On my last two SG accounts, I always used this journal as a place to write thoughts for new pages for my book, and, to continue with old tradition, here is todays thought for the chapter that is called, "Letter's to old girlfriends, and the blowjobs that ensued."
Hey,
Again, I couldn't be happier you're moving on with
your life. I've said it 1000 times and I'll say it
again, don't settle for less. Never settle. Cody,
Powell, Billings, they don't deserve you Moe. I hope
someday you will realize that cities won't kill you,
and you make it to the Northwest, or where ever. Just
don't give up or settle. That's no way to live.
I don't know if I'm wondering anything else. I've
actually been having a really hard time lately with
being depressed. I think I finally realize that this
is out of my control and I need help. This
rollercoaster of days, emotions, friendships, crying,
etc... is finally too much to handle. I know I'd never
do it, but all I seem to think about is death. Taking
this weight off me that is too heavy to carry. I just
need to get back to work and getting my ass to a
therapist of some sort.
I've been reading about abandonment disorders and
realizing a LOT about myself and why I've never
allowed myself to get 100% close to people and so on.
Knowing why you're being so self destructive is one
thing. Knowing how to stop doing it is another.
I used to think I had chemical issues that made me so
moody, dark, glum, irritable, but, it's emotional.
I read once that people like me that have such fucked
up emotional problems don't have skin to bounce
problems off of, they have thin gauze and it tends to
absorb into already open wounds. And, that's exactly
how I feel. I've never developed that thick skin
outside of completely shutting myself off, or down.
The ability to not care, or care 1000 times too much
is all I know. I need a balance.
Hopefully, I'll find it.
A lot of times when you're depressed you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, you don't see a way to ever get out. Any medication can be fought off if the
will to get better isn't there. And it's weird.
Somedays, I wake up and I know the hardest thing I'll
do all day is simply get out of bed. Somedays, I feel
ready to write 50 songs, make 10 new friends, cook
dinner for my house, clean my truck up, and so on. I
guess it's the lack of something real to hold on to is
what makes it worse. There has never been anything
stable or consistent in my life. Especially people
wise. I've never been giving any reason to trust someone with my feelings, closeness, whatever. And, looking at my family life growing up, it
all makes perfect sense now. I've never believed in
anyone, so, it's impossible for me to believe in
myself.
And what's strange, is I'm so hard on myself. But, I
forget sometimes how good I am at everything I do. Thee isn't much that doesn't come naturally to me. I can talk to anyone, I can adjust to any new job within a day, and do it well. I learned how to build my computer from reading instructions on the motherboard, I rebuilt my carbeuortor in my truck from the instructions in the book, I won 3 statewide literary awards for a small book of short stories I wrote in high school and I'd never written a thing before in my life. The other night I'm at a going away party
for a friend. Some band is playing, they get done and
everyone is just standing around, playing rockabilly,
country, whatever. My friend Matt walks away from his
drums, hands me some sticks, and says, "play Jay."
I've never, ever played drums before in my life
outside of bang, crash, hehe hehe, they're loud. So,
the guitar dude plays, the bass plays, and I went with
it, and everyone was looking at me funny because it
was like I had played drums my whole life. My friends
were cheering me on because they knew I didn't know
how to play and were just shocked and giggly.
Then, someone hands me a guitar, and I've never played
rockabilly or country music, and I start playing a
song, and the 20 or so people that were in the garage
start dancing like crazy. I didn't know this until I
turned around to find my cigarettes.
Being depressed makes things like that so hazy. I
forget I'm so capable of so many things. But, my mind
is perpetually in this fog. Like I'm in a cage with no
key. I need out. Because I could lead an amazing life. I could take these words, take the pain I know, I've known and make something beautiful out of it. But, what that is, I can't see clear enough to make out that light at the end of the tunnel.
So, I'm taking steps, but I need to go to a
professional or something. I don't know what. And
until I start working a job with benefits, I don't
know that I can get in to do that. I'll just have to
wing it and fight for a good day now and again. I've been doing this for years, but I'm finally at the point where I can't hold a job anymore because I start drinking, I start missing work, I start leaving early because it just gets unbearable to be around other people that aren't looking at the world from your perspective.
I guess since I've been like this for so long, that
it's easy to act like I'm fine for the sake of
appearances, whatever. But, the whole time I was
driving to Cody, I was having these fantasies of
death. Maybe a semi will cross the line and hit me
head on. Maybe we'll blow a tire and go rolling off
the cliff. And from what I've read, that's almost a
good sign. It shows I don't have the will to do it
myself, but, I do want an end to the pain.
Oh, get this. I was reading up on the interpersonal relationships on children that were abandoned and I now know why I get so nuts when I feel my loved ones slipping. I finally know why when I was watching Jessica self destruct and slip away from me, why I was crying so much. I can't get into it because that would take about 3 more hours but that's finally clear to me. And, it's fine. That's been making me so thrilled all week to finally identify what's been wrong with my relationships. Never having been close with anyone, once you get close, and you start to feel them slipping away, it throws people like me into an awful emotional frenzy. It's hard to deal with, but now I can at least identify what's going on and try and gate some of the emotion.
I'm going to go see a movie or something. I've been
reading more books than I ever have before in my life
and it's so cathardic. Now and again, I crave a story
to be told to me in the most obvious , IE, a
movie. It's strange, I never watch tv anymore, I
haven't been drunk in weeks. I'm trying to clear my
head as best I can. And, it seems to be working.
