I was disappointed I hadn't just run into him in the first place I went into. What would I do when I saw him anyway? There were pubs and bars wherever I looked. Shoppers sat outside having a drink before hitting the cinema after a day in town. Partiers just getting started on a big night out. Everyone looking for something. I felt lost.
I kept walking, scanning my eyes left to right taking note of everyone I saw. A bunch of lads were walking along the street towards me, singing a Stone Roses song. It wasn't my favourite but it was ok. I like the idea of the Stone Roses better than the reality, but it's not cool to admit that.
One of the lads dropped to his knees and held on to my jacket, still singing, 'Sometimes I-hi-hi...'
I stepped to the side, extricating myself from his grasp, still smiling, to show them I was in on the fun and sang along, 'fantasi-hi-hize,' and carried on down the street. I was unnerved by a strange man touching me like that, especially when I was alone and he was in a group. I could see he meant no harm but I didn't want anything to do with it. I had important things to do.
I left behind the creamy victorian buildings of St Patrick Street. Brendan was right, there were lots of old men's pubs in Cork. Places with stools at the bar and a tv on the wall permanently showing football. Curling photographs of men holding sporting trophies on the wall. The only women there were scary brown toothed middle aged women with their arms around each other.
I followed the general throng of people, trusting they would know where they were going. It's intimidating as a young woman walking into a pub on your own. I wouldn't have done it for anyone else but him. I wandered from bar to bar. Some I just stuck my head in the door, looked from left to right then headed out. In some places people stared at me, groups of girls glowered at me like I was an actual piece of shit, an imposter invading their territory. The playground pack mentality never goes away for some. In others men tried to talk to me and shout stuff about my body over the pumping music. In most places I walked round through hordes of swaying, immovable people. The zombie apocalypse will most likely begin with alcohol.
It was beginning to grow dark. The sky had yellow patches that were turning turquoise. The sun was setting. The metallic, shiny bar I found my self in was starting to empty out. I wanted to look like I was a confident young woman who knew what I was doing so I made sure my purse was still in my pocket, reapplied my raspberry tinted lip balm and followed the crowd out into the street.
They walked painfully slowly down the street, laughing and falling over each other, screaming unfunny jokes that somehow was meant to attract the opposite sex. I hadn't had any alcohol, just a lemonade I felt obligated to buy when a barman had spotted me wandering around and pointedly asked me if I wanted anything.
I hovered on the edge of groups of pubgoers, not trying to join them but not trying to stand out as being on my own either. A girl in a zebra stripe fake fur coat and a heady perfume I could smell ten feet away let out a whoop as we turned a corner and the sleek black doors of a nightclub came into view. A queue of people had formed outside already and I scanned it eagerly but to no avail. I joined the queue and slumped against the wall, waiting my turn.
The club was next door to a rather sober looking boys outfitters. The doors were a classy smoked black glass,but above that the stonework was painted yellow which struck me as a bit tacky. Nightclubs are supposed to be a bit garish I suppose. The queue moved forward. I was about to walk in but the bouncer on the door held up his hand in a 'wait there a minute' gesture. My guts froze. I wasn't eighteen. I didn't have ID. I had to get into this club.
A stocky man with flecks of grey on his unshaven chin who had been thrown on the scrapheap of life slowly eyed me up and down. 'What's your name, love?' he asked.
'Khalilah,' I said flatly. I could feel sweat pricking under my arms.
'Yeah? Not seen many girls like you round here,' he said.
'I'm not from round here. I'm just here for the summer,' I replied coolly.
'Right so.' He nodded thoughtfully. 'Give us a twirl and I'll let you in.'
'Give you a..' He saw the indignant look on my face.
'Oh you wont be wanting to come in then. Shame.' He nudged his mate next to him in the belly.
'Wait!' I said. 'A twirl you want? No problem.' I stood on my tiptoes and spun in the prettiest circle I could.
'Woah would you look at that, Cathal!' the bouncer roared, him and his mate leaning into one another with laughter. 'We've got a little ballerina! Sure we've got to let her into the club. I've got to see her on the dancefloor.'
My face was burning with rage and embarrassment. 'So I can go in?'
'Of course you can love,' said the bouncer. I let out a sigh or relief and headed for the doors.
'Juuust give me a little kiss first, there's a good girl.'
I froze on the spot. 'You want a kiss. Are you.. Do you...'
'A little kiss. Ladies get in here for free, gents have to pay, that's hardly fair now is it?' he said, arching an eyebrow.
There was a pause and I realised he was waiting for an answer. 'I suppose not,' I muttered.
'So, you give me a little kiss and you can hop and skip through those doors and have the night of your life, princess.'
'I'm not.. What sort of kiss?' I hissed, trying to maintain a conciliatory tone.
'Oh I'm not a creep missy, I'm insulted you'd think such a thing. I'm here to protect the patrons of this club. Just you come close and give me a nice peck on the cheek. That's all I have these days to keep me going you see.' Cathal wheezed next to him like a cartoon side kick.
