alphamale

My boss wanted me to write out goals for myself. S.M.A.R.T. goals they're called, theyre supposed to help me improve my work performance...stick it!! I didnt really like the sound of spending my precious time writing goals that Im not even going to try and accomplish. So, I started putting together a shopping list.

I'm getting low on non-essential goods; light bulbs, tin foil, sandwich baggies, things like that. I think I deserve a new razor or maybe a box of white cheddar cheezits. I have some real food but I won't be hosting any dinner parties with what I've got, so I add some of that stuff too. I put together a mighty impressive list of things. I wont go into details but you can bet that if it isnt in my house, its on the list.

The food was the hardest part of the list because Ive always been an eat-what-your-craving sort of guy. So while Im trying to figure out what I want to eat next week, I start to get all of these cravings. It probably doesnt help that I was self-medicated and giggly but I get this yearning for beans... pork and beans. Dont ask me why but I had to have some Bushs baked beans and I had to have them right now. I know Im gross and how could I eat such a thing but, they taste so yummy.

I took a quick break from work and made a run for the closest market. I get to the Safeway and there are people everywhere hustling and bustling trying to decide what they want to eat next week. All I want is a can of beans...mmmm. Sweet yummy pork and beans, with maple cured bacon mmmm...NO! Must... stay... focused.

There was a small band of mountain gypsies in the store looking for cheap beer and as luck would have it we followed the same search pattern throughout the store. All but the girl in the group had grease under their nails but all of their skin had that leathery look that said that these people know what a hard days work really means. I grew up with a couple of families like this and it was good to see that some things just dont change.

Bushs home style baked beans, I finally find them as I hear the gypsies scream "Hey you! Yeah you, Mr. Person-that-works-here" They weren't talking to me so I just focus myself on the beans. So many choices here and I have to take the sale into consideration; 2 large cans for $3.00 or 2 small cans for $2.78. It works out that the large cans are a better deal but I dont need that many beans, its just me eating them. So I grab a couple of small cans and make my way to the register. I can still hear the gypsies harassing the clerk. Poor guy, he should've called in sick.

The girl whos ringing up my beans looks at me funny. I notice the details of her face and I think to myself about how her face looks a bit worn for a teenage girl but times are rough these days. She tells me that I could save money by getting the bigger cans. Good customer service in her mind, right? "Thanks but I dont need that much." I tell her. She goes on to tell me how it really is a better deal and how much money I would be saving.

"At that price, she says You should just by the larger can and just throw away what you dont eat."

There are people in this world that would kick that little girl's ass for a can of beans. Have people really been telling there kids that its ok to ask for more than you need because you can always throw the rest away? What a wasteful world we live in. I just looked at her and smiled, ignorance must be bliss. Im the guy that always feels bad for eating good food when people elsewhere are fighting for stale bread. I never do anything beyond feeling guilty but at least I dont go around buying more than Im going to use just to save a few pennies. Lets not forget that if I buy the big can, Ill eat the whole thing and I dont think my fat ass needs a family-size can of pork and beans.

I made it back to work and sat down to eat my tasty treat. I was everything I imagined it would be. It was like a dream...

There I am sitting on top of a white fluffy cloud with Sinatra playing in the background There's a giant kidney bean on my left and a big pink pig to my right. The giant bean smiles and hands me a snorkel and starts pouring maple syrup down my throat. The pig starts whipping me with strips of sizzling bacon and hes laughing. Theyre both laughing at me, make them stop; make them stop laughing at me!! "STOP THE LAUGHING!!"...

Okay Im better now.