alyeska

Now that I've had time to calm the fuck down....mostly. Ate $50 worth of sushi by myself. Listened to Strangeland a few times. All these calming things. Had a few little break downs and cried a few times. You know, calming things. I can tell you a little more.

My dad listened to me today when I explained that I've quit drinking, cut back on caffeine almost completely. I've had coffee twice since Friday. Snuck some iced tea once lol. And my nicotine has been cut in half as well. He understands that I'm going through a physical detox. I'm also trying to fix my sleep schedule. So my body is physically exhausted and in pain right now. He was kind and understanding. It helped to bring it up after his first drink, when he was happy but not drunk. Sad to have to do that, but work with what you have, right? He still gives me shit for taking my Celexa but oh well. He also understands that I can't possibly get a job until I'm over this hurdle. How am I supposed to interview for a job when I can't wake up and I'm sick?

That helped a little. He wasn't too bad today. Threw a fit when he couldn't sleep and I refused to listen to his usual drunken "I hate my life" ramblings. But oh well. Shit happens, ya know?

But my guy.... he was the most help tonight. I went numb for a while after an entire day of pain, and it was hard for me to really connect with him. But I'm so happy to have him in my life. He's the total opposite of me in almost every way. Like 99% opposite. But I love it. I love everything about him and what he is. He frustrates the hell out of me. And I still get jealous of all the girls he talks to and I still get my doubts.
He's the most social person I've ever known. I'm trying so hard every day to not be a petty, jealous girl. I'm trying to learn from it. To grow from it. I still have my moments. And there's one girl that still really pisses me off. But I just want to be a better person, a stronger woman. With everything that's going on to better myself, it's not my priority and I still fuck up, but I'm only human.
He's also calm. Like alllll the fucking time. Cool, collected, strong, and in control. He has his own moments, that are completely justified. But I'm passionate, angry, volatile, and have zero control over my emotions. Total opposites. I hope that once my life is more stable, I can start learning from him. How to be so in control. But, to be honest, I hope he can learn to let his passionate side out. Not just sexually, either. Just total passion and emotion and feeling everything there is to feel and just letting go. While I need to learn to control my emotions, there's something to be said for letting go and just going with how you feel and experiencing it.

I don't think he knows how much help he was tonight by simply spending time with me. Even when I was being difficult. I was still a little upset, and partly with him, but I got over it. Like I always do. He's amazing to me. He's still a little lost with how to deal with me, but I also have to get used to a guy who hasn't known me for two years. It's not easy. Nothing about this is. I wish I could explain more about why it hurts so much, but I can't. Not now.
But I cry sometimes. Just sitting here, or laying down, or even in the shower once. It's for a reason. But my heart breaks. It's a physical pain, I can feel it in my chest, my fingertips, my neck, my lips, and my eyes. It hurts. It's a violent longing. And I have no idea when it will be cured.

Before he fell asleep he texted me a few times. One of the things he said is hands down the SWEETEST thing anyone has ever said to me. "I can't get enough of you." I have never had anyone say that to me before. And judging by the situation and how the night had gone, I don't doubt it one bit. It's hard to believe, but I don't doubt it. Does that make sense? I've never had anyone say that to me so it's a new feeling to deal with, but I know he means it. It was the biggest smile I've had all day. And one of three smiles I've had all day.

I wish he hadn't fallen asleep before I could say goodnight. I'll probably end up sending him a series of 10 or so sappy ass fucking texts. Some of which are apologies. I hope he doesn't mind.

He and Reekie are the lights of my life right now. Reekie has been a bit busy so, thankfully he has been there for me when she can't be. Bryzly may have an eye infection, and in three days I start dieting. I'll be broke soon, including emptying my savings. Which is money to move out of Denver. But I am trying to better myself and it's a struggle at first. So atleast I have them. And the Coyotes.

I'm depressed, hurting, broken. But I have friends with glue and supportive words. I couldn't say enough about how supportive he is without being biased, controlling, or manipulative. It's exactly what I need right now. And might need for a year. Or five. Or more. Who knows. I like to think in months right now.I need to shut up now.

I really need to sleep. I want to wake up in time to have regular coffee instea of halfcaf or decaf. I hope I can do it. Depends on how shitty the dogs act. Lord knows if I get coffee I'll end up writing a new blog anyways lol.

So yes, I'm doing better. But things are still hard. I'm still depressed. I'm still crying randomly. Still detoxing. But I am loved. Cared for. Supported. Truly supported. And someone can't get me out of their head. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm human. Vulnerable. Pained. Loved FOR every second of it.

xoxoxo Alyeska