My trip to the 27th Annual International Barbecue Festival, by Yillie.
Aka A tragedy of BBQ-sized (pro)portions
Let me start off with this:
A) I love BBQ I mean, whats not to love? The smells, the tastes, flavors, accented with the textures of the food. Just wow. And how great is it to stink from that heaping charred fire they have goin on? Its just terrific, and one of the truly American-style thing I really like. And its sort of the symbol of Summer.
B) I am unabashedly a marketer. I have advertising, marketing and presentation ideas flowing coarsely through my veins. I've also been to many a convention, and Worlds Fair, World Expo, etcI know what commercial opportunities are like, and how to plan for them, to laugh boldly at the ridiculousness and hokeyness of Americana, its capitalism clamoring for attention and for your loose dollars.
C) Ive never been to any of the US States in the Midwest, and not many of the South, except for Colorado and Wisconsin, which may actually be too far over to west for the term Midwest. Kentucky seems to be a state thats somewhat Midwest, somewhat South. And I want to always see our country upclose and personal. I love to travel, love to ask about local customs, local dishes on the menu, and about what people do for recreation (as mentioned afore, I want to try to get at their loose dollars).
So, 2 weeks ago, when I get an email from my friend FunnyMan who lives in Charleston, SC, sends me an email asking What do you think? Wanna do a roadtrip? Ive known him for about 20 years, and he really is a fucking hoot. So I say yes. Hell yes!!
The url link he sends is for the 27th Annual International Barbecue Festival, proported to be the largest BBQ festival in the US, perhaps the World! And its a roadtrip! And I was under the false impression that FunnyMan had broken up after 2 years with his lovely and funny Vietnamese girlfriend. So why the hell not? God knows anyone who reads my journal knows I am ready to pull out my hair with work and constant dating so a trip sounded fun.
So, I was hopped up with dreams of tasty meats, crazy booths selling a world variety of bbq kitch, and sauces, and funny ass Americana goodies like hats & tshirts & such. I envisioned wed get plates, and scorecards to grade the selections we tasted from each team that was cooking up its goodies. We even paid extra for the MuttonGlutton Club (which I was hoping had some t shirts too!), with the call if its unlimited bbq food & drinks!. You can probably imagine this too like an Epcot Center of Global Barbecue taste testingribs, chicken, pork, beef, maybe even some turkey, etc
In fact, if you could imagine being told youre getting to stay at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, but when you get your room key its to Bellas Roadside Motel & Truck Stop on I-84 in Scranton, thats basically what occurred here. I could not have been any further led astray from my intended goal! This thing was the equivalent of a town fair for a town that has like 30,000 citizens, and is really close to get to from Indiana, too.
There was no taste testing. There was no kitch. There was no really good heaps of BBQ meat even. I could have taken a subway to Harlem & consumed more & better BBQ than what my trip produced. Im a BBQ Fest hater now. All there was an abundance of at this place was Jesus-lovers. This place was so Red State that I could taste it in the air.
Needless to say, I'm pretty BBQ-heartbroken.
The Plan::
Me: fly to Charleston, drive with the FunnyMan to Kentucky, stay over & start the festivities in the morning on Friday (it was scheduled for Fri & Sat), eat & drink our way thru till Sun morn, buying up various crap to bring home, then drive back to Charleston, see the delish and delightful PiskyPixie, grab some shrimp & grits, then fly home on Mon.
The Reality::
It did work sorta of like this, except FunnyMan had broken his foot, so he felt like shit the whole time. And left me alone, gobbling down drinks, where everyone I tried to make conversation with knew I was a Northern Aggressor and gave me the Southern Kiss Off Well, isnt that just wonderful, ie: fuck off longhaired liberal northern carpetbagger.
Oddly, there was nothing to buy. I mean NOTHING. I wasnt intending to get a custom-colored front license plate, any shirts/hats/wallets/dragons (??!) with a Confederate flag on it. They sold no kitch, no sauces, no funny bbq or chicken or pig or 'worlds greatest chef' related crap at ALL! I was so determined to buy stupid piggy things for Zunidyer, but there was NOTHINNNNNG!! What was left??
