alkatraz

Listening To (On continuous play) From Autumn To Ashes - "Autumns Monologue" :

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

Chorus:
I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

Chorus:
i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

~~~~~~~

I havnt really seen any of my friends in 3 days... for the last 3 nites there are parties at Travis's....i'm not invited... he tells me he'll call me later... but he never does...
Havnt seen LuciaFurr in a while either... she called me today.. and 5 minutes later i called her back.. no answer.. i left a message. then i called her house... her dad said he hadnt seen her in 2 days, and that shes with her girlfriend.............she not with me................. hmm.. Kyle is pissed at me cuz i dont wanna go to his house. he told me i needed some serious help, and that i need to find myself, or i will continue to be unhappy. .......... it hard to do stuff when you dont have support from your.. "friends".... I havnt seen Joe in over a month.... Kristi either.... some guy called me tonite while i was in the tub.. i called him back when i told him i would... he didnt answer.... Drew (girl pants boy) .. we were supposed to hang out tonite and actually get to know eachother... he called and said he parents wouldnt let him leave....

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last nite at work my boss gave me a pregnancy test.... it was just the test in a wrapper, no instuctions or anything... but i took it.......... there was a BRIGHT pink line............ she thought it meant i was pregnant... but she doesnt have the box anymore. I started screaming in the bathroom at work, then i screamed to my boss that i was going to shoot myself in the head...... the last thing i need ... a baby. i cant even fucking take care of myself, let alone another human being. ..but maybe i will have somthing... somone who loves me no matter what.. cuz... i'm his/her mom...........shit no.. thats crazy talk, i cant have a fucking baby. i will get an abortion if im pregnant..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Random people i dont know are asking me why i'm depressed... its like: ....long stories.. and short ones.. all ending up in this big mess in my head.. its not just one thing.. its many things, its an accumulation for bad shit.

I just found out that Travis told LuciaFurr everything him and i did that nite i was there til 7am. he doesnt want me to take anything we did the wrong way..... i told him flat out i had feelings for him, and that doesnt stuff with me will cause me to like him more... i told him.. "stop making me like you" soo many times... even on the way to his house we got to talking about sex, and i flat out told him didnt want to have sex with him because i actually liked him, and i knew for a fact that if we fucked...he wouldnt want to talk to me again...i know i wouldnt want to talk to him.. i know he would feel guilty about his...girlfriend hes stll kinda with..... i kept telling him.. "dont do anything that will make me like you more" but he just taunted me.. and continued doing stuff... he asked me to have sex with him.. but i didnt. when i am completely honest with people... and tell them how i feel, and what will happen if things happen... then should ATLEAST be fucking honest with me.. tell me their intentions, tell me how they feel about me, and tell not how i should be taking things.. so that i dont take them wrongly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually we all die.

which brings me back to my tattoo i want.... 'Por Nada' (for nothing) basically that way i see it: i am, life is, breathing is, crying is, loving is, hateing is, caring is, hoping is, wishing is,....every FUCKING thing IS... FOR FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no purpose. We are going to die.. the meaning of life is, we are breathing and struggling to stay alive is FOR NOTHING.. because we are all going to die and we all know that. we life this fucking life... posing and pretending... so people will like us. so we can impress them. its all a fucking lie, no one real, we are just in this big game of.. seeing who can come out on top before we dont exhists anymore, maybe we will make an impact for future generations. why help others when they didnt help up in the first place? so.. people will say what a good person you were at your funeral. even if they hate me. kids at school will go to a classmates funeral to just get out of class. i know because i have done it before. everyone ... basically is looking out for number 1. we are supposed to be the most organized and free country...everyone wants to come here cuz its soo great...but everyone hates eachother deep down. 90% of people wouldnt jump infront of a bullet for our president.....i'm babbleing now..... i dont know if i have a point.. besides that i am: FOR NOTHING.