allegro

Sick. Again. This makes more times than I can count since September. I'm so friggin tired of it.

I reread the story I wrote in response to one written by then-TinyHobo. When my fiance read this story I wrote, he thought it was incredibly depressing. True, I can see why. But I still like it an awful lot.

Once upon a time this site was a gateway for lots of good for me. I became a member shortly after the end of my last relationship with the intention of becoming an SG, something my ex-girlfriend would never have stood for. I loved my body and wanted to expose my most flirtatious sides, but wanted to join first and get a feel for everything here.
I instead found a community that made me feel more at home with my bisexual identity than I had ever felt before. I found the first online community I ever got excited about. Then I discovered Silliness. Ah, 4chan lite, how I loved thee. Though Silliness I found the first people ever that I would call friends purely through online interaction.
And then there were the people who subtly pushed me and encouraged me towards the sort of creative pursuits that I am always proud of and help me define my own worth. There aren't enough thanks for that.

And there were one or two I even cared for more than I might ever have thought possible. The internet is a strange and glorious thing indeed.

Of course I never did become a Suicide Girl. I also still haven't gotten that tattoo I've been planning for three years. I have a bad habit of putting off some things indefinitely. Still may get a tattoo as a wedding treat, we'll see.
See, I always ended up of two minds whenever I posted my bare boobs or bum in, say, Zarth's thread or Greaser's thread. The appreciation was delightful, but I'd go to sleep the next night feeling a little crummy about me. I realized posted a set would be worse.
My feelings now are different. I do not think I would suffer any of the same doubt, but as I keep considering a future in teaching, shooting a set might still pose a risk to me, though not out of my own self-conscious nature. Not that is should, but people can be so stupid when it comes to having people around their kids who have any public sexual past.

And then I got a fairly full-time job. I couldn't spend hours on Silliness anymore. Soon, I didn't recognize anyone there and didn't have the time to build new bonds. The site layout changed several times. I miss two sets a day, and member review leaves me with boobie overload.

Now, with broken camera and busted mp3 player and abandoned affairs, I feel somewhat disconnected from my daily musical identity, which certainly hurts my creative urges, and certainly unable to act on the urges to share the visuals that are so much of what I could shift to sharing with writing less inspired (more nakey or more life, whatever). Plus, my life is just less exciting to write about.


So really, what am I doing here now?

Well, the possibilities are never all behind me.
Most of the ones I adored are still here even if relationships shift. And I can't swear that new ones won't appear.
The site still leaves me with access to information I need and appreciate. Sure I could get some elsewhere, but the attitude here is different, often enough in a good way.
And who knows? Tomorrow my camera may be prepared, my inspiration may return, or the site will find a new way to affect my life positively.

We shall see what we shall see.

Have you gotten anything from your SG experience you didn't expect? Tell me, tell me please.

Love to you...