alohajames

Insomnia is one thing I can say I've had all my life. Until now though it's never gotten in my way.

As any of you know who have been reading my blog, or just glance down at the last few posts, I've written a children's book and I'm trying to illustrate it. The illustration part is coming along horrendously though because of my insomnia. I've had a shit ton on my mind, having been recently dumped from my "fiance." I put that in quotes because we were too poor to buy a ring, but in all other aspects were indeed engaged.

Well due this suddenly being single thing, I did the nice thing and moved out of the house so she could keep it, and the pets. I miss all four of them, her and the three pets, to death. I still talk to her all the time, we're great friends, she just doesn't love me anymore. However, since I moved back to Chicago Illinois and she's still in Ames Iowa, it's kinda rough only talking to her and not seeing her.

Anyways to loop back to the insomnia and book thing. I wrote the book after we broke up because she wanted me to tell her a story as I sometimes would while she fell asleep. This one was a bit longer than some, much shorter than others, but it was one she liked so much she's having me make it a book. So every time I go to work on it I think of her. All the great times we had and all that. Basically I end up crying on my illustrations or just not even getting the nerve to start. I've been feeling depressed lately and I really shouldn't. I'm just what one calls a hopeless romantic and believes that everyone out there has someone for them. I believe she's my someone, even though she believes otherwise.

But whenever we talk it's like we've never broken up which is why I'm still holding on. I've actually turned down sex from three girls just because I couldn't feel right doing that this soon. So I guess what i'm saying is instead of using my insomnia to help me creatively like it usually did, I'm now sitting around my room moping and hoping that things "go back to the way they were."

I need to move on. I'm just afraid that if I do that she'll come back to me and say she was wrong and that she still does love me and seeing me with someone else hurts and all that. I know she's out talking to other people, I have even encouraged her to do so, because I feel if she's with someone else then I know she was telling the truth and I need to get over myself.


Yeah, so I just realized how much of a rant this is, and I know no one out there really cares, but I guess I just needed to get it out there. If anyone has anything to say positive or negative go ahead. I wont hold it personally. Likewise, if anyone is looking for a complete schmuck that is overly loyal and gives all he is in all he does. I'm here.

And if anyone else out there feels the way I do, I'll gladly talk to you. I know sometimes it's just easier to talk to someone you hardly know and can still relate with than someone you've known your whole life.


Love always,

James