alyeska

It's always the same ex. It happens almost every night that I don't black out. But it's two different types of dreams. One dream is so heartbreaking (well, both are, but still) and my ex and I are together for some reason. As in, not miles apart. Once we were in a large hotel room with soft carpets and floor-to-ceiling glass windows. Once we were in a mall. He flirts with me, he looks handsome as ever, his hands are so strong. And I want him. I need him. But he refuses to look me in the eye when I'm in tears. He won't hear any rational word I have to say. I wake up and it feels so real, like it just happened. I wake up and my eyes are swollen as if I cried myself to sleep.

But the other dream is full of so much happiness and pleasure, that waking up from it is just as heartbreaking. This time, he never wants to break eye contact. His hands never leave my skin. Sometimes it's just a huge tease, both doing everything we can just to touch each other, taste each other. To be together again. Sometimes we're actually kissing. The best kiss I've ever experienced. Hungry, needy, and desperate. The last few times I've had this dream, we've actually had sex. It wasn't making love, but it was passionate and loving. It wasn't fucking but it was hungry, primal, and rough. Something I've only experienced once. Maybe twice. Lately, these dreams end with me falling asleep on a large bed with him. Not too close, but close enough for our hands to touch. I always wake up alone on a couch.

I don't know what these dreams are trying to tell me. All I know is that almost daily, I'm mentally abusing myself for what is going on in my life. For what I've done. It takes me all day to get to a happy place, and then I have to sleep again. I tell myself that the next day will be different, that I'll be ok and that life is life and I have to move on. But then the dream happens and I wake up so broken. So damaged. Sometimes there is physical pain. I'm so lost.