amandaz

why is it that no matter what i do, who i try to abobsorb myself in, i see you for one night and all the progress ive made just diminishes...
you have such an emotional impact on me. just seeing you, sitting on the couch with you, letting me drape my legs over you and fall asleep.
someone told me they can sense that you know how i feel about you, and i don't think thats a bad thing,regardless of how much it hurts sometimes.
im glad you know that someone loves you. still. after everything you did to them. someone would still go to the end of the earth to help you out.
my heart is aching with the supression of these feelings around you. but id rather repress them than tell you and scare you away. i pretend everything is okay for the sake of having your friendship.


i love that you show up at my house randomly after not having seen me in a month and not talked to me in weeks, and treat me like you saw me yesterday. so calm cool and collected...
id do anything to not lose those visits, even though how often i see you is too little.

maybe these days im just a passing thought when youre " in the neighborhood" but atleast im still there.

i hold on to no hope that anything we have could ever be repaired. i wouldnt dare to dream. that would make me too happy, and no one really deserves to be as happy as i was over the summer. really.

and you know what ive come to realize.
the single most selfish thing ive ever done in my entire life was making the decision to be in love with you.
and i cant recall ever having been happier.

maybe you do stick to my ribs like oatmeal because you were first and formost my best friend.
the one and only person i could have called at 3 in the morning, upset, and youd be at my house in 10 minutes. you lived 20 minutes away.
going 80 down rt8 just to come comfort me. as a friend.
and then everything happened and then i lost it.
but im better for having know you, and everything that came with it, than never at all.
im a richer and better person for every second of love and agonizing pain you have given me.
at this point i can appreciate it all.

im still unclear.
i still have things to say.
but this has made me feel way better.
im not correcting any errors right now.
i really dont care.
i didnt use caps, or much punctuation.
there is also prolly some unnecessary words strung here and there. spelling errors too.
fuck it.
im sober and i still dont give a damn.
im out.


this entry is for everyone.
feelings.