last tuesday was such good day. i'm too pessimistic a person to have very many days i really enjoy. i should have known better....
a rapidly slow progression into a mostly self inflicted pity party.
1. workshop at school with ernie gehr. 10 or so students including myself are given 24 rolls of kodak 16mm color neg that we don't have to buy or pay for lab fees. i hardly shoot a thing cuz i'm not good at shooting stuff on the spot. we screen the footage today on 5 screens in the theatre and it's painfully long.
2. i go to kodak last friday and buy 5 rolls of 16mm. i shoot one roll of color reversal on saturday for a project i've been obsessing about. i hand process the film with the e6 kit and the whole film comes out blue. with image, but all blue. strange. it was daylight film and it was shot outdoors. i haven't projected it yet, but hopefully it looks interesting.
3. sleep is something that i must rediscover. i slept for 3 hours last night before rushing to school. i'm only 5 miles from home when i realize that i left the c-stand that i checked out on friday (and was due back today) at home, so i turn around, thus making myself even later for school.
4. i get back on the freeway, cruising at 77mph. there is a car in front of me going at least 85mph, but the sirens behind me are riding my ass instead of his. the cop is a complete prick to me once he pulls me over, even though i don't bother arguing with him. i just finished paying off a much more deserved speeding ticket last month from a year ago. fuck you, police of glendale. go eat your own cocks.
5. friday through sunday night really left me with an incredibly happy feeling about school. i'm amazingly happy being where i am and being surrounded by (most of) the people that are there. but for some reason i find myself miserable more often than i'd like. i think it's because i put way too much pressure on myself.
6. i have to finish all my work for the semester within the next 2 weeks. after spring break i don't have any free weekends. my self doubt of my abilities in being this girl's dp for her thesis project is consuming me.
7. i'm going home next week for my best friend's birthday, a visit with mom, and to shoot some film for another project that i have been obsessing over. these are all good things, but i might have to ask my mom to send me a little more extra cash so i can afford all that gas and all these film supplies that i need. i hate asking mom for more money.
8. i've been feeling like a beached whale lately. i can't eat right or move around enough in part due to my schedule and in part due to my own fault.
9. outside of friends from school, i've been feeling lonely the past few days. i realized that there are very few people that i talk to that i don't also go to school with, and two of those very few people live 350 miles away.
10. even though i am eternally plagued by my lack of seeing all of the good, i am even more aggrivated by those that cannot and/or refuse to see the bad.
11. i am extremely annoyed by my own negativity and my inability to be completely satisfied for more than one day in succession. my journal here is really only used for me to list things that piss me off, which ultimately makes me more annoyed. i have it better than a lot of people, or at least the same as a lot of people.... fuck. whatever. i like to complain.
if you actually read this entire entry, you must have the patience that i lack. please send some this way.
a rapidly slow progression into a mostly self inflicted pity party.
1. workshop at school with ernie gehr. 10 or so students including myself are given 24 rolls of kodak 16mm color neg that we don't have to buy or pay for lab fees. i hardly shoot a thing cuz i'm not good at shooting stuff on the spot. we screen the footage today on 5 screens in the theatre and it's painfully long.
2. i go to kodak last friday and buy 5 rolls of 16mm. i shoot one roll of color reversal on saturday for a project i've been obsessing about. i hand process the film with the e6 kit and the whole film comes out blue. with image, but all blue. strange. it was daylight film and it was shot outdoors. i haven't projected it yet, but hopefully it looks interesting.
3. sleep is something that i must rediscover. i slept for 3 hours last night before rushing to school. i'm only 5 miles from home when i realize that i left the c-stand that i checked out on friday (and was due back today) at home, so i turn around, thus making myself even later for school.
4. i get back on the freeway, cruising at 77mph. there is a car in front of me going at least 85mph, but the sirens behind me are riding my ass instead of his. the cop is a complete prick to me once he pulls me over, even though i don't bother arguing with him. i just finished paying off a much more deserved speeding ticket last month from a year ago. fuck you, police of glendale. go eat your own cocks.
5. friday through sunday night really left me with an incredibly happy feeling about school. i'm amazingly happy being where i am and being surrounded by (most of) the people that are there. but for some reason i find myself miserable more often than i'd like. i think it's because i put way too much pressure on myself.
6. i have to finish all my work for the semester within the next 2 weeks. after spring break i don't have any free weekends. my self doubt of my abilities in being this girl's dp for her thesis project is consuming me.
7. i'm going home next week for my best friend's birthday, a visit with mom, and to shoot some film for another project that i have been obsessing over. these are all good things, but i might have to ask my mom to send me a little more extra cash so i can afford all that gas and all these film supplies that i need. i hate asking mom for more money.
8. i've been feeling like a beached whale lately. i can't eat right or move around enough in part due to my schedule and in part due to my own fault.
9. outside of friends from school, i've been feeling lonely the past few days. i realized that there are very few people that i talk to that i don't also go to school with, and two of those very few people live 350 miles away.
10. even though i am eternally plagued by my lack of seeing all of the good, i am even more aggrivated by those that cannot and/or refuse to see the bad.
11. i am extremely annoyed by my own negativity and my inability to be completely satisfied for more than one day in succession. my journal here is really only used for me to list things that piss me off, which ultimately makes me more annoyed. i have it better than a lot of people, or at least the same as a lot of people.... fuck. whatever. i like to complain.
if you actually read this entire entry, you must have the patience that i lack. please send some this way.
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
I made your crush list! Oh girl,
[Edited on Mar 26, 2004 5:42AM]
you were one of the reasons i joined like a year and a half ago and i haven't checked up on you in awhile. you're right, you have taken a bit of a pessimistic turn, but, surely, it's fleeting.
speaking of sleep deprivation, i've been up for like 19 hours and i'm running on 2 hours of sleep. i think it's time for me to croak.
i hope you really dig the film thing, it seems like fun... i might go to skool once i move to LA this fall. i'll be going for audio recording tho. i like it lots...
soak up the sunshine, both physically and mentallly... that's something i wish i could absorb more of here in chicago. i wish you the best.