Everything went the way I had expected it to go tonight. We are no longer going to give us a go. She had explained to me that being with herself is what she needs right now. She needs to figure out where she wants to go in life, what she wants to do, who she wants to be with, she needs her and her puppy, she needs to find out more about herself. I knew all this. When this was something we spoke about, I started really thinking, as I know she did, and I realized that she is where I once was. But, I've also realized through us talking tonight that I am nowhere near where I need to be. She told me how she views me and I am so grateful for that. I mean a lot to her and I can see it. I need to make some changes in my life, truely strive for greatness. I know I'll never be perfect but, I am positive I can be great.
I walked to coffee shop to meet her. I didn't feel like it was an appropriate time for me to be behind the wheel just because I'd be absent-minded and I need a clear head for that. She offered me a ride home and I was hesitant but, agreed to it. We pulled up in front of my home, I took my seatbelt off and she pulled me in for a hug. we grabbed eachother very tightly and close for a long pause. I pulled back from her and looked into her eyes. I could see something there. I pulled her head towards me and we kissed. We kissed for several minutes, almost as if it were like our first passionate kiss. There was always passion behind every kiss but, this one felt different, like we connected differently than ever before. She said she was glad that I did that. Before I left I told her I had to tell her something Ive never told her before, I told her that the first time she ever lay the side of her head on me, I felt her earing dig into my skin. It was a simple pain that I found so much joy in and that when we hugged it pressed into my cheek. I told her that I'm going to miss that. I gave her a smile as I grabbed her hand and said bye.
I think that what I got out of all this was something that will stick with me for a lifetime. I feel like I've gotten the reassurance that I needed when it comes to how I hold myself both on an ever day basis and in relationships. I feel how I've always wanted to feel about myself. I finally see how I am as a person and to everyone around me. I have so much potential and I am on a very good path mentally but, I just had a doubt about myself all the time. I expressed to her that I'm just afraid to fail again at my firefighting dream and that is the first time I've ever said it aloud. I think that I need to take my own advice. I've just got to push for my goals as hard as I possibly can and not let anything get in the way of that.
I know this is long winded. It's basically just my thoughts as of right now after this whole situation. I felt like I needed to get it out of my head and somewhere else. I think that we do have something more than just a friendship. I feel like maybe we just didn't have the friendship thing cemented down enough for the relationship that this could have been. I can truly say that she is the only girl that I've had this type of connection with. I have no expectations about a relationship ever coming to fruition between us. I do feel like I need some time but, I will contact her sometime this summer. I do want her in my life in some facet and she has expressed that she wants that as well. She has said who knows, maybe our paths will cross sometime down the road and what would have been will work then. There is something great between us and I feel like it won't end here. I don't know where it will go but, I don't think that's not for me to know right now. I'm going to explore. Explore the world, my mind and just find my true self. I know I need a new job, I need to keep my focus on making my body strong and my mind stronger. I have to believe myself and believe in myself. I'll be ok, I know I have a life ahead of me that I'll look back on and be proud of.
This really helped.
If you've come this far, I thank you. For me being a person sitting on a rock by myself in the middle of the ocean to you, but still interesting enough to hold your attention makes me smile. As sad as I am about all this, I'm happy it happened. I think this made a big statement in my life. One of the biggest so far.