altamedic

you know i always sit here with the best intentions to write a blog that would totaly rock your world but when i finally make it to this page my mind goes to hell in a handbasket really quickly. Its almost like some wierd and mysterious thing is blocking what i want to say. Or it could be im just scared due to a few times of posting things and having them seen in the wrong light and then losing friends. I am going to be honest here, i dont have many friends in real life and i know here is internet friends but i truely and honestly value all friendships here i have online as if they were right next to me and you are people i see face to face everyday. I have a very very hard time making friends face to face. im always scared that i will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or just be the wrong thing. The internet is so safe. I know everyone says beware on the net and its not that safe but for me it is. i can hide here, i can be the flirty guy that everyone says hi to or gets a laugh from. or even puts a smile on your face. its like my job and its something i love doing. but the thing is and it always has been for the last 12 years, is really simple. Im alone. I feel fucking lonely. I could be in a room full of people and still be alone. I know it sounds cliche but its true. I am starting to find things that use to really give me pleasure or joy, just dont do anymore. An great example of that would be my playing of Everquest and Everquest 2 online game. Man i use to do that all the time, you could not get me away from my game unless it was to go to work. Now i have not even been online in about 3 weeks. I just dont have the energy or drive to be there anymore. could it be im growing out of the game phase of my life? or could it be i just needed a break? who knows, i guess only time will tell.
On another track, i have a good friend that i get to talk to everyday ((mostly due to her being a cooridinator for air ambulance so i have to talk to her at work LOL)), she thinks i might be fighting depression again. I told her i did not have the energy or drive to argue with her on that LOL just kiddin. i let her know i was just mot feeling up to some things. i have alot on my mind that i need sorting and such
1. Room mate ((who kicks ass)) is moving out ((well being forced out due to her losing her job at our company) and ill be alone for a bit there, until they decide who all will move in with me ((i only pay 1/2 rent so i dont have a say as to who lives with me)) that is something that makes me nervous
2. i applied for a job with this company that i think i would really do good here, i did up a resume, and a great cover letter, and handed it in. i dont know whats up due to the fact the job posting will go till the 20th of june. i really really reallly hope i get it. the ironey is that its the job that my roomie had. well i guess only time will tell on that one too
3. lack of communications between myself and my great friends espeically here on SG. it all falls down to the lack energy. it seems that all i do is work and work and never have a chance really to do anything for me. not that i have the money anyway hehehe
4. lack of funds. i took this job willingly and knowing the rate of pay. the bad thingis that now im broke al the time and living paycheck to paycheck...okie lied there im acctually living 1 paycheck behind a paycheck. i know most people would say get off your ass and get a better job. But its hard. especially when you find a job your good at, and do truely love doing. it takes a special person **and no im not tooting my own horn or displaying my ego on this** to do this. to pick up the phone when someone is having one of the worst days in their life and help calm them down so you can send help to them. to effect thier lives so much that it could be the diffrence between life and death. its a huge responsibility.
5. family. its simple. i miss them. i wish i could go and see them for a few weeks on the west coast but i cant. enough said about this
6. bug, sorry had to put this one in here. i HATE bugs. i get so irriated when they fly around my face or even land on me. drives me nuts! prob one of the reasons i love winter so much is that there are no bugs around. oh well like some people around here say...suck it up princess
wow thats about it..damn ment to pop on here and say hi. guess i needed to vent....

lots of love to you all....miss you all terribly.....hugs!