amory

this is very hard for me to write.... but it all needs to come out. this is going to be long, but it means something to me... and if you are a part of my life in any way, I'd appreciate it if you took 5 minutes out of your life to read my rambling.

there really isn't anywhere to begin this, life itself is really the beginning. there is so much that has happened in my lifetime and that is mostly where this comes from. and yet it's not where this comes from. everyone has been through many experiences. most of us are much older in experiences than in our actual years. i do not pretend to be the only one that has had a rough life, in fact i know many people that have told me their life story, and at the end of it i wonder if i could have even survived what they have been through. i am strong, but there is so much strength in the people i see in my life, and just everyday. it is this i think, this strength i see in people, this hope i see in everyone that makes it difficult for me to "hate" anyone. I can honestly say that there is not a single person in this world that i do hate... not one. i can think of people that i look down upon in distgust, people that i think are idiotic, people that really piss me off... but hate.... no. it is this thought that brings me to write what i am writing today.

too much today i see people that are constantly trying to bring everybody else down and it amazes me... i literally don't understand it. i don't believe in trying to make someone feel bad, in trying to break people down, in hurting someone because "i want to". i know i have hurt people in the past... and it was never my intent. admittedly, sometimes selfishness and longing and misunderstanding got in the way, but i have never meant to hurt anyone. i think about the decisions that i have made in my life out of thoughtlessness and greed,and i think about those decisions with the utmost remorse. it is funny how the harder i have tried to be honest and upfront and considerate of the world and everyone around me, i have slipped away from the truth and from the kindness in which i base my world around. it seems like i have slipped away from the things i believe in. i can't sleep at night and it seems to be this endless pattern of destructiveness that i can't control. and i can't do it anymore. it is so clear to me.

i called my mom today and told her that i loved her. i called CAmeron and told him that i love him as well. i don't have room in my life for hate anymore, i just don't.

the truth will set you free she said. and it will. the truth? i am ashamed of myself. i miss my family. i want to go home all the time, but i want to do something great. i love my job, i really do. i always feel like i need attention, and i don't. i have some of the best friends and i threw them away because i wanted to run away from everything. and they are still here, telling me that they love me and that i can "come home" when I'm ready. I'm fucked up. i think that i am in love with someone... and i am. but i always feel like something is missing and i don't know what it is. i have become really close with someone and i really like this person. and it makes me feel like shit that i don't say anything. because i don't want to lose someone i love. and thats the truth.

i don't know where that leaves anything in my life. but i have no intention of living like i have been. and if anyone hates me for any of this then, i'm sorry. i am a fucking person. i make mistakes and i grow up and thats life. you learn... and i have had so much heartache in my life and i will have so much more. and i am scared of it, but i can embrace it if i have to. that is life.

and there is more to this.... but the words just can't come out.

that is all for now.