Blaine vs. Angel - and the state of American magic.
by Robley McDonnell
As I'm sure most of you are well aware (but would probably feign ingnorance of) David Blaine recently totally fucking blew it in New York while being really wet or something. I don't know what the point of all of it was, but the end result is what's important to me. He's a failure.
I mean, he's a magician, right? Since when is holding your breath underwater a magic trick? Since never, that's when. Baloney is not magic. Dolphins can hold their breath for like a half hour or something. I don't know and I refuse to look it up. Here's my line of thinking: Humans are smarter than dolphins. David Blane is a human. Dolphins can hold their breath longer than David Blaine. Dolphins are smarter than David Blaine. David Blaine is half-retarded. It makes perfect sense.
It's not that I hate what he does (I really do hate what he does - not just this recent bullshit), it's just that the guy's supposed to be a damn magician. Standing on a pole for a few days, basically taking a real long bath and then trying to hold your breath, "freezing" himself (he totally didn't even freeze himself, he just stood really close to some ice), being buried alive (there was no dirt on top so he was just laying in a hole), and living in a plexi-glass box for a month are NOT FUCKING MAGIC TRICKS. They're college pranks from the 1920's.
Do all those things, then pull a quarter out of my ear. Then you can consider them magic tricks. Until then, you're just an asshole with mummy hands. (Holy shit did you see those things? It seriously made me hate him more.) I did enjoy the plexi-glass box, though, because people in London were so goddamn mean to him the whole time, shooting him with paint balls and using remote-controlled helicopters to fly hamburgers up in his face. All up in his face.
Apparently for his next "magic trick," he wants to live in the jungle with some beasts. Yeah, beasts. I seriously cannot wait to see David Blaine: Mauled by Apes. I'd really like to see that, even though it still doesn't make him a magician. You're no Criss Angel, Mr. Blaine. Not by a long shot.
I was first introduced to Criss Angel because I had cable and aboslutely loved watching Intervention. God, what a great show. I felt like the best guy on earth after watching that. Criss Angel was on directly afterwards, and for a while I thought he was Paul Stanley trying to do some post-KISS revival. If any one of you has ever seen the opening of MindFreak and had the audacity to change the channel, then your heart is a shriveled black lump. It's a magician whose favorite movie is obviously The Crow, and there is absolutely nothing not to like about that. It was in watching this show that I developed the secret notion that magic is actually interesting. I didn't say I wanted to do it, or thought it was awesome or anything, okay? I said it was interesting. He was constantly guessing cards and making people's genitals disappear or whatever he was doing, and very rarely would he do bullshit things and pass them off as magic. However, he did jam some big hooks in his back and get flown around the desert attatched to a helicopter. That's not magic, Criss Angel, that's just gross.
He's also an award-winner. I know this because I'm looking at his web site (then immediately clearing my internet history so nobody knows I went to crissangel.com). He's a three-time winner of the Merlin Award. I have no idea what that is. It's probably safe to assume that it's on par with "World's Greatest Grandpa" or something similar, but hey, good going Criss Angel! What the hell did you ever win, David Blaine? A monotone voice and the hands and feet of a soggy, longtime foe of Cap'n Crunch?
I feel as if I am only adding fuel to the fire between Criss Angel and David Blaine. The fact of the matter is, they have a long-standing rivalry. Criss Angel has gone on record saying David Blaine is a fat bitch. He didn't really say anything about him being either fat or a bitch, but he did challenge him saying he would appear on any live program with David Blaine, donate all of his proceeds to charity, and match any illusion, stunt, or trick Blaine did. He then added that if Blaine could do anything he couldn't, Criss would "retire on the spot."
Whoa. Just stop right there. Let's not get crazy. Did we not learn anything from Biggie and Tupac? Live by the wand, die by the wand. We don't need to stir up the old New York vs. Las Vegas, East vs. West, is this your card vs. looks like you've got dirty ears because I just found a quarter in there magic feuds of yore. Enough is enough. Use your influence on unpopular children and socially inept older people for good. Take a page out of David Copperfield's book: Use your position and magical prowess for acts of cowardice, not boisterous claims of superiority.
In April of this year, while doing some shows in West Palm Beach, Fl., Mr. Copperfield and two of his lovely assistants (which they are apt to be called) were robbed at gunpoint. When the assailant demanded cell phones, money and jewelry, Mr. Copperfield used magic, or whatever, to hide all of his possessions so they couldn't be stolen. He only did this with his items though, leaving his assistants to give up their loot. Afterwards he could be heard to say "Tough shit, bitches," then disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Why start what is sure to be a bloody feud, Criss Angel and David Blaine, when you could let your employees get robbed and spend your time banging supermodels? I offer to mediate between the two parties until we can reach the logical conclusions that both of them are absolutely fucking ridiculous, and GOB Bluth is the best magician to ever live.
-from MURMUR
by Robley McDonnell
As I'm sure most of you are well aware (but would probably feign ingnorance of) David Blaine recently totally fucking blew it in New York while being really wet or something. I don't know what the point of all of it was, but the end result is what's important to me. He's a failure.
