amorette

i wrote another entry and it didnt post. asshole.
I wrote about Kelly. and how we are suppose to go to Saturn when I go see her. about the time she gave me a massage, and how amazing it was. noone has done that for me. the times she read me my charts, and made me think more about things. when she told me I was fickle and wishy washy and called me a tease. I cant believe she moved.
I thought about ruby. how she is like a dream. my dream girl. the only one who understands me completely. no matter how difficult it is for me to express myself she knows just what I mean. just how I feel. she shows no anger. no resentment. no worry. always so light and carefree. angelic. she comes and goes. much like the wind. it carries her away from me. how she once held me in her arms and would sing to me. kissing away my tears. kissing my lips. her lips were soft. almost like velvet. her eyes shone so bright so alive. even in the darkest times of her life, she still looked beautiful. the soft touch of her hands running through my hair. and then the cool feeling of her cheek against mine. I would think I was in love with her. I was in love with the intensity of her caring and love. for not just me, but everyone, everything. anything. always to make things better. never watching herself because she was too busy taking care of the world. when she was sick I felt terrible. I felt as though I sucked the life from her. it was the drugs. she missed her father but wouldnt tell anyone. her mother was beautiful. they shared the same grace. when her father died her mother turned thin and pale. they both coped well. I stayed that summer with them. in their new house. their new life. in san Francisco. it seems like another life.
Adrianne and I went to the top of Winnetka. I drove and we smoked and drank our coffee and listened to cat power. the emotion in her voice. everything we feel but dont know how to show. happiness but a certain pain and heavy feeling stuck inside the deepest part of your chest. I wanted to take <I>you</> there. to see how beautiful it was. to share it with you. you can see the whole valley. all the way to downtown. the city sparkles with glory. but inside it is sad. much like we are. beautiful. with the deepest pain. at that single moment the things that were going on. we saw them all, yet we didnt see anything. lights. still from the high point of that hill we could hear the sirens. rescue me? or destroy me? the siren's call was loud. we heard the coyotes. these though were not the ones I have familiarized myself with. not my friends. we drove deep into the heart of the city. drove through the pain filled streets. the lies. we came to a place that knows nothing but beauty. that is why it is there. to enlighten and educated those who know not of this. I bought some candles. many colours and a card. I shall write. one day to you. I bought Adrianne a lamp shade. the whole time inside the small building the scents of incense and oils marinate your clothing. you walk out smelling of something pure and beautiful. we leave. we speak of our hopes and thoughts. I say I hope to inspire the uninspired. I havent thought about how I can achieve this. I know Adrianne hopes to be a great artist. she will. drive home alone. I listen to cat power. her voice invades my mind. it stings my brain and permeates through every inch of my body. chills run down my spine. I suddenly felt cold. my heater was on but the hot air did not warm me. I pulled onto my street and I see my coyote on the slope. his stare burns into my eyes. I park and I can still feel his gaze upon me. I look back and he is half way close than before and he never takes his eyes off of me. he feels my longing. I know his. I begin to walk towards the house and look back and he is gone. perhaps tomorrow we shall see each other again.
granola. I crave it. my body aches. I feel cold. tired and thin (in the non body shape sense). maybe I am translucent and you can see into me. tell me what you see. sleep. I feel at ease. calm. relaxed. my mind keeps running and my body cant keep up.
cigarette. let the sweet tobacco smoke burn in your lungs. exhale. repeat. relax