion to block the door, but G-pa kept putting it back, and my sis kept escaping. Anyway, after all these years of silence we went to see him and found him shacked up in a pokey little flat with no partner and a group of mates that were all well into their seventies - ten years ahead of him at their youngest, and I saw me in forty years.
At the time it scared the crap out of me. I didn't want to end up living alone. Now, ten years later and it looks like that's exactly where I am heading as I neither want nor have been able to hold down a steady relationship. I feel quite at peace with that at the moment, but I know that sometimes it's gonna feel awful. I am going to be alone of an evening while all my friends are hugged up with their loved ones and it will feel horribly lonely. How do you cope with that?
Right now, I want to make sure I enjoy the life I have, rather than just putting up with it. If I have learnt one thing over the years it's that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, and I don't care how clichd that it. It's a clich for a reason.
I don't really know why I am writing this. I just wanted to get it out there. I needed to vent these words out of my system, and it helps somehow. I should do this more often. It seems to make the difficult bits more tolerable.
Hope everyone who reads this is good, and if you're not feel free to come and have a natter. We can drink tea and talk about how shit the world is to us when we know in reality that we kinda bring it on ourselves. Embrace the inner asshole, that's what I say.
It scares me. If you look at my track history I have never managed to stay with a woman for longer than a few months. I mean, if I was sixteen I could understand, but I'm twenty-eight. In my heart of hearts, I know I'm just not ready for a long-term relationship. I never have been. The scary part is wondering if I ever will be.
When I was about nineteen my grandad got in touch with my mum again after a few years of silence that started because of an argument about whether or not we could use a sofa cushion as a baby-gate in a caravan we were having a holiday in. My sis kept getting out and my mum was using the cushion to block the door, but G-pa kept putting it back, and my sis kept escaping. Anyway, after all these years of silence we went to see him and found him shacked up in a pokey little flat with no partner and a group of mates that were all well into their seventies - ten years ahead of him at their youngest, and I saw me in forty years.
At the time it scared the crap out of me. I didn't want to end up living alone. Now, ten years later and it looks like that's exactly where I am heading as I neither want nor have been able to hold down a steady relationship. I feel quite at peace with that at the moment, but I know that sometimes it's gonna feel awful. I am going to be alone of an evening while all my friends are hugged up with their loved ones and it will feel horribly lonely. How do you cope with that?
Right now, I want to make sure I enjoy the life I have, rather than just putting up with it. If I have learnt one thing over the years it's that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, and I don't care how clichd that it. It's a clich for a reason.
I don't really know why I am writing this. I just wanted to get it out there. I needed to vent these words out of my system, and it helps somehow. I should do this more often. It seems to make the difficult bits more tolerable.
Hope everyone who reads this is good, and if you're not feel free to come and have a natter. We can drink tea and talk about how shit the world is to us when we know in reality that we kinda bring it on ourselves. Embrace the inner asshole, that's what I say.