altamedic

hmmm where to begin? i know its been awhile since i really got to say anything to you all, and for that imsorry. just seems lie life lately has reall bean beating my ass hard **and not in the good sexual way eiter ))) i guess ill just start talking aand see where it leads me right now.sorry if i jump around alot but this is more for clearing my head out than to be wirting a perfect blog:
i moved up here to high level back in novermber to start a new life. now i love this job working as a eergency dispatcher but for some reason smething really feels missing. i came here thinking of teamwork, and how everyone would get along and work hard to put out the best product of emergency services that would be proud of. well i can say right now i was really really off base. this seems to be a pretty cut throat job. we have lost 5 people in the last 2 months with them being fired or just quiting. now i dont blame them. this work is had work and it almost seems like this company is just here. they really dont look after thier people which to me is sad. anyway im going to stop here before i really say anything that could come back and haunt me.
i have been quite depressed the last 4 months. i cant seem to really put my finger on why. i find myself extremely worred about money, my life, my lack of having a girl friend. now people here and on other sites that i get to talk to are wonderful and helps me feel good and such, but lets face facts. im still here single and alone. and i think that is the biggest thing. being alone. i hear about people finding their life partner or how this guy treats this woman like crap yet she stays with him, makes me wonder what the hell im doing wrong? i dont drink, i dont do drugs, i am extremely nice, and poite with women. I have been sitting here the last few weeks wondeiring ifthere was a way to come up with money and have plastic surgury to change my looks. maybe thats whats keeping me back. I mean look at this, its been 12 years since i last had a gf, since i last had phyical contact with a woman. Now i realize icould go out and get some physical contact with a escort, but that is just not who i am or how i can do that. I dont go to bars and even if i did, i could not take a drunk woman home with me, if someone was to be with me, i want them to be in full control of themselves and be with me for me. i dont know maybe this is totally messed up. well its one of the reasons for being as depressed as i am....i guess im just lucky i have great friends here and around the world on MSN and such that i get to talk to. And i feel HONORED and PRIVELDGED to be able to see all the very beautiful women here on SG both the ones in pink an the ones going for pink. granted this is a paid site, and such but i just cant help feel this pride of the women, but this is like a double edged sword. i see all these lovely ladies, and i dont konw wish that i would be lucky to be like a bf or to have one as a gf. i know it seems creepy but hey its my blog and its the way i am feeling right now.
okie switching tracks again, i am going to work hard hereto chenge a few things again, i need to requalify some of my courses so i can go and work on ambluance and get out of the dispatch part. i also want to go and maybe move to a bigger city for 2 reasons. better job oppertunities, an maybe a better chance to go and find a gf.
god i had so much planned tosay but now im sitting here, and my mind is going blank. maybe i should start writing down thoughts during the week and then blog them. well i guess that is what im going to do. ill close this spoiler with saying thanks for reading my bs. i just needed vent.