analith

I have totally thrown away any chance I had to do honors. If I want to do it I am going to have to beg my arse off to get a place. I don't know why I just don't give a fuck anymore. I am ready to throw it in. I think it's because we don't have Jane. Hopefully, going to Greece is going to renew my passion and I will rape next semester, and I can explain this semester away.

I am trying to be realistic, but also hopeful. My hope is dying more quickly than I would like, really. I need to just sit back and accept the fact that I am not supposed to be happy, like - ever. The first person whom I giggle when I think about, and he's like "no, look - I really like hanging out with you and I have fun, but I'm kinda seeing someone else, but..." What the fuck does KINDA seeming someone else mean? Am I thinking that I am just some regular booty until he gets to a stage when he can bone this girl? Even though he was like, "I could never cheat on anyone, I could never be with someone if I really liked someone else". Bollocks, you fucking lier!!! I don't know what to do with this - all I know is that... I fucking hate this situation. Life would just be so much easier if the person that I liked liked me as well. Then there would be none of this feeling sorry for myself and hurting thing. And the really shitty thing is, I FUCKING KNOW THAT I AM GOING TO GET HURT, because - for the first time since my ex and I (which was WELL over a year ago) I am feeling ready to put myself on the line.
I always said I wanted to be married before 25 - well, that's not going to fucking happen, now. Because, I'll put myself on the line for this mother-fucking lying cunt-face bitch who I can't stop myself liking, and he's going to hurt me and I'll be back at square one, hating everything.
I should become a lesbian.