Bah, just random thoughts and existential (or really self) angst ...pay no attention I'm just writing it down to get it out
This was my day yesterday
Afterbirth was going to play baseball in Prospect Park. Wave and I decided to tag along. It was a beautiful day. Prospect Park was beautiful. I love Brooklyn, its less crowded and more humane feeling than Manhattan. We find a place to park, unload, get set up at a playground blah blah blah and then......
I get a call from my friend X, she's having a crisis. (background on X... we've been friends since 2nd grade, went to college together, we are like sisters. Over the past 20 years she has declined due to serious mental illness. She has been hospitalized, taken every drug you could name - however she also managed to get a graduate degree in creative writing and have 3 serious relationships. She hasn't held a job in about 12 years.) She is seeing double. This happened 6 mos ago too, she went to the ER, they couldn't figure out the cause, gave her Atavan and let her go. Her concern is that she is having a reaction to one of her meds, there is a possibility she could have a deadly reaction. She wants someone to come sit with her. Her mother (who usually gets these assignments) is an hour out of town and has refused to return unless X gets worse.
I agree to come sit with her. Even though it means leaving a perfect day at the park. Even though it will take me an hour to get there probably. Even though I have to bring Wave with me and will have to chase him around her apartment telling him not to touch anything.
I am pissed. I don't want to go. I am mad at her mother for not showing up (although I understand). I am mad at myself for being pissed. In situations like these I want to show up with an open heart or not show up at all. I feel guilty for being pissed - X would love to spend the day in the park with us, to not be sick, etc etc. I felt it was the right thing to do but it seemed I couldn't do it gracefully.
It took about a half hour between Xs call to me and getting in the car to go to her apt. I called to see how she was doing before we got in the car. She was worse. She had lost the use of her legs, could barely see. She had called 911 and her mother was on her way.
"what do you want me to do?" i asked. then quickly realized she was in no position to make any kind of decision
"I'm not coming" i told her. she was fine with it. we hung up
all my anger immediately dissipated. i felt guilty that i had been angry at all.
20 mins later i realized i should have stayed on the phone with her till EMS came. sigh. couldn't get it right.
we had a lovely day in the park
she called me later that day and was fine (relatively speaking). she had been discharged from the hospital, they had no diagnosis - maybe acute vertigo, they said. personally i think it has to do with her meds and it'll happen again.
i spent the rest of the day and night thinking about how easily i get angry, especially when someone wants something from me. for a long time doing stuff for others, helping people, was a hallmark of my personality, how i defined myself.
its not working for me anymore, it doesn't matter why it doesn't work anymore, it just doesn't but i don't seem to know how to order my life in a different way.
I'm in a pickle because i have chosen for my profession - nurse or midwife or childbirth educator - helping jobs. pregnant women are needy and i want to be able to help them without resenting them for it.
i suspect that it has something to do with the way i take care of myself.
i refuse to identify my needs beyond the most basic ones. i am hard pressed to take care of even the most basic ones (eating showering etc). when i DO take care of myself, i do it aggressively, almost AT someone as if my taking care of myself is selfish at will hurt the other person (that'll show 'em)
none of this is new or news to me. i've been dealing for this same stuff for years. its different now because I'm a mom and because i haven't worked in so long. i am terribly worried that i'll have another year just like the last one.
this isn't really SG material, just what been on my mind today.
maybe next entry will be lots of silly photos
there's a new group Self-Portraiture, its inspiring
This was my day yesterday
Afterbirth was going to play baseball in Prospect Park. Wave and I decided to tag along. It was a beautiful day. Prospect Park was beautiful. I love Brooklyn, its less crowded and more humane feeling than Manhattan. We find a place to park, unload, get set up at a playground blah blah blah and then......
I get a call from my friend X, she's having a crisis. (background on X... we've been friends since 2nd grade, went to college together, we are like sisters. Over the past 20 years she has declined due to serious mental illness. She has been hospitalized, taken every drug you could name - however she also managed to get a graduate degree in creative writing and have 3 serious relationships. She hasn't held a job in about 12 years.) She is seeing double. This happened 6 mos ago too, she went to the ER, they couldn't figure out the cause, gave her Atavan and let her go. Her concern is that she is having a reaction to one of her meds, there is a possibility she could have a deadly reaction. She wants someone to come sit with her. Her mother (who usually gets these assignments) is an hour out of town and has refused to return unless X gets worse.
I agree to come sit with her. Even though it means leaving a perfect day at the park. Even though it will take me an hour to get there probably. Even though I have to bring Wave with me and will have to chase him around her apartment telling him not to touch anything.
I am pissed. I don't want to go. I am mad at her mother for not showing up (although I understand). I am mad at myself for being pissed. In situations like these I want to show up with an open heart or not show up at all. I feel guilty for being pissed - X would love to spend the day in the park with us, to not be sick, etc etc. I felt it was the right thing to do but it seemed I couldn't do it gracefully.
It took about a half hour between Xs call to me and getting in the car to go to her apt. I called to see how she was doing before we got in the car. She was worse. She had lost the use of her legs, could barely see. She had called 911 and her mother was on her way.
"what do you want me to do?" i asked. then quickly realized she was in no position to make any kind of decision
"I'm not coming" i told her. she was fine with it. we hung up
all my anger immediately dissipated. i felt guilty that i had been angry at all.
20 mins later i realized i should have stayed on the phone with her till EMS came. sigh. couldn't get it right.
we had a lovely day in the park
she called me later that day and was fine (relatively speaking). she had been discharged from the hospital, they had no diagnosis - maybe acute vertigo, they said. personally i think it has to do with her meds and it'll happen again.
i spent the rest of the day and night thinking about how easily i get angry, especially when someone wants something from me. for a long time doing stuff for others, helping people, was a hallmark of my personality, how i defined myself.
its not working for me anymore, it doesn't matter why it doesn't work anymore, it just doesn't but i don't seem to know how to order my life in a different way.
I'm in a pickle because i have chosen for my profession - nurse or midwife or childbirth educator - helping jobs. pregnant women are needy and i want to be able to help them without resenting them for it.
i suspect that it has something to do with the way i take care of myself.
i refuse to identify my needs beyond the most basic ones. i am hard pressed to take care of even the most basic ones (eating showering etc). when i DO take care of myself, i do it aggressively, almost AT someone as if my taking care of myself is selfish at will hurt the other person (that'll show 'em)
none of this is new or news to me. i've been dealing for this same stuff for years. its different now because I'm a mom and because i haven't worked in so long. i am terribly worried that i'll have another year just like the last one.
this isn't really SG material, just what been on my mind today.
maybe next entry will be lots of silly photos
there's a new group Self-Portraiture, its inspiring
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
i thought i had a weird sunday.
i kind of feel guilty at times for trying to put my needs before others..
sometimes i fail at it.
i give you props though, you are far less selfish than i am.
even though you may not realize it...
what you are feeling is very natural, i think the majority of people go through this to a certain extent,
wanting to take care of others but sometimes feeling resentment for being put in the position of being an
enabler.
shit, that was one longass run on sentence, forgive me?
And you won't have a year like the last. I promise.