Ok I'll shut up now,
Be good and have fun. Don't ever forget to just have
fun,
Love,
A dude
Hey,
Again, I couldn't be happier you're moving on with
your life. I've said it 1000 times and I'll say it
again, don't settle for less. Never settle. Cody,
Powell, Billings, they don't deserve you Moe. I hope
someday you will realize that cities won't kill you,
and you make it to the Northwest, or where ever. Just
don't give up or settle. That's no way to live.
I don't know if I'm wondering anything else. I've
actually been having a really hard time lately with
being depressed. I think I finally realize that this
is out of my control and I need help. This
rollercoaster of days, emotions, friendships, crying,
etc... is finally too much to handle. I know I'd never
do it, but all I seem to think about is death. Taking
this weight off me that is too heavy to carry. I just
need to get back to work and getting my ass to a
therapist of some sort.
I've been reading about abandonment disorders and
realizing a LOT about myself and why I've never
allowed myself to get 100% close to people and so on.
Knowing why you're being so self destructive is one
thing. Knowing how to stop doing it is another.
I used to think I had chemical issues that made me so
moody, dark, glum, irritable, but, it's emotional.
I read once that people like me that have such fucked
up emotional problems don't have skin to bounce
problems off of, they have thin gauze and it tends to
absorb into already open wounds. And, that's exactly
how I feel. I've never developed that thick skin
outside of completely shutting myself off, or down.
The ability to not care, or care 1000 times too much
is all I know. I need a balance.
Hopefully, I'll find it.
A lot of times when you're depressed you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, you don't see a way to ever get out. Any medication can be fought off if the
will to get better isn't there. And it's weird.
Somedays, I wake up and I know the hardest thing I'll
do all day is simply get out of bed. Somedays, I feel
ready to write 50 songs, make 10 new friends, cook
dinner for my house, clean my truck up, and so on. I
guess it's the lack of something real to hold on to is
what makes it worse. There has never been anything
stable or consistent in my life. Especially people
wise. I've never been giving any reason to trust someone with my feelings, closeness, whatever. And, looking at my family life growing up, it
all makes perfect sense now. I've never believed in
anyone, so, it's impossible for me to believe in
myself.
And what's strange, is I'm so hard on myself. But, I
forget sometimes how good I am at everything I do. Thee isn't much that doesn't come naturally to me. I can talk to anyone, I can adjust to any new job within a day, and do it well. I learned how to build my computer from reading instructions on the motherboard, I rebuilt my carbeuortor in my truck from the instructions in the book, I won 3 statewide literary awards for a small book of short stories I wrote in high school and I'd never written a thing before in my life. The other night I'm at a going away party
for a friend. Some band is playing, they get done and
everyone is just standing around, playing rockabilly,
country, whatever. My friend Matt walks away from his
drums, hands me some sticks, and says, "play Jay."
I've never, ever played drums before in my life
outside of bang, crash, hehe hehe, they're loud. So,
the guitar dude plays, the bass plays, and I went with
it, and everyone was looking at me funny because it
was like I had played drums my whole life. My friends
were cheering me on because they knew I didn't know
how to play and were just shocked and giggly.
Then, someone hands me a guitar, and I've never played
rockabilly or country music, and I start playing a
song, and the 20 or so people that were in the garage
start dancing like crazy. I didn't know this until I
turned around to find my cigarettes.
Being depressed makes things like that so hazy. I
forget I'm so capable of so many things. But, my mind
is perpetually in this fog. Like I'm in a cage with no
key. I need out. Because I could lead an amazing life. I could take these words, take the pain I know, I've known and make something beautiful out of it. But, what that is, I can't see clear enough to make out that light at the end of the tunnel.
So, I'm taking steps, but I need to go to a
professional or something. I don't know what. And
until I start working a job with benefits, I don't
know that I can get in to do that. I'll just have to
wing it and fight for a good day now and again. I've been doing this for years, but I'm finally at the point where I can't hold a job anymore because I start drinking, I start missing work, I start leaving early because it just gets unbearable to be around other people that aren't looking at the world from your perspective.
I guess since I've been like this for so long, that
it's easy to act like I'm fine for the sake of
appearances, whatever. But, the whole time I was
driving to Cody, I was having these fantasies of
death. Maybe a semi will cross the line and hit me
head on. Maybe we'll blow a tire and go rolling off
the cliff. And from what I've read, that's almost a
good sign. It shows I don't have the will to do it
myself, but, I do want an end to the pain.
Oh, get this. I was reading up on the interpersonal relationships on children that were abandoned and I now know why I get so nuts when I feel my loved ones slipping. I finally know why when I was watching Jessica self destruct and slip away from me, why I was crying so much. I can't get into it because that would take about 3 more hours but that's finally clear to me. And, it's fine. That's been making me so thrilled all week to finally identify what's been wrong with my relationships. Never having been close with anyone, once you get close, and you start to feel them slipping away, it throws people like me into an awful emotional frenzy. It's hard to deal with, but now I can at least identify what's going on and try and gate some of the emotion.
I'm going to go see a movie or something. I've been
reading more books than I ever have before in my life
and it's so cathardic. Now and again, I crave a story
to be told to me in the most obvious , IE, a
movie. It's strange, I never watch tv anymore, I
haven't been drunk in weeks. I'm trying to clear my
head as best I can. And, it seems to be working.
Ok I'll shut up now,
Be good and have fun. Don't ever forget to just have
fun,
Love,
A dude