alistairmather

i suppose i have always believed in Kharma, not so much in the "what you do now will impact you in your next life's placement" sense so much as the "you have, are, and will experience many planes of existence and they will all impact on each other in various and interesting manners" sense (trust me, that makes sense in my head and can actually be explained rationally and intelligently if you ask). i believe this because of such things like coincidence, synchronicity, and the fact that there are just certain people that manage to catch my attention in a crowd and who despite my freakish and introverted nature still manage to associate with me and make me feel as if i have found something lost that i did not know was gone.
i just lost one of those people. she was wonderful and beautiful and full of a vitality that i have never possessed. she was nothing at all like me and yet she complemented me well. and now, like all the good things in my life, i have finally managed to drive her away. there is something i find utterly terrifying about happiness.
of course in retrospect, everyone looks perfect. she had her flaws, all things do - its what makes them so fascinating, but over all i think i fucked this one up pretty good. it sucks not being able to blame someone else.
anyway, this is a fairly depressing start isn't it. perhaps later i can regale you all with thoughts on the cosmos, theology, and life... but for right now i am going to go immerse myself in Alice's adventures', because it is so hard to be depressed in the face of her and her associates reasonings.