Get ready cause this is gonna be ugly.
I joined this site to spy on my husband. Weve been married for 18 years and I still dont trust him, not a good sign right. So, hes pretty flirty online although hes really up-front that hes married and says he doesnt wanna fool around. Actually I was sorta impressed cause he didnt say anything here (publically that is) that he wouldnt say in front of me.
So I decided to start my own page and try and give the spying a rest, see what it would be like to act as if I trusted him.
Then he started to want to meet people in real life that he met on the site. That made me a little uncomfortable but I was working towards it.
Because weve been together for so long we have some baggage and we cheated on each other although its been a while since hes slept with someone else (that I know of) he had a bunch of emotionally inappropriate relationships in 2000 (you may or may not understand what I mean by that)
I can be pretty jealous and suspicious but I was beginning to think it was all in my head.
Yesterday I did a little more spying (its one of my vices and sometimes I cant help myself) and I found out that hes been e-mailing this girl he had an affair with 15 years ago.
15 years ago this girl was my friend and I found out they were having an about 6 month affair back then cause she way staying with us and I read he journal (I havened changed). At that time I shouldve left him, but I was so broken up about it that I couldnt. I didnt get out of bed for a couple of days and when I did I decided this was the perfect opportunity to start doing heroin.
Fast forward - Ive been clean almost 12 years, we have this kid, were supposed to move to VT together.
We ran into the subway in sept when I was pregnant and he used that as a jumping off point to start e-mailing her. There are about 50 emails since Sept. She didnt want to at first but he really worked on her. Told her it would be a shame if they were never able to speak again, that maybe he had been in love with her. Got mock jealous when she mentioned her boyfriend. Sent her and her daughter Christmas presents.
He always says nice things about me in his e-mails to her, he doesnt want to leave me. I dont think theyve met yet but hes working towards it. I havened confronted him yet, cause I have a test tomorrow and couldnt deal with a fight tonight.
The worst thing is the fucker gaslit me - made me think I was paranoid when I was fucking right to be suspicious.
Im not sure where we go now. This is big.
He posted this on someones page this week
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. It's definitely not the most comfortable, and I think perhaps even impossible to practice 100% of the time despite our best efforts.
Although I havent posted naked pictures here yet (and am not sure I will) I am obviously an emotional exhibitionist.
I joined this site to spy on my husband. Weve been married for 18 years and I still dont trust him, not a good sign right. So, hes pretty flirty online although hes really up-front that hes married and says he doesnt wanna fool around. Actually I was sorta impressed cause he didnt say anything here (publically that is) that he wouldnt say in front of me.
So I decided to start my own page and try and give the spying a rest, see what it would be like to act as if I trusted him.
Then he started to want to meet people in real life that he met on the site. That made me a little uncomfortable but I was working towards it.
Because weve been together for so long we have some baggage and we cheated on each other although its been a while since hes slept with someone else (that I know of) he had a bunch of emotionally inappropriate relationships in 2000 (you may or may not understand what I mean by that)
I can be pretty jealous and suspicious but I was beginning to think it was all in my head.
Yesterday I did a little more spying (its one of my vices and sometimes I cant help myself) and I found out that hes been e-mailing this girl he had an affair with 15 years ago.
15 years ago this girl was my friend and I found out they were having an about 6 month affair back then cause she way staying with us and I read he journal (I havened changed). At that time I shouldve left him, but I was so broken up about it that I couldnt. I didnt get out of bed for a couple of days and when I did I decided this was the perfect opportunity to start doing heroin.
Fast forward - Ive been clean almost 12 years, we have this kid, were supposed to move to VT together.
We ran into the subway in sept when I was pregnant and he used that as a jumping off point to start e-mailing her. There are about 50 emails since Sept. She didnt want to at first but he really worked on her. Told her it would be a shame if they were never able to speak again, that maybe he had been in love with her. Got mock jealous when she mentioned her boyfriend. Sent her and her daughter Christmas presents.
He always says nice things about me in his e-mails to her, he doesnt want to leave me. I dont think theyve met yet but hes working towards it. I havened confronted him yet, cause I have a test tomorrow and couldnt deal with a fight tonight.
The worst thing is the fucker gaslit me - made me think I was paranoid when I was fucking right to be suspicious.
Im not sure where we go now. This is big.
He posted this on someones page this week
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. It's definitely not the most comfortable, and I think perhaps even impossible to practice 100% of the time despite our best efforts.
Although I havent posted naked pictures here yet (and am not sure I will) I am obviously an emotional exhibitionist.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
we're about to move in together. nothing's really changed. we're still who we are. monogamy's tough, and if i wasn't physically disabled, i'd likely be single.
i wish i had some advice for you but all i have is empathy for that constant _on edge_ jealous feeling - when you find something you were looking for, some proof of flirting or whatever, there's such a sick rush in it, of satisfaction, of disgust? do you know what i'm talking about?
actually, i do have advice. if that's a feeling you're having on a regular basis, please be careful. it gets into your cell tissue - these thoughts are not just in our minds and seperate from our bodies. i was really fucking messed-up jealous the year before chronic illness struck. i'm convinced that they're entwined. i'm not trying to scare you. i just think that this is messy emotional territory and has to be dealt with.
xox. n
If you ever need someone to talk to let me know I have MSN and yahoo.
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Kielyn