I pondered for a moment, weighing up my options. I bit the inside of my cheek. I wanted to get inside the club.
I took a step forward then stopped.
'That's it missy, over you come. I'm waiting for you,' said the bouncer.
I stood perfectly still for what seemed like forever. Then before I knew what I was doing I had covered the space between, stood on my toes again and placed a kiss on his waiting cheek.
I turned and ran towards the club doors, with the sound of Cathal and the bouncer howling with laughter behind me.
I pushed my way through the door and ran up a small flight of stairs into the dark main room of the nightclub. I quickly glanced around for the loos and headed straight for them. I went into the busy ladies toilets and found an empty cubicle. I pulled my shorts and pants down and sat on the toilet. I relaxed and let out a long stream of pee. Few things feel better than a nice pee. My heart slowed down after a while, I stopped feeling pinpricks of sweat on my back and I got my breathing under control. The air in the ladies toilets was a fug of hairspray and several different perfumes. I felt such rage and fear at those absolute pricks working the door.
I stayed sat on the toilet for a while until I felt better. Women were cackling and laughing outside, I heard someone complaining about a boyfriend who she suspected was cheating. Her voice was cracking. There was loud music coming from the dancefloor behind us. I smothered a giggle. I'm in a nightclub. I've never been in a nightclub before and here I am. I just walked right in, more or less. I felt pretty certain the jig would be up soon, and somebody would send me home to do my homework. But I'd left school now too, I couldn't go back if I'd wanted to. My life was stretching out ahead of me, an endless unfolding of possibilities like origami in reverse.
I got up off the toilet. If I sat there too long I'd have the indentation of the toilet seat on the backs of my thighs and in shorts that is not a good look. I squeezed in at the sink and washed my hands. Lots of girls were stood there touching up their make up and dousing themselves with more layers of hairspray and perfume.
My hair was a bit windswept and the girl next to me was fixing hers. I asked if I could borrow her hair brush. She looked at me with glassy eyes and smiled. 'Sure!' she said brightly, slapping the brush into my outstretched palm. I fumbled in my pocket and found a half eaten packet of Polo mints. I proffered the packet to her and she gratefully accepted one and gave me a hug. I hugged her back and enjoyed this crazy warm bonding moment. I tidied my hair and slid her brush into her open handbag aa she was already deep in conversation with the girl at the sink on the other side of her.
I left the toilets and headed back out into the nightclub. It was called Taboo. It had a black and white checked floor with mirror balls on the ceiling above the bar. The bar was done in an art deco style and actually looked pretty decent. I was feeling pretty good and decided I wanted to dance. The dance floor was half full but I have never needed a crowd to hide in to dance. Moving my body is what feels most natural to me and how I find my place in the world.
I danced on my own, enjoying the freedom of movement and the music vibrating through my chest. I got a few bitchy stares from girls but I closed my eyes and ignored them and just let my body connect with the music. It was current pop and soul with a bit of house thrown in. Not really what I'd listen to at home, but just right for a dancefloor.
I spent about half and hour just enjoying myself, physically feeling the music, letting it move me, feeling the lights and the nighttime and freedom an finally being young. My face was glowing with sweat and my hair was sticking to my neck. I was uncomfortably hot. I went to the bar and bought a fizzy orange drink. I've never really cared about alcohol.
I felt happy and alive. I cooled down sipping my drink, complete with green straw and umbrella. I felt a bit self conscious again. I could lose myself in dance, but now everyone could see me again. I was here on my own. I was feeling like a target so I went for a walk around the club. It was on two floors. On the upper floor it was some sort of happy hardcore oomcha oomcha oomcha oomcha music that hurt my ears and people in brightly coloured hoodies were hopping from foot to foot and waving their hands about manically. I backed away.
In the main room I had just come from were low mustard yellow couches with tables inbetween forming booths around the edge of the room. I would have liked to have a sit down but didn't know anyone and didn't have the confidence to intrude. I continued to walk around the room looking like I knew what I was doing. My drink was nice and cold and gave me something to do with my hands.
I was idly watching people on the dancefloor as I strolled around. I looked up as I was approaching the bar again. There was a queue about five deep. I had just suck a mouthful of my drink up the straw when I immediately spat it back out.
He was there.
Standing at the back of the queue. I had stopped walking without even realising it. People were jostling me.
He was wearing a jeans and a white shirt with thin black and red stripes. I didn't really like it, but I didn't care. There he was, only a few feet away from me. This is what I was here for.
I put my drink down on someone's table. I put one foot in front of the other. I didn't even give myself time to think.
I was behind him.
My intestines felt like balloon animals. Before I could let myself reconsider, I tapped him on the left shoulder.
He spun round, his black brows furrowed. He saw me and his face softened.
'I've been looking for you.'