alkatraz

I really really really fucking HATE myself.. i am officially a fucking slut!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last nite i stayed at my friend Kristi's house.. i was horny.. and drinking and stuff.. so i called this guy to come over.. its like.. b4 he even came it was like a plan to fuck him... just cuz.... well its not nice to blame others on your actions.. but i think that Drew..the girl pants boy.. fucked me up in the head. loss of self respect, and carlessness of what men to do my body.. its like.. even since i got raped though even.. the thought of me just laying there.. and a weird man i hardly know.. just doing things to my body.. and now.. im at 3 guys i fucked in 2 weeks.. all of them.. i have only seen a few times.. not nearly long enuff to KNOW them.. their goals and shit.. not even their last names. which sickens me most. not only that... no condoms... well anyways.. he came over.. kristi was sleeping in her bed. him and i were on the couch in the living room... watching porn. ( i was just asking for it then, huh) and he was like asking to see my nipple because he thinks nipple piercings are cool... so i showed him... and then it ended up being him.. sucking on my other nipple.. but i have no feelings in my nipples like if somone sucks on them and what not. so... then all of a sudden we started kissing.. making out... and like every other guy i make out with.. he starts shaking..and moaning a little... and moving on me and shit... and then hes like "you are the best kisser ever... your going to be the only person i want kiss for a long time" okay that WAS flattering.. then he was telling me i was beautful and stuff...then eventually.. we ended up.. upstairs in a bedroom.. and he started messing around with me... and yeah well we fucked.. just like a knew.. and yet again.... i DIDNT GET OFF FROM IT!!!!!!!! then like... after 2 hours of that shit.. it was like 5 am!!! and i had to get up at 8.. for work... he noticed the time.. and was like "shit i got to leave" and he looked at him hands and there was blood on them... and he left me there on the bed and went home.. and i like... looked down... and my thighs and crotch area... the silk sheets... covered in my blood... .. there were bloody hands prints.. it looked like a fucking crime scene...then i started crying... i was like "my friend is going to fucking kill me" so i spend the next 3 hours scrubbing at the sheets with a wash cloth and soap trying to get it out.. and then i rearranged the sheets and covered it up as best and covered it with the other sheet.. then put the crinkled comfertor on top of the bed where it was.. (cuz her other friends were sleeping the wrestling in the bed the nite b4 .. HOPFULLY she doesnt think it was me if she finds the mess) then i went and sat on the couch.. and at like 8 and left a went home.. got ready for work.. i was actally still drunk today when i went.. and i started getting a hang out at like 2 30, lol. yeah he e-mailed me today.. and it said "by the way, i had fun last nite " and i wrote back "by the way, my friend is going to kill me because of the blood, so call me, id u dont this is probobly the last time i will talk to you"....

i really hate myself but just sleeping with these men like this... its like.. unless i get a boyfriend this wont stop...and to my amazment.. all these men just willing to fuck me without really KNOWING ME..... its disgusting... but at the same time i was to brag about it.. then i step back and look at myself in the mirror and i was to rip that person apart.. the person who other people ...the way they have treated me over the years..have molded me into.. and now its like.. i am destroying that person ..by fucking these guys... but im hurting the good person in me... she breaking shes almost nothing anymore... and i'm told its not an excuse to blame others on myself... but i think if some events didnt occure. i would be a different person.. self loving.. guys treat me like meat.. now i am treating me like meat.. flauting... teasing.. letting them use me basically.. and i'm getting off on the that which disgusts me.. i want throw up when i think about it I need some advise.. therapy is too expensive.. i cant take pills again.. they will say im depressed and put me on Paxil again.. and i will go nuts!! AHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!