I mean, he's a magician, right? Since when is holding your breath underwater a magic trick? Since never, that's when. Baloney is not magic. Dolphins can hold their breath for like a half hour or something. I don't know and I refuse to look it up. Here's my line of thinking: Humans are smarter than dolphins. David Blane is a human. Dolphins can hold their breath longer than David Blaine. Dolphins are smarter than David Blaine. David Blaine is half-retarded. It makes perfect sense.
It's not that I hate what he does (I really do hate what he does - not just this recent bullshit), it's just that the guy's supposed to be a damn magician. Standing on a pole for a few days, basically taking a real long bath and then trying to hold your breath, "freezing" himself (he totally didn't even freeze himself, he just stood really close to some ice), being buried alive (there was no dirt on top so he was just laying in a hole), and living in a plexi-glass box for a month are NOT FUCKING MAGIC TRICKS. They're college pranks from the 1920's.
Do all those things, then pull a quarter out of my ear. Then you can consider them magic tricks. Until then, you're just an asshole with mummy hands. (Holy shit did you see those things? It seriously made me hate him more.) I did enjoy the plexi-glass box, though, because people in London were so goddamn mean to him the whole time, shooting him with paint balls and using remote-controlled helicopters to fly hamburgers up in his face. All up in his face.
Apparently for his next "magic trick," he wants to live in the jungle with some beasts. Yeah, beasts. I seriously cannot wait to see David Blaine: Mauled by Apes. I'd really like to see that, even though it still doesn't make him a magician. You're no Criss Angel, Mr. Blaine. Not by a long shot.
I was first introduced to Criss Angel because I had cable and aboslutely loved watching Intervention. God, what a great show. I felt like the best guy on earth after watching that. Criss Angel was on directly afterwards, and for a while I thought he was Paul Stanley trying to do some post-KISS revival. If any one of you has ever seen the opening of MindFreak and had the audacity to change the channel, then your heart is a shriveled black lump. It's a magician whose favorite movie is obviously The Crow, and there is absolutely nothing not to like about that. It was in watching this show that I developed the secret notion that magic is actually interesting. I didn't say I wanted to do it, or thought it was awesome or anything, okay? I said it was interesting. He was constantly guessing cards and making people's genitals disappear or whatever he was doing, and very rarely would he do bullshit things and pass them off as magic. However, he did jam some big hooks in his back and get flown around the desert attatched to a helicopter. That's not magic, Criss Angel, that's just gross.
He's also an award-winner. I know this because I'm looking at his web site (then immediately clearing my internet history so nobody knows I went to crissangel.com). He's a three-time winner of the Merlin Award. I have no idea what that is. It's probably safe to assume that it's on par with "World's Greatest Grandpa" or something similar, but hey, good going Criss Angel! What the hell did you ever win, David Blaine? A monotone voice and the hands and feet of a soggy, longtime foe of Cap'n Crunch?
I feel as if I am only adding fuel to the fire between Criss Angel and David Blaine. The fact of the matter is, they have a long-standing rivalry. Criss Angel has gone on record saying David Blaine is a fat bitch. He didn't really say anything about him being either fat or a bitch, but he did challenge him saying he would appear on any live program with David Blaine, donate all of his proceeds to charity, and match any illusion, stunt, or trick Blaine did. He then added that if Blaine could do anything he couldn't, Criss would "retire on the spot."
Whoa. Just stop right there. Let's not get crazy. Did we not learn anything from Biggie and Tupac? Live by the wand, die by the wand. We don't need to stir up the old New York vs. Las Vegas, East vs. West, is this your card vs. looks like you've got dirty ears because I just found a quarter in there magic feuds of yore. Enough is enough. Use your influence on unpopular children and socially inept older people for good. Take a page out of David Copperfield's book: Use your position and magical prowess for acts of cowardice, not boisterous claims of superiority.
In April of this year, while doing some shows in West Palm Beach, Fl., Mr. Copperfield and two of his lovely assistants (which they are apt to be called) were robbed at gunpoint. When the assailant demanded cell phones, money and jewelry, Mr. Copperfield used magic, or whatever, to hide all of his possessions so they couldn't be stolen. He only did this with his items though, leaving his assistants to give up their loot. Afterwards he could be heard to say "Tough shit, bitches," then disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Why start what is sure to be a bloody feud, Criss Angel and David Blaine, when you could let your employees get robbed and spend your time banging supermodels? I offer to mediate between the two parties until we can reach the logical conclusions that both of them are absolutely fucking ridiculous, and GOB Bluth is the best magician to ever live.
-from MURMUR
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I was laughing yesterday when Paul Sherwin was "looking for Harry Potter in his cloak", speaking of McEwen hiding in the sprint
Chris Kringle...i mean, angel...mind freak. Yeah, I must admit...its mind-boggling
I wish I could spend a week in Florida right now.....ok, maybe its hot, but at least i would see the ocean