That only left food, booze & admission to the Miss BBQ Festival beauty pagent, which of course I gladly spent my $1.00 on just for the entertainment value alone. However I had missed the bathing suit competition & now I sat thru the gown & question (only one, nothing too taxing) portion. After 14 ridiculous answers (Who gives you the most important guidance? That would be JesusWhat would be the most memorable moment in your life? The moment I hit a grand slam homerun for my high school JV softball team, when we beat our cross town rivals.etc) I waited to take a photo with the recently crowned Ms BBQ Fest but she had left from backstage. No photos for you! Oddly, no one anywhere knew what she had won. Was it money? Free BBQ pork & mutton for life? A Free BBQ grill?? No one, including the 2 organizers I could find, had any clue. How about that on your modeling resume? Ms Pork Chop USA 2003.
2 of the lovely ladies here: Note, they never stopped the background music while asking her the deep meaningful question to secure her BBQ worthiness:
Now, lets talk about food:
1) I flat out refused to spend my money on any of those trailers of gyros, pizza in a cup & lemonade from lemons which seem to mysteriously appear at every town event, like a band of gypsies that arrive in the dark of night. I mean, I was there for BBQ, right?
2) Lets take a minute to explain what (apparently) Kentucky BBQ actually is they term it Chopped Pork or Chopped Mutton (this is lamb, and damned good, too) they basically take a beautifully cooked hunk of prepped meat, then strip it down to small strips (imagine pulled pork if you will). Then, in its container, its mashed around some more, making these strands smaller, and softer, nearly mush-like. Lastly, they throw in this sweet sauce, making the entire thing different then the smoky, fire-induced and grilled-on flavoring. They toss it onto a hamburger bun, offer a pickle & onion on there, and then charge you $2 or $3 for what essentially tastes exactly like a Sloppy Joe, but using stringy mushy bits of pork rather than ground beef. Thats it. I cant explain it any better than this. Imagine seeing a great steak cut up into small cubes for a bad attempt at a gyro, with the red & white sauces thrown on it. That would be a good parallel. I was crushed. Even the BBQ goodies seemed ruined. When I asked for it right off the grill? Well, they seemed to think I was a greedy, uncultured northerner who knew nothing. And it was way too expensive to serve like that. Ok, how much would that cost? We wont sell it, so forget it. Actually fergeet eet, mistah was more of a direct quote.
close up:
Also, the entire festival oughta be renamed The teen hookup event of the year, disguised to parents as a festival 70%+ of the audience was under 20. I was fairly surprised that while these kids were proud to talk about Jesus in normal conversation, and proudly wear crosses and their XYZ Christian High School tshirts, they were also quite happy to be publicly groped & have said tshirts rubbed up & down by the partners they all fell out of the Abercrombe & Fitch Tree with.
I enjoy a good long distance drive. I didnt totally mind the 12 hour drives, especially in FunnyMans new Volvo. But since I was having such a shitty time on day 1, I recommended we check out of town early, and head to Nashville for the next day, which seemed pretty logical to me. Nope. He was staying in BBQ ville. And thats when he was able to walk. So I made damned sure that we/I used that MuttonGlutton club to get seriously seriously pissed drunk. I figured it was unlimited booze, so wtf not?? (note: the unlimited booze got it's useage, trust me)
((speaking of drives, how about that noteworthy "Stinking Creek Road exit, eh?))
Anyhow, upon return to Charleston, we met up with FunnyMans girlfriend and kids & parents at the only Vietnamese restaurant. I had PiskyPixie meet us there, and tried a variety of goodies, then she drove me to downtown where we went to a pretty kick ass little bar called ACs. Lots of rockabilly folks. And some total straight laced girls from the university, too (it was graduation weekend) I got us into a conversation with a few of said girls so that we could make fun of them, but it turned out they were pretty damned cool. Ok, two of them were, one was a whiney kvetch, but whatever. Her sister was damned cool. Oh, and she got a phat new ride, too! Woo hoo!
