amitiel

Okay, so my number 1 buddy, PseudoNiMH commented to me that I was mean. I wouldn't go so far as to say mean, but I will admit that my feelings about being happy that J is learning what she missed are based in my hurt that she didn't trust in me, and herself. From my point of view, when two people obviously love and care for each other, it seems to me it's disrespectful to those feelings to ignore them, or ask someone to pretend they don't exist. What J has done is disrespectful to our relationship and not just my feelings for her, but her feelings for me. In this world, finding someone you truly love and care for is not an easy thing, and those feelings should be valued and respected when they exist.

So yeah, I'm kind of bitter and hurt, and I do want her to be reminded of what she has given up. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants to realize the truth about something.

Interestingly enough, our relationship is closer than it has ever been. The sexual tension is almost unbearable, though. We spoke on the phone today, and she indeed does know what she has given up and she is not happy about it. Though I learned an interesting truth about it today, something that my man kept from me. Early on, she confronted him and told him that though he claimed he was really open to she and I having a relationship, she felt that he was kidding himself in saying that he wouldn't be jealous. He went so far as to say that he could give me things that she never could. (hmm, isn't that sounding jealous?) In response, she told him that she didn't want to come between him and me, because she didn't want to make me choose, because she worried for him that I would choose her, because despite the fact that I make a glaring exception for him because he is so special to me, I really do, deep down, prefer women. She told him that she felt I would choose her over him, and she didn't want to go there. Oh wow. That's intense.

So yeah, she knows what she gave up, and she had a big dose of that. She doesn't think I was being mean, I guess because she knows where it's coming from. Her reasons for giving me up make sense, but on the other hand, I really wish she would trust me enough to know that I would do anything to make everything work out so all three of us are happy. It doesn't mean I can, but if an effort is made by all parties, it has a good chance. And if we try and it doesn't work out, that would be sad, but at least we would have tried and had something very special together.

Still need to write about last Friday's dinner at her place. . .