Good news! Ray’s eldest daughter Shauna finally unlocked her instagram page and now I can see her pictures again.I was signed in when I went to her page (stupid I know), but I didn’t click on any multis to see the other pictures. She would be able to see I had looked at them then and I do actually feel creepy. Not creepy for looking, or for looking a lot, but creepy for being found out. Well, more embarrassed than creepy. I’m not hurting anyone, I just want to be part of their lives. Actually, that’s not true. I don’t care if they live or die, I just want to be close to Ray.
Her pictures were nice, her kids in a wheelbarrow full of pumpkins, being thrown in the air by their big strong dad that kind of thing. It wasn’t really anything I couldn’t see on facebook but I was just so happy to be allowed behind the PRIVATE sign again. I feel giddy!
You’ll never guess what Lila has gone and done. She’s had lip fillers. I’m really disappointed. She didn’t seem like that type of girl. She’s got a natural beauty and a totally banging body. I don’t disapprove of cosmetic surgery, I’ve got Invisalign on my teeth right now and I’d get my cankles shrunk tomorrow if such a surgery existed and I had the funds. Lip fillers are kind of trashy though. I don’t want her going down that route. To be fair, she hasn’t had big frankfurter lips done. Her mouth does look fuller in a slightly unnatural way. I’m sure her dad must disapprove.
I wonder what mine and Ray’s kids would turn out like. Hopefully they’d have his drive and ambition and athleticism and my.. My what? Artistic nature, appreciation of books and beauty. And love of a disgusting joke.
I’ve never wanted kids. In daydreams it’s nice to think about but in reality I can’t think of anything worse. I don’t mind older kids, but toddlers turn my stomach. They can be cute but mostly I just tolerate them to appear human. When I’m out somewhere, like in a supermarket and there’s a baby that wont stop crying it really gets to me. It doesn’t even have to be near me but the noise really upsets me. It sets me on edge. Just a minute or two of it and I’m angry and really working up a head of steam. I couldn’t bear to be in the same room as it, even for a day, let alone day day for a year or two. When they cry and wont stop I don’t know what I would do. I cant even bear listening to someone else’s baby from a distance. If I was stuck at home with a baby I didn’t have a choice but to look after I would be one of those people that gets sent to prison for shaking them. I honestly think I would really hurt a baby.