alethelion

I have never been one to brood on the dark and evil things of the world since i have been a source of several of them do to the choices I have made and the deep thoughts that have led to said choices. I have lost a woman who I loved deeply because I'm one who broods more than speaks. Come to the realization that I have few friends and this is mainly do to the fact that I'm a mean fucking asshole. I can be charming and witty when it serves my needs. I have come to realize that my life has little to no meaning and I'm always alone. It never really bothered me until recently which is weird. Guess I never really thought about it until I lost the one thing that I never really wanted to lose. I try to help people but my help always seems to come across as wrong and ill needed at the time. And it seems that when I need the help in return no one is ever there and if they are its with harsh words of truth yes but sometimes a kind word mixed in or just being there to listen with out judgement is all that's needed. Lately everyone seems to want to smash apart all of my decisions good or bad. I try and reconcile my mistakes and get a cold shoulder in return. I know I've made some bad decisions lately but that doesn't give everyone I know the right to attack them and make me feel worse than I already do for them. Shit being a man who has rarely cried in his life its seemed to happen alot lately especially in the last two weeks. I was raised that men don't cry we hold it all in all stoic like. This has been what I have always striven for and in my 28 years I've done a really good job of it. This also means that I don't talk about how I feel and recently when I opened up about my past has been the biggest mistake I have ever made it seems. In the time I've been alive I've never really talked about my past and now I really know why I haven't. Its been used as nothing but a weapon against me. I can take alot of things but I don't like the idea of the things I've survived and done being used against me. For the moment life is horrible I know I will live through it but I don't think I've ever been so down in my life.