Okay, so I had a massive fight with my best mate, and now we are not talking. The thing is, I am really not as upset as I probably should be. Basically, long story short, we had a date, I didn't fancy her because she is a big lass (shallow I know but you can't force the worm to stir) and we ended up best mates, only i never told her exactly why I didn't fancy her. She's one of the most awesome people I know, and I should hate myself right now and be contemplating my sad and lonely life without her. She found out, and it hurt her horribly, which is not a big surprise.
One thing became clear to me while we were mates. Its was never friendship for her. She was just settling but I know she was in love with me. I know that sounds like I am really into myself but anyone who knows me will know that this is not true, not even close. We started arguing last night because I wouldn't get involved with her as more than mates and when she asked me about it being her size I paused. Bloody stupid I know, but I did and she just knew and all hell broke loose. We talked for a long time and she said how I had broken her heart and really hurt her more than anyone could have. This is how I know we were never just friends for her.
It's weird. I should have felt bad but when I woke this morning I just felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally relax. I am starting to really learn who I am and in doing so I have started to have more self-respect and stop settling for the women I can get as opposed to the ones I wanna be with. We may never speak again and it probably shouldn't be but that is okay as far as I am concerned. It feels like I have just split with a girlfriend rather than just ended a friendship and that tells me all I think I need to know about the way things were with me and her. It was a really liberating moment.
One thing became clear to me while we were mates. Its was never friendship for her. She was just settling but I know she was in love with me. I know that sounds like I am really into myself but anyone who knows me will know that this is not true, not even close. We started arguing last night because I wouldn't get involved with her as more than mates and when she asked me about it being her size I paused. Bloody stupid I know, but I did and she just knew and all hell broke loose. We talked for a long time and she said how I had broken her heart and really hurt her more than anyone could have. This is how I know we were never just friends for her.
It's weird. I should have felt bad but when I woke this morning I just felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally relax. I am starting to really learn who I am and in doing so I have started to have more self-respect and stop settling for the women I can get as opposed to the ones I wanna be with. We may never speak again and it probably shouldn't be but that is okay as far as I am concerned. It feels like I have just split with a girlfriend rather than just ended a friendship and that tells me all I think I need to know about the way things were with me and her. It was a really liberating moment.
varite:
As rough as it may be sometimes, the truth is always the best thing.. It wasn't helping either of you to "pretend" and while it was nice to be friends, if it was more than that for her, it would have been worse/harder in the long run.. I dated a guy for 7 months and there just wasn't that connection between us and I knew it for quite a while but I hung around hoping that things might change, but they never did.. It's understandable that you would feel lighter after everything getting out in the open, because secrets and unspoken truths have a way of weighing us down.. She just wasn't the one for you, and that's that.. Sucks that you may not be able to be friends after this, but at least the truth is out there.. 