Been 2 weeks at the parents again. Ready to go home. My nephew is so cute, but he is huge for a 5month old.
Things have been hard lately. Was clean since September last year. Nearly made a year.
I wrote this when I failed;
It suprised me how quickly I picked it all up again. Though, I imagine its somewhat like riding a bike, you can go years without it but you never really forget. In the back of your head you feel like they are watching closer for the signs this time. I have an insatiable ego, I like to believe that I matter enough for people to pay attention to me. Is it wrong to feel comfort in dillusions of grandieur? Really, im nothing special. Every story has a hero, a villain, struggle, overcoming struggle, suspense, misery, joy...all that shite. This story's no different. Im no hero. I have no profound message. I believe I feed my ego when I act out these scenario's, planning every response and outcome. Its this ultimate need for control. I need to control things. Predicting people reactions and manipulating them into self fulfilling prophecy's. If you tell me that I will be ok if I do this, or that, I purposely do the opposite, consciously, unconsciously, who knows. Why? Because it is control. I have been driven to this point of almost insanity by this insatiable need to control everything in my life. I stay awake for days and weeks on end because I am in control of my life. I fill my body with filth because I am in control of my life. I throw myself around my hole of an existence because I am in control of my life.
This wasnt freedom. This was prison. Self imprisonment. A slave to my own egotistical, drug-fuelled, dillusions of grandieur. I watch films about crazy people because they make me feel like I am not as crazy as them. When in reality, its not quite so close to the truth. But, all good things must come to an end, and I slowly await the fallout from this little reprise. The saddest thing will be the looks on their faces. The disapointment always kills me. No matter how much they try to hide it, its like something of me dies in each one of them. And I know that I will never be part of that world with them anymore. When you choose, as I did, to let life get on top of you and succumb to your weaknesses. For whatever reason, each as good or bad as the next. No excuse or reason too much better or worse then another.
I just dont want to see the look in my mothers eyes when all the hardwork she has put into raising me comes cascading down her cheeks and her hopes and dreams for me come crashing with them. But not just hers, mine, my family, my friends, all of them. I could give a hundred reasons why it turned out like this. Some, more convincing then others. But the end result is the same. So now we wait... patiently...for the chapter to finish and the consequences to reveal themselves. Its all rather like a childhood adventure, jumping on the bed, just wanting to read the last chapter, so that we know it all turns out ok in the end. But im no hero. And this book is still being written.
Addiction is such a dirty word.
I love my friends, so queercore.
Burlesque theme Ball (Prom) this weekend. Think I'll go androgynous.
Anyone else feel like an Ashtray Veteran?
Someone once asked me what my earliest memory was. This made me think...how could I even remotely accurately judge what might be considered my 'earliest' memory (based on age at the time). And now that I think of it, I had no concept of time until I was about 6. So anything that I remember before that age has no definition of time and it makes it practically impossible to gauge a) what exact age I was when any one thing happened, or b) how long any one event lasted. Im not sure who it was who asked me, but im glad they did because it gaveme something to think about for a while.
Flying home on thursday. Scared of heights. Hope I get an isle seat.
I've been trying to write a soundtrack to my life. What would be your song for right now?
if you want to hear some : Alexis K
I need inspiration, want your voice in a song? want me to try make a song for you? just tell me a few favourite songs of yours that inspire you. At the least, it will take my mind off things and distract me. Thats a good thing!
Luv Ally xXx
Things have been hard lately. Was clean since September last year. Nearly made a year.
I wrote this when I failed;
It suprised me how quickly I picked it all up again. Though, I imagine its somewhat like riding a bike, you can go years without it but you never really forget. In the back of your head you feel like they are watching closer for the signs this time. I have an insatiable ego, I like to believe that I matter enough for people to pay attention to me. Is it wrong to feel comfort in dillusions of grandieur? Really, im nothing special. Every story has a hero, a villain, struggle, overcoming struggle, suspense, misery, joy...all that shite. This story's no different. Im no hero. I have no profound message. I believe I feed my ego when I act out these scenario's, planning every response and outcome. Its this ultimate need for control. I need to control things. Predicting people reactions and manipulating them into self fulfilling prophecy's. If you tell me that I will be ok if I do this, or that, I purposely do the opposite, consciously, unconsciously, who knows. Why? Because it is control. I have been driven to this point of almost insanity by this insatiable need to control everything in my life. I stay awake for days and weeks on end because I am in control of my life. I fill my body with filth because I am in control of my life. I throw myself around my hole of an existence because I am in control of my life.
This wasnt freedom. This was prison. Self imprisonment. A slave to my own egotistical, drug-fuelled, dillusions of grandieur. I watch films about crazy people because they make me feel like I am not as crazy as them. When in reality, its not quite so close to the truth. But, all good things must come to an end, and I slowly await the fallout from this little reprise. The saddest thing will be the looks on their faces. The disapointment always kills me. No matter how much they try to hide it, its like something of me dies in each one of them. And I know that I will never be part of that world with them anymore. When you choose, as I did, to let life get on top of you and succumb to your weaknesses. For whatever reason, each as good or bad as the next. No excuse or reason too much better or worse then another.
I just dont want to see the look in my mothers eyes when all the hardwork she has put into raising me comes cascading down her cheeks and her hopes and dreams for me come crashing with them. But not just hers, mine, my family, my friends, all of them. I could give a hundred reasons why it turned out like this. Some, more convincing then others. But the end result is the same. So now we wait... patiently...for the chapter to finish and the consequences to reveal themselves. Its all rather like a childhood adventure, jumping on the bed, just wanting to read the last chapter, so that we know it all turns out ok in the end. But im no hero. And this book is still being written.
Addiction is such a dirty word.
I love my friends, so queercore.
Burlesque theme Ball (Prom) this weekend. Think I'll go androgynous.
Anyone else feel like an Ashtray Veteran?
Someone once asked me what my earliest memory was. This made me think...how could I even remotely accurately judge what might be considered my 'earliest' memory (based on age at the time). And now that I think of it, I had no concept of time until I was about 6. So anything that I remember before that age has no definition of time and it makes it practically impossible to gauge a) what exact age I was when any one thing happened, or b) how long any one event lasted. Im not sure who it was who asked me, but im glad they did because it gaveme something to think about for a while.
Flying home on thursday. Scared of heights. Hope I get an isle seat.
I've been trying to write a soundtrack to my life. What would be your song for right now?
if you want to hear some : Alexis K
I need inspiration, want your voice in a song? want me to try make a song for you? just tell me a few favourite songs of yours that inspire you. At the least, it will take my mind off things and distract me. Thats a good thing!
Luv Ally xXx