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allonblack

Vatican City

Member Since 2002

Followers 24 Following 47

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Saturday Nov 23, 2002

Nov 22, 2002
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I need to keep a journal of some sort. Something to sort of remember my days or try to figure out what lessons i'm learning or just bitch. So, why not here, why not now.

Tonight was the first time I saw my best friens since about the first week of October. I hadn't talked to them because I withdrew from everyone. Family, friends, etc.. These were also my band mates. So, on Halloween when I was supposed to be playing a big show at Burnside skate park, I was home, in my pajamas, staring at my walls.

I'm manic depressive. I quit taking medication about 2 years ago and I've been doing ok up until this last 6 months or so. I tend to disappear. I turn my ringer off, I lock my doors, shut my blinds, and don't talk. I can remember numerous instances where I didn't speak a word for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. It's fucking stupid. I'm seriously thinking about going back to the doctor, getting re-evaluated and getting back on meds or something. What I'm doing isn't working.

Anyways, I saw them. And it was hard. One of my friends didn't say a word to me. He just walked away when I approached him. One was so drunk he blacked out and got kicked in the head so he had to go to the hospital. The other one was decent. I said I'd like to speak to everyone at once and explain myself and apologize. He was cool.

I miss my band so fucking much. I've never had more fun or felt more at ease in my life then when I was around these guys playing music. It was so fucking cathartic. Nothing could beat it.

So, the issue to figure out tonight is, where do my self destructive habits come from? Do I ultimately set myself up to fail whenever something is going well? Yes. I do.

I'm capable of so fucking much in this world. Drive and passion burn so strong in me, but this ugly black is in there too. It takes over when it wants, goes away when it wants. Being powerless like that is fucking dehumanizing. You start to question every fucking thought you think. It's hell.

So, what will I do tomorrow to step out and get better? I'll call my friends and see that they are ok after last night. I'll go to My Father's Place and have some eggs and a whiskey and a smoke. I'll read a bit. I'll play my guitar and pretend I'm Mogwai, then I'll go to bed. We'll see how that goes.

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