I have having a really hard time distinguishing days and nights.. the ways the time passes by...
I NEED to stop Partying everynite... getting drunks... smoking pot... popping pills...
my birthday sucked... Asphyxiia and Yessican and this dude (who Asphyxiia cheated on Yessican with) came up to my work and brought me a penis shaped cake....
later that nite i went to watch my friend Mike get a tattoo...
all the time i was thinking about love. okay... Asphyxiia said she loved me ..and cheated on me... then she did the same thing to Yessica.. does love mean anything anymore??? then i get depressed.. what if Cricket it doesnt the same thing.. what if my friends are...
so i ran away.... i went to the levy.. and i had my video camera with me.. i actually felt the need to die. i started slicing my leg open with the razor blade... over and over and over again... and video taping it.. i was planning on killing myself this way.. just keep cutting and cutting til i slowly bleed to the death.. the meanwhile documenting it. and tell everyone who has the chance to see it what EXACTLY was on my mine. ... anyways.. right B4 this.. i bought the cake to Asphyxiia's house.. and stabbed it with the knife and left a note "FUCK BIRTHDAYS" and then i changed my voice message to "I DONT CARE ABOUT BIRTHDAYS BECAUSE NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" and then i just sent everyone to voice mail....
anyways.. EVERYONE in the group was leaving me messages trying to get me to tell them where i was ... and i was upset too mostly because Cricket was at Travis's .....for the fucking weed.. he was TOO busy for me.. because of weed... its like.. the ONE person i wanted to spend my bday with.. was TOO BUSY for me. fuck it.
about an hour later... and over 400 slices later... Rosie, Cricket and Shance found me... then a little while later... Mike and Paul... and then Yessica.. Asphyxiia and Brad... Asphyxiia was furious.. and then i had a chance to talk to Yessica... i told her Asphyxiia cheated on her.. and that the reason i told her was that because if my friends knew that Cricket was cheating on me and didnt tell me ide be pissed.. so i had to tell her.. shes my friend too. and then she comfronted Asphyxiia ..who denied it.. and then she got in my car... yelled at me.. cuz she "told me in confidence" about brad... and then called me a piece od shit and trash.. and then slammed my door and left. (to this day.. she was to put me into alot of physical pain.)....
enuff of that....
saturday nite. i get drunk off my ass and stayed at Torri's house... (who Yessica now lives with ) and then sunday nite. i got depressed again.. and drank vodka... jack daniels and popped some Oxy Cotton.... then drove home...the next day. i couldnt move.. or walk... or do anything wihtout throwing up.. but there wasnt anythign to throw up... so i was throwing up blood.. i was so sick.. i could hardly breath.. my head was caving in.., i was slightly overdosing on it.. but i forced myself to do to work.. and i climbed into the bathroom and work.. curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and slept...
the next day i went to work.... i kept itching and scratching myself and shaking.. everything where i had cut myself i scratched and itched til i bled again...... but i was throwing up anymore..
then last nite... ugh. everyone lit up at midnite.. (420).. i didnt smoke anything. i just sat outside ... and then i got upset.. cuz all cricket cares about it weed.. and then i ran away over to Torris... and sat with her......
later on everyone was over there.....
and then i made up wiht Cricket...
got horney.. told somone to get me condoms or im going to rape a minor.. so rosie and shance got some.. and well.. me and Cricket had sex for the first time.
i honestly.. even tho he pisses me off i think im inlove with him.
I NEED to stop Partying everynite... getting drunks... smoking pot... popping pills...
my birthday sucked... Asphyxiia and Yessican and this dude (who Asphyxiia cheated on Yessican with) came up to my work and brought me a penis shaped cake....
later that nite i went to watch my friend Mike get a tattoo...
all the time i was thinking about love. okay... Asphyxiia said she loved me ..and cheated on me... then she did the same thing to Yessica.. does love mean anything anymore??? then i get depressed.. what if Cricket it doesnt the same thing.. what if my friends are...
so i ran away.... i went to the levy.. and i had my video camera with me.. i actually felt the need to die. i started slicing my leg open with the razor blade... over and over and over again... and video taping it.. i was planning on killing myself this way.. just keep cutting and cutting til i slowly bleed to the death.. the meanwhile documenting it. and tell everyone who has the chance to see it what EXACTLY was on my mine. ... anyways.. right B4 this.. i bought the cake to Asphyxiia's house.. and stabbed it with the knife and left a note "FUCK BIRTHDAYS" and then i changed my voice message to "I DONT CARE ABOUT BIRTHDAYS BECAUSE NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" and then i just sent everyone to voice mail....
anyways.. EVERYONE in the group was leaving me messages trying to get me to tell them where i was ... and i was upset too mostly because Cricket was at Travis's .....for the fucking weed.. he was TOO busy for me.. because of weed... its like.. the ONE person i wanted to spend my bday with.. was TOO BUSY for me. fuck it.
about an hour later... and over 400 slices later... Rosie, Cricket and Shance found me... then a little while later... Mike and Paul... and then Yessica.. Asphyxiia and Brad... Asphyxiia was furious.. and then i had a chance to talk to Yessica... i told her Asphyxiia cheated on her.. and that the reason i told her was that because if my friends knew that Cricket was cheating on me and didnt tell me ide be pissed.. so i had to tell her.. shes my friend too. and then she comfronted Asphyxiia ..who denied it.. and then she got in my car... yelled at me.. cuz she "told me in confidence" about brad... and then called me a piece od shit and trash.. and then slammed my door and left. (to this day.. she was to put me into alot of physical pain.)....
enuff of that....
saturday nite. i get drunk off my ass and stayed at Torri's house... (who Yessica now lives with ) and then sunday nite. i got depressed again.. and drank vodka... jack daniels and popped some Oxy Cotton.... then drove home...the next day. i couldnt move.. or walk... or do anything wihtout throwing up.. but there wasnt anythign to throw up... so i was throwing up blood.. i was so sick.. i could hardly breath.. my head was caving in.., i was slightly overdosing on it.. but i forced myself to do to work.. and i climbed into the bathroom and work.. curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and slept...
the next day i went to work.... i kept itching and scratching myself and shaking.. everything where i had cut myself i scratched and itched til i bled again...... but i was throwing up anymore..
then last nite... ugh. everyone lit up at midnite.. (420).. i didnt smoke anything. i just sat outside ... and then i got upset.. cuz all cricket cares about it weed.. and then i ran away over to Torris... and sat with her......
later on everyone was over there.....
and then i made up wiht Cricket...
got horney.. told somone to get me condoms or im going to rape a minor.. so rosie and shance got some.. and well.. me and Cricket had sex for the first time.
i honestly.. even tho he pisses me off i think im inlove with him.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
You seem to know what to do, quit drinking, smoking, having crazy sex and above all, quit the OxyContin. People can very easily die from that OC shit. Which in a way sort of proves that you don't really want to die, taking to many pills are way easier than cutting yourself.
I don't know if your friends love you or not. I'd say just on average, since you seem to have so many, that at least 1 or 2 must really care. It only makes sense. Though you can't really get yourself involved with other people's problems and dramas, you have enough to deal already.
Perhaps you aren't ready for a stable relationship, perhaps you need to work on yourself first. Perhaps I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But you seem like a beautiful person that has just been down for way too long. You might think about trying to get some help somewhere, from a pro or at least the friend you trust the most? To me, you sound like you have a lot of crap to deal with, a lot more than what's on the surface here.