Had a fun time, and the next day met up with the PiskyPixie for lunch @ the Kickin Chicken out where her dad lives. Now, I enjoy hitting up the firing range when I'm in town, but probably a bad idea to fire weapons then head thru airport security a few minutes later, eh? Sir, why is there gun powder residue on your hands??Then left for the airport in a nasty ass lightening storm. Have fun on that tiny 40 seat plane, buddy!!
Overall, I had a good time, but what a fucking huge disappointment!!!! And sadly, no gifties for anyone, not even meself...
But heres some photos, yall!! Git r Done!
Everyone needs one of these - but it's a bitch on the carport roof:
Lots of chopped BBQ meat means lots of these babies:
What seems to be the official sport of Kentucky, the Horseshoe Toss. Unfortantely I missed taking photos of the pie eating contest:
BBQ Meats, here we go! (you'll see some Pork, Boston Butt (more pork), Chicken, and Mutton galore, oh my!):
This stuff is a stew called 'burgoo' (pronounced bur-que) - its all sorts of tomatoes & meat & stuff, not bad, actually
More Burgoo:
((At one point I asked one of the guys cooking the meat "which would Jesus like best?" - I know Im an instigator! - he replied "Oh, fer sure the Bahston pork butt"...um, WRONG dude - Jesus was a jew, and in those days certainly no jew would eat pork - correct answers would have been chicken or mutton....)
Aka A tragedy of BBQ-sized (pro)portions
Let me start off with this:
A) I love BBQ I mean, whats not to love? The smells, the tastes, flavors, accented with the textures of the food. Just wow. And how great is it to stink from that heaping charred fire they have goin on? Its just terrific, and one of the truly American-style thing I really like. And its sort of the symbol of Summer.
B) I am unabashedly a marketer. I have advertising, marketing and presentation ideas flowing coarsely through my veins. I've also been to many a convention, and Worlds Fair, World Expo, etcI know what commercial opportunities are like, and how to plan for them, to laugh boldly at the ridiculousness and hokeyness of Americana, its capitalism clamoring for attention and for your loose dollars.
C) Ive never been to any of the US States in the Midwest, and not many of the South, except for Colorado and Wisconsin, which may actually be too far over to west for the term Midwest. Kentucky seems to be a state thats somewhat Midwest, somewhat South. And I want to always see our country upclose and personal. I love to travel, love to ask about local customs, local dishes on the menu, and about what people do for recreation (as mentioned afore, I want to try to get at their loose dollars).
So, 2 weeks ago, when I get an email from my friend FunnyMan who lives in Charleston, SC, sends me an email asking What do you think? Wanna do a roadtrip? Ive known him for about 20 years, and he really is a fucking hoot. So I say yes. Hell yes!!
The url link he sends is for the 27th Annual International Barbecue Festival, proported to be the largest BBQ festival in the US, perhaps the World! And its a roadtrip! And I was under the false impression that FunnyMan had broken up after 2 years with his lovely and funny Vietnamese girlfriend. So why the hell not? God knows anyone who reads my journal knows I am ready to pull out my hair with work and constant dating so a trip sounded fun.
So, I was hopped up with dreams of tasty meats, crazy booths selling a world variety of bbq kitch, and sauces, and funny ass Americana goodies like hats & tshirts & such. I envisioned wed get plates, and scorecards to grade the selections we tasted from each team that was cooking up its goodies. We even paid extra for the MuttonGlutton Club (which I was hoping had some t shirts too!), with the call if its unlimited bbq food & drinks!. You can probably imagine this too like an Epcot Center of Global Barbecue taste testingribs, chicken, pork, beef, maybe even some turkey, etc
In fact, if you could imagine being told youre getting to stay at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, but when you get your room key its to Bellas Roadside Motel & Truck Stop on I-84 in Scranton, thats basically what occurred here. I could not have been any further led astray from my intended goal! This thing was the equivalent of a town fair for a town that has like 30,000 citizens, and is really close to get to from Indiana, too.
