allycat_13

I'm not necessarily afraid to fall in love again, but it seems that way with the poems I write. I actually crave a relationship and the like and to not have another lonely night in my bed, etc. It sucks, bad. I like to think that I'm an attractive girl and my personality doesn't suck all that much, but I do know I come off a bit too harsh and have been told this. But I wonder sometimes if this might be a tactic of my underlying subconcious mind or some shite that is trying to prevent me from meeting someone new. I can't quite figure it out really cause I act quite strange sometimes, but if people cannot accept this then eh tis not be my fault. This is who I am, its fun to be abnormal in my eyes. The price to pay for such intelligence I'd say. Look at some great artist you know were a bit messed in the head: Picasso, Van Gogh, Giger (I say him cause his fiance killed herself and look at his work, its brilliant and odd), James O'Barr (His fiance was murdered just like his main character Eric Draven's fiance), and so on and so forth. Many writers also like Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickenson were great writers but also messed up profoundly. All very sad, but you pay somewhat for your creative talents. August 25 will be 2 years of being single this year. Yay, I have made it longer this time then any being single. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh
I know I have wished time and again to not be bi-polar and ADHD. I have cried on several occasions wishing to be different if only for a day, but still that cannot happen. Is it normal for a 6 year old girl to curse God, to yell at her ceiling damning him for the taunts and name callings? No, it is not. I used to day in and day out as a child. I grew up with hardly any friends because no one understood my odd behavior and I hated God for making me so. I didn't know any better, but its still sad to me to think on such days. To think about a skinny little blonde girl with glasses sitting on a playground by herself reading a book wishing she was playing with the other kids. I even had rocks kicked at me alot of the time or fought with boys cause they picked on me alot. Fist fights erupted alot of the time. I even beat up a little girl for wearing a pretty dress with flowers on it. WTF? I still feel horrible about that and wish I could apologize to her for it.
I'm glad I'm not as angry anymore now even though I still get a bit agitated on the road driving and at stupid people in the world. Annoyance happens often, heh, I can't help it.

Wrote this the same day as the last poem. My friend and I are doing good. He wasn't mad at me really. He told me he just thinks into things too much, don't worry about it. So we're cool now! Yay!
Wrote this while driving down the road and in class. Don't write while driving though, not smart.

6-29-06
You take away my pride
I feel regret
Letting my feelings show
Telling too much information
about myself
Tie the knot off from
my emotions
Become cold to outsiders
to escape the outcome of
another night falling alone
by myself