alyeska

The night that went downhill involved a lot of alcohol, painful words with my best friends, and my father. I have since stopped drinking. Not 100% because if I try to control myself totally, I will rebel against myself. Like since that night, I've had one shot of alcohol. Tequila, on Cinco de Mayo with my dad. But other than that, I've stopped drinking and I feel better. Much better.
I was putting down entire bottles of Jack in one night. Drinking 101proof whiskey like water. The extreme change has really made me feel better. It turns out alcohol can fuck with how my body reacts to Celexa. So not only had I missed my Celexa for 4 days, but the alcohol was messing with it too. Not to mention, I am on the highest recommended dosage. So now I make sure to take my celexa AND my D3 as soon as I wake up. So that's really helping.

On top of that, I have the sweetest man in my life. While he spoils me, yes, he still makes sure I don't get away with stupid shit. I'm learning a lot from him. He's mostly the opposite of me, which drives me crazy. Like frustrates me to the point where I want to physically destroy something. But he also makes me happy. I typed out like 3 paragraphs about how amazing we are together and shit, and how we work so well. But then I remembered something he mentioned last night that I haven't stopped thinking about. And I'm hurting a little. I know I shouldn't. I'm fucking stupid right now. And have zero control over the voice in the back of my head. So yes, I have a man who loves me and cares about me and is desperate to make my life better and help me grow. Not change me, not force me into something I don't want to be, but gives me the words and support I need to become who I want to be.

jesgrnrgrfngogpponhgieoghvoesa word vomit.
I guess I had too much caffeine. I'm so sorry.

I'm desperate to get out of Denver. I'm considering getting a place in the smelly, dirty town where Reekie goes to school until she graduates. I'd prefer to get a roommate in Boston. But it seems like EVERYONE I know who would/can/does live there is still in school, staying out of the city for the summer, or can't afford it.

The reason I'm desperate to get it out isn't because Denver sucks, or that I need in Boston NOW. I'm willing to wait for the right time, as painful as it may be. But my father is the most toxic person in my life. My mother tried to kill my brother and I while trying to commit suicide, and then left us when I was 3, and spent years disappointing us and refusing to be a parent..... my dad is STILL the worst person in my life. If I went Pink today, and then my photo was posted on the SG facebook and allllll those keyboard-strong haters called me every name in the book..... my dad would STILL be the worst fucking person ever.

Two nights ago, he spent half an hour telling me how fat I am. How he's suprised my boy can "stomach my body enough to like me." How I should be ashamed to go into public looking like this. That it is SHAMEFUL to weigh this much, to look like this. That he's shocked a man with money was willing to marry me, no matter how great my personality may be. Fucking painful, right? THAT'S MY DAD.
I've also heard in the last week how useless I am, worthless, etc etc how my future is bleak and I shouldn't have left my husband because he had money. It never stops. Last night was the first night since he got back from a work trip last week that he hasn't been a dick.
And I wonder why I was drinking so heavily and harming myself. He keeps pushing me to get a job. FUCKER, I DO NOT WANT TO STAY HERE WITH YOU. I NEED OUT. I would rather work two jobs and live somewhere else than stay with you any longer.

Example; Two nights ago I'm fat and should be ashamed. Next day, I tell him "Dad, what are your plans for dinner? Because I am going to get my nails done and then pick up sushi to eat during the Coyotes game, ok?" He says ok and says he's getting chicken. I get my nails done (which are too fucking long and she wouldn't shorten them UGH) and I text him (bcuz my droid stopped letting me make calls) if he got his chicken and he says "yeah, I got enough for both." WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Now yes, I still could have gotten my sushi, but then I would get lectured on how he spent his hard earned money and he's trying to be nice and I'm wasteful, etc etc. So to avoid a fucking fight, I came home and ate as little fried chicken as possible to please him. I was hungry ALL night.

Why would you call your daughter fat and then feed her fried chicken? You know why he did it? Because every night he's drinking on average 2/3rds of a handle of rum, and doesn't remember the shit he says in the morning.

Sorry to rant like that. But I am being broken down and emotionally beaten. It just hurts so much. And it's taking everything I have to be strong. I'm so fucking exhausted from trying to be strong, that I am sleeping 10 hours a day. Sure, most of it is broken up by barking, asshole dogs, and needing to pee, and shit like that. But yeah. I'm exhausted from dealing with him. I take a xanax to help, and he calls me a "drug abusing loser, self medicating because I'm weak and pathetic"

I need to move on in this blog. I just need out so badly.

My comment count on Everlasting Light is still rising and that's amazing and I love it. Someday the percentage will hit 97% =] I don't think it will be purchased after a year in MR, so I found a more realistic goal to look forward to.
The Borgias season 2 is amazing and I love it and I'm in love with Cesare.
Bought AC2 for cheap and play that when the receiver actually works with the 360. Damn thing.
I'm getting better with makeup. My eye makeup looks AMAZING and I don't even need mascara because once I put on my glasses, it's a fucking optical illusion and my natural eyelashes stand out big time.
I bought new 7/16s for my ears. They glow and have moustaches and monocles on them. They don't fit yet.
My new boy is awesome. And nice. Every time I start talking about how great he is, I delete that shit because I start to get worried. So I just won't talk about him. He stopped reading these anyways so who the fuck is it for? It's not my fault he words shit in a way that causes me to doubt everything. Oh well.
We'll see where it goes I guess.

I really wish I could find a Latin patch for my Rosetta Stone. All I ever fucking find is LATIN AMERICAN. I fucking hate it. I don't want to learn latin american or any veriation. I want to learn Latin. I can't afford to buy the program right now. So I might just start learning Italian. I keep saying that but I never make time. Plus..... It's gonna suck going from how far I was in German to basic, simple, shitty Italian.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. No one reads it.
Oh, and Alex is an asshole. Just so everyone knows, even though no one knows who I'm actually talking about. But seriously. I want to punch him. Whatever. That asshole.

I'm obsessed with Archer lately. Which is fun I guess. I blame the new boy in my life. Who for some reason, I'm upset with right now and he's sleeping. OAEIGDEOAGVNAIOVDNHGIOVSE FUCK. This is what I mean, one stupid annoying thing comes up and my angry, bitter, little demon in the depths of my mind keeps screaming it over and over and reminding me how it could be painful or how it could be a sign. And then I overthink and overanalyze. I need help.

I guess I'll just post some pictures. I'll probably replace this blog in like three hours anyways.