I'm having fun, here at home, by myself, drunk. Please excuse any mistypingthingys.
So I was supposed to take pictures of myself in some of the outfits Ben bought me. Buuuuut... seeing as how I'm 1. Drunk 2. It's that time of month, and 3. I'm feeling rather fat. Don't roll your eyes at me. This is the second time in my life that I've weighed more than 120 lbs. Yes folks, thats right, I'm over 130 lbs. I KNOW I'm not fat... I just... I feel fat. Maybe its the bloated thing, the moody thing, the not having actually been touched in about about 4 months... not even being hit on in about 4 months... I feel... ick.
I'm nervous about going home too. I want to go out and have fun with the girls. I'm just worried that maybe I am boring now. I haven't gone out since January, and that one night after a couple months of not going out was a total flop! I've had the opportunity to... sort of. I prefer getting drunk at home now. Isn't that the sign of an alcoholic LOL.
I'm nervous about Italy too. Seeing our exes... I know I'm worried about nothing (as everyone keeps telling me), I just can't help but think about the awkwardness. And the whole reputation thing that Ben and I have, our 'stigma' if you will... I guess I'm dreading the laughter people will have at our expesne. "oh god he married HER?!?" or the "HA, just wait, she'll get whats coming to her!" or the "He just hasn't been married long enough" chuckle chuckle. I focus on it really. I guess it's because I'm scared of thinking about what it's going to be like to FINALLY be with my husband. I'm scared that if I really allow myself to think about it, it might... nevermind.
I am looking forward to it immensly though. God I cannot fucking wait to actually be MARRIED. To live like a real married couple. To kiss him goodnight, to wake up next to him, make his dinner, to do his laundry, watch him get dressed in the morning for PT, to feel his freezing cold body surround me after he gets back from running, to wash him in the shower, and send him off to work with a kiss and all the love in my heart.
I want so badly to be the perfect wife. I've never wanted anything more in my life, besides being HIS wife. I'm siting here staring at his grandmothers engagement ring thats sitting on my finger ( a stand in for mine, it's getting sized) and wishing with everything I am that I can make him happy for more than half a century... till the end of time. It scares me to death to think about wanting his children, and yet its something that I ache for, to feel his child grow within me (thanks Tam LOL). I want to feel his breath on the back of my neck everynight, to fall asleep to the sound of him sleeping, feeling his arms around me, to make his every dream come true!
How is it possible for a person to be so frightened, and so excited and hopeful at the same time?
So I was supposed to take pictures of myself in some of the outfits Ben bought me. Buuuuut... seeing as how I'm 1. Drunk 2. It's that time of month, and 3. I'm feeling rather fat. Don't roll your eyes at me. This is the second time in my life that I've weighed more than 120 lbs. Yes folks, thats right, I'm over 130 lbs. I KNOW I'm not fat... I just... I feel fat. Maybe its the bloated thing, the moody thing, the not having actually been touched in about about 4 months... not even being hit on in about 4 months... I feel... ick.
I'm nervous about going home too. I want to go out and have fun with the girls. I'm just worried that maybe I am boring now. I haven't gone out since January, and that one night after a couple months of not going out was a total flop! I've had the opportunity to... sort of. I prefer getting drunk at home now. Isn't that the sign of an alcoholic LOL.
I'm nervous about Italy too. Seeing our exes... I know I'm worried about nothing (as everyone keeps telling me), I just can't help but think about the awkwardness. And the whole reputation thing that Ben and I have, our 'stigma' if you will... I guess I'm dreading the laughter people will have at our expesne. "oh god he married HER?!?" or the "HA, just wait, she'll get whats coming to her!" or the "He just hasn't been married long enough" chuckle chuckle. I focus on it really. I guess it's because I'm scared of thinking about what it's going to be like to FINALLY be with my husband. I'm scared that if I really allow myself to think about it, it might... nevermind.
I am looking forward to it immensly though. God I cannot fucking wait to actually be MARRIED. To live like a real married couple. To kiss him goodnight, to wake up next to him, make his dinner, to do his laundry, watch him get dressed in the morning for PT, to feel his freezing cold body surround me after he gets back from running, to wash him in the shower, and send him off to work with a kiss and all the love in my heart.
I want so badly to be the perfect wife. I've never wanted anything more in my life, besides being HIS wife. I'm siting here staring at his grandmothers engagement ring thats sitting on my finger ( a stand in for mine, it's getting sized) and wishing with everything I am that I can make him happy for more than half a century... till the end of time. It scares me to death to think about wanting his children, and yet its something that I ache for, to feel his child grow within me (thanks Tam LOL). I want to feel his breath on the back of my neck everynight, to fall asleep to the sound of him sleeping, feeling his arms around me, to make his every dream come true!
How is it possible for a person to be so frightened, and so excited and hopeful at the same time?
Best of luck, and many blessings.