lonely
i've been missing things lately.
my aunt, the person who could really understand me. it's been over a year since she died, and yet every time i think about her, i start to cry. i'm not a "cry" type of girl. it's not a common thing. i once went a year without crying, just because. she was hardly around when i was little, mostly because she spent 8 months out of the year in Morrocco. i got used to not having her around. i guess im still waiting for her to show up and it for all to be a big joke. her husband wants me to come over to their apartment and take some things of hers. sentimental things, things from morrocco and other places she went. i dont know if i can bring myself to go to their apartment. i havent been there since the afternoon after her funeral. it always had the antique/thrift store smell. i loved that about her apartment. the 16th floor of the highest building in portland. you could see everything, from the Back Bay to Casco Bay. when i was little she'd let me and my friend go across the street to the park in front of the courthouse to feed the pigeons. she'd take us thrift store hunting for treasures. i always ended up with something completely obscure (my favorite purchase was an odd format camera, i think it took 5x5s. i think i still have the pictures of my cat's nose and the blurry front yard some where). there are a couple of things i want from her place. a stuffed camel, and maybe the picture of her standing in front of the pyramids at giza when she was about my age (her first trip to africa). i dont know.
i feel really down on myself. i think im getting fat(ter). i dont think im attractive. at all. in fact, i find that there is very little about myself that i like right now. im coming to grips with some of the things that ive done. honestly, i couldnt imagine me trying to find interest in a person who has done some of the things i've done. i know that what i did is not truly who i am, and they dont reflect upon me. i started to have an anxiety attack today. i started thinking about things. i could feel my chest tightening, and i stopped it. im proud of the fact that im gaining some control over it by myself.
im going to cuddle with cats.
i've been missing things lately.
my aunt, the person who could really understand me. it's been over a year since she died, and yet every time i think about her, i start to cry. i'm not a "cry" type of girl. it's not a common thing. i once went a year without crying, just because. she was hardly around when i was little, mostly because she spent 8 months out of the year in Morrocco. i got used to not having her around. i guess im still waiting for her to show up and it for all to be a big joke. her husband wants me to come over to their apartment and take some things of hers. sentimental things, things from morrocco and other places she went. i dont know if i can bring myself to go to their apartment. i havent been there since the afternoon after her funeral. it always had the antique/thrift store smell. i loved that about her apartment. the 16th floor of the highest building in portland. you could see everything, from the Back Bay to Casco Bay. when i was little she'd let me and my friend go across the street to the park in front of the courthouse to feed the pigeons. she'd take us thrift store hunting for treasures. i always ended up with something completely obscure (my favorite purchase was an odd format camera, i think it took 5x5s. i think i still have the pictures of my cat's nose and the blurry front yard some where). there are a couple of things i want from her place. a stuffed camel, and maybe the picture of her standing in front of the pyramids at giza when she was about my age (her first trip to africa). i dont know.
i feel really down on myself. i think im getting fat(ter). i dont think im attractive. at all. in fact, i find that there is very little about myself that i like right now. im coming to grips with some of the things that ive done. honestly, i couldnt imagine me trying to find interest in a person who has done some of the things i've done. i know that what i did is not truly who i am, and they dont reflect upon me. i started to have an anxiety attack today. i started thinking about things. i could feel my chest tightening, and i stopped it. im proud of the fact that im gaining some control over it by myself.
im going to cuddle with cats.
you gotta be a little easier on yourself....
you are absolutely gorgeous and the past is just that...the past. its called that for a reason.
getting it outside of you, even just verbally, is often a first step to getting rid of the burden of crap like that.
i am here anytime if for nothing more, than just to listen, i know our schedules are shitty for matching up, but anytime you need to talk, lemme know, you know i am here for ya.
Well, I dont know you so I cant make any factual comments on your attractiveness. When people are sad/depressed they have a way of making then self feel ugly, trust me I know Im a master of this.
Ill shut up now and leave you alone.