andsoitgoes

so apparently my dad has gotten to the point where he's forgetting pretty much everyone.

The one person he's been consistent with is my sister. She's there all the time, and I'm 3,000 miles away.

I was going to visit.

But what if he doesn't remember me?

Do I forego the visit and just try talking to him over the phone?

I'm afraid to bring my girls to visit him. Not that I think it will be traumatic for them, but if he doesn't remember me, I don't know how it will affect me, and I'm afraid I'll either shut down entirely or be unable to freely express and deal with my emotions because they'll be there.

Do I want them to see their papu in the state he's in?

Stroke, possible parksons, completely lack of cleanliness because he's a solid as a rock ex-construction worker who has kept the insane muscle mass and defnition which now makes him a force to be reckoned with, and who has problems even getting to the bathroom, which ends up creating a massive mess..

I'm torn.

I haven't shared this with many people. I don't know why I'm doing it here, but whatever...

I feel so unlike a guy when these things come up. I feel that I have such a strange feminine side, that I don't have that strong male emotion which makes me wonder how people perceive me...

See, this shit I can't, nor do I want to post on facebook. Although I have people I'm friends with in real life, it just seems the wrong place.

Why here? Maybe it's because I don't really know anyone. Hell, I don't know if I've really even spoken to a large majority of the people on my friends list.

Maybe it brings me back to my Diaryland days.

I let a lot of shit out then. I don't know if I was better for it... But... Gah.

I don't know. I should be sleeping. I think I'm giong to do that now. Maybe I'm just an attention whore? I know I think I am, and even though I'm self-aware of it, I still do it.

But does that make it okay?

gah.

here's a laama.