There was no taste testing. There was no kitch. There was no really good heaps of BBQ meat even. I could have taken a subway to Harlem & consumed more & better BBQ than what my trip produced. Im a BBQ Fest hater now. All there was an abundance of at this place was Jesus-lovers. This place was so Red State that I could taste it in the air.
Needless to say, I'm pretty BBQ-heartbroken.
The Plan::
Me: fly to Charleston, drive with the FunnyMan to Kentucky, stay over & start the festivities in the morning on Friday (it was scheduled for Fri & Sat), eat & drink our way thru till Sun morn, buying up various crap to bring home, then drive back to Charleston, see the delish and delightful PiskyPixie, grab some shrimp & grits, then fly home on Mon.
The Reality::
It did work sorta of like this, except FunnyMan had broken his foot, so he felt like shit the whole time. And left me alone, gobbling down drinks, where everyone I tried to make conversation with knew I was a Northern Aggressor and gave me the Southern Kiss Off Well, isnt that just wonderful, ie: fuck off longhaired liberal northern carpetbagger.
Oddly, there was nothing to buy. I mean NOTHING. I wasnt intending to get a custom-colored front license plate, any shirts/hats/wallets/dragons (??!) with a Confederate flag on it. They sold no kitch, no sauces, no funny bbq or chicken or pig or 'worlds greatest chef' related crap at ALL! I was so determined to buy stupid piggy things for Zunidyer, but there was NOTHINNNNNG!! What was left??
That only left food, booze & admission to the Miss BBQ Festival beauty pagent, which of course I gladly spent my $1.00 on just for the entertainment value alone. However I had missed the bathing suit competition & now I sat thru the gown & question (only one, nothing too taxing) portion. After 14 ridiculous answers (Who gives you the most important guidance? That would be JesusWhat would be the most memorable moment in your life? The moment I hit a grand slam homerun for my high school JV softball team, when we beat our cross town rivals.etc) I waited to take a photo with the recently crowned Ms BBQ Fest but she had left from backstage. No photos for you! Oddly, no one anywhere knew what she had won. Was it money? Free BBQ pork & mutton for life? A Free BBQ grill?? No one, including the 2 organizers I could find, had any clue. How about that on your modeling resume? Ms Pork Chop USA 2003.
2 of the lovely ladies here: Note, they never stopped the background music while asking her the deep meaningful question to secure her BBQ worthiness:
Now, lets talk about food:
1) I flat out refused to spend my money on any of those trailers of gyros, pizza in a cup & lemonade from lemons which seem to mysteriously appear at every town event, like a band of gypsies that arrive in the dark of night. I mean, I was there for BBQ, right?
2) Lets take a minute to explain what (apparently) Kentucky BBQ actually is they term it Chopped Pork or Chopped Mutton (this is lamb, and damned good, too) they basically take a beautifully cooked hunk of prepped meat, then strip it down to small strips (imagine pulled pork if you will). Then, in its container, its mashed around some more, making these strands smaller, and softer, nearly mush-like. Lastly, they throw in this sweet sauce, making the entire thing different then the smoky, fire-induced and grilled-on flavoring. They toss it onto a hamburger bun, offer a pickle & onion on there, and then charge you $2 or $3 for what essentially tastes exactly like a Sloppy Joe, but using stringy mushy bits of pork rather than ground beef. Thats it. I cant explain it any better than this. Imagine seeing a great steak cut up into small cubes for a bad attempt at a gyro, with the red & white sauces thrown on it. That would be a good parallel. I was crushed. Even the BBQ goodies seemed ruined. When I asked for it right off the grill? Well, they seemed to think I was a greedy, uncultured northerner who knew nothing. And it was way too expensive to serve like that. Ok, how much would that cost? We wont sell it, so forget it. Actually fergeet eet, mistah was more of a direct quote.
