My father is alive. I should be thrilled and happy everything went well today. But for some reason I can't be happy. Maybe it's a pre emptive strike at the pain I'm going to feel when does die. He's pretty old for a 24 year olds father. He's about to turn 65 in a month. He still works 80 hours a week, and works fucking hard.
I've watched my father destroy his own life. Watched him carve out his own little version of hell. And, the reason I left Wyoming was simple. I didn't want to die there before he did. But, his 50 yeras of smoking and massive bacon/beef eating are catching up to him. He's frail. Weak.
I talked to a friend about it yesterday. And his quote was "It's hard to see your hero in a weak state." Is he my hero? In some ways yes, my father is the most giving man I've ever met and I'm certain he's the most giving man I'll ever meet. He's also put me through nothing short of hell and I blame him for a lot of permanent damage. I'm adult enough to be over it and continue with my life. No details. No need.
I guess being that I'm 1000 miles away from him now, I feel detached in a way. I almost feel like he's dead already. Maybe I'm just preparing myself for the day it happens. To ease i along and make it easier on myself.. Because I know I'm going to fall apart when it happens.
I haven't been home in 2 and a half years. I don't really know why. I just don't go. That place was my own private hell of trips to the ER from OD'ing, sitting in jail, and all those ugly secrets I tell no one. And I mean no one. But you, the one or two people that might possibly take the time to read this. That is my home.
You can never truly go home they say. Thank fucking Christ.
I've watched my father destroy his own life. Watched him carve out his own little version of hell. And, the reason I left Wyoming was simple. I didn't want to die there before he did. But, his 50 yeras of smoking and massive bacon/beef eating are catching up to him. He's frail. Weak.
I talked to a friend about it yesterday. And his quote was "It's hard to see your hero in a weak state." Is he my hero? In some ways yes, my father is the most giving man I've ever met and I'm certain he's the most giving man I'll ever meet. He's also put me through nothing short of hell and I blame him for a lot of permanent damage. I'm adult enough to be over it and continue with my life. No details. No need.
I guess being that I'm 1000 miles away from him now, I feel detached in a way. I almost feel like he's dead already. Maybe I'm just preparing myself for the day it happens. To ease i along and make it easier on myself.. Because I know I'm going to fall apart when it happens.
I haven't been home in 2 and a half years. I don't really know why. I just don't go. That place was my own private hell of trips to the ER from OD'ing, sitting in jail, and all those ugly secrets I tell no one. And I mean no one. But you, the one or two people that might possibly take the time to read this. That is my home.
You can never truly go home they say. Thank fucking Christ.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
amina:
damn, get that man to stop woring himself so hard.
linz:
dude...that is some seriously intense shit. i know how you feel. my mom has cancer and she is taking it pretty hard. she is really sick. she lives far away though and she has never really been much of a mother to me. she loves me though and i love her. it's really hard to deal with losing your parent..knowing that they are fading away...it fucking hurts, dude...stay strong.