amras

so, finally i'll write down some words about me and my life... hope you all understand what i want to say because english isn't my mother tongue...
after some hard weeks i find eventually peace and time to take a breath... my life is determined by a borderline personality disorder... i got the diagnosis when i was 15 years old... there were and are times when i'm close to the final step... unable to bear it any longer... by sheer luck i survived two suicide attempts... most time i can control my emotions and feelings by cutting or outletting myself... it's ok, it's a way i learned to handle my life... the biggest problem is the contac with other people... i am longing for closeness... phsycal and emotional... but this closeness scares me also... it's vicious circle... when i have the courage to contact people i want to be so close to them as possible... most doesn't understand or want this so fast... and if they do i distance myself from them after a short time...
another problem is my lack in confidence... i don't trust anyone... i just can't... there is always the fear that the people eventually abandone me...
but now i have found new strength... i don't want this solitary life i'm living... i want to contact and meet people who take me as i am... and i want to love...
ok, that should be enough for my first entry... it won't be the last... i promise...
and maybe there is someone out there who writes me some words and thoughts... i would be very happy to read some lines...