close up:
Also, the entire festival oughta be renamed The teen hookup event of the year, disguised to parents as a festival 70%+ of the audience was under 20. I was fairly surprised that while these kids were proud to talk about Jesus in normal conversation, and proudly wear crosses and their XYZ Christian High School tshirts, they were also quite happy to be publicly groped & have said tshirts rubbed up & down by the partners they all fell out of the Abercrombe & Fitch Tree with.
I enjoy a good long distance drive. I didnt totally mind the 12 hour drives, especially in FunnyMans new Volvo. But since I was having such a shitty time on day 1, I recommended we check out of town early, and head to Nashville for the next day, which seemed pretty logical to me. Nope. He was staying in BBQ ville. And thats when he was able to walk. So I made damned sure that we/I used that MuttonGlutton club to get seriously seriously pissed drunk. I figured it was unlimited booze, so wtf not?? (note: the unlimited booze got it's useage, trust me)
((speaking of drives, how about that noteworthy "Stinking Creek Road exit, eh?))
Anyhow, upon return to Charleston, we met up with FunnyMans girlfriend and kids & parents at the only Vietnamese restaurant. I had PiskyPixie meet us there, and tried a variety of goodies, then she drove me to downtown where we went to a pretty kick ass little bar called ACs. Lots of rockabilly folks. And some total straight laced girls from the university, too (it was graduation weekend) I got us into a conversation with a few of said girls so that we could make fun of them, but it turned out they were pretty damned cool. Ok, two of them were, one was a whiney kvetch, but whatever. Her sister was damned cool. Oh, and she got a phat new ride, too! Woo hoo!
Had a fun time, and the next day met up with the PiskyPixie for lunch @ the Kickin Chicken out where her dad lives. Now, I enjoy hitting up the firing range when I'm in town, but probably a bad idea to fire weapons then head thru airport security a few minutes later, eh? Sir, why is there gun powder residue on your hands??Then left for the airport in a nasty ass lightening storm. Have fun on that tiny 40 seat plane, buddy!!
Overall, I had a good time, but what a fucking huge disappointment!!!! And sadly, no gifties for anyone, not even meself...
But heres some photos, yall!! Git r Done!
Everyone needs one of these - but it's a bitch on the carport roof:
Lots of chopped BBQ meat means lots of these babies:
What seems to be the official sport of Kentucky, the Horseshoe Toss. Unfortantely I missed taking photos of the pie eating contest:
BBQ Meats, here we go! (you'll see some Pork, Boston Butt (more pork), Chicken, and Mutton galore, oh my!):
This stuff is a stew called 'burgoo' (pronounced bur-que) - its all sorts of tomatoes & meat & stuff, not bad, actually
More Burgoo:
((At one point I asked one of the guys cooking the meat "which would Jesus like best?" - I know Im an instigator! - he replied "Oh, fer sure the Bahston pork butt"...um, WRONG dude - Jesus was a jew, and in those days certainly no jew would eat pork - correct answers would have been chicken or mutton....)
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
"and swing yer partner round and round
throw that bitch on the ground
flip her over on her back
and stick yer dick up in her crack"
hahahahah...now, that part, THAT was my favorite
Your efforts to acquire pig-related paraphernalia for me will be remembered. You are a true friend.
I could actually feel my heart breaking as this tale of woe unfolded. What a nightmare! No good kitschy stuff? No bad t-shirts? Hats? No hot sauces?!?! And the stuff didn't even taste that good?!?!?! These guys do not deserve to have a fair!!! We should arrange a Dinosaur event sometime next month to make up for it! You poor thing!!!
Also, how is Miss Pork Chop USA not me?!?!?! Something is very wrong here!
Glad you made it home alive. God, I am never leaving NYC again!