Ok, so I have decided this week that I don't understand men at all. Somebody... please throw me a bone here.
On one hand I have a guy that I was with for 2 1/2 years, and after the 8th time of hearing "I just can't deal with you anymore, I don't know how to handle you, or I'm done with this cause you're just not gonna change" I finally let him go. Now I get a guilt trip every three days about how I left him, or why I wouldn't take him back. Or how I have just "moved on with my life" while he has tried to kill himself and is out of work on a psych disability. I can't even talk about going on a date. He still lives in the house and gets upset when I spend time at home "just reminding him of what he can't have" and even more upset when I leave, because that means I am doing just fine without him. It has been 3 months now since we split, and we have tried to go out a few times with a group of mutual friends and that is even worse. If even one person pays more attention to me than to him, that means he is invisible. I feel like a prisoner sometimes in my own house, except that if I spend too much time in my own half of our 2 family house, I am just ignoring him so it's more like I'm a prisoner in his house, and being constantly reminded that I have single-handedly ruined his entire life.
The other hand isn't any better...
Here is the guy that my ex tried to set me up with, before he and I got together... been one of our closest friends for more than three years, and has always expressed an interest "if he and I ever broke up"... Well we did. A month and a half later he asked me on a date. We had been flirting all along, hung out a few times... By all rights I have seen him at least once or twice a week for the last month and a half. Two weeks ago, we finally spend the night together... That part was great, very star-crossed sort of totally unplanned, just happened to end up going to see the same friend at the same time, and left together. I always thought of him as a very decent kind of straight shootin' sort of guy... has his priorities straight, is a great dad, and has always been a great friend. We know a whole bunch of each other's dirty little secrets, and I always trusted him... until I found out on Saturday that he got married, and is right now on his honeymoon! And not even from him, but from a mutual friend! I was apparently just a last fling, or some sort of unfinished business before he "settled down". I can think of very few times in my life where I truly felt just straight out used and cheap, especially by someone I trusted.
Now let's make things a little more confusing...
How is it that right now the one guy that I truly feel the closest to, and the one who I know looks out for me and I REALLY CAN trust (Aside of course for those of you who have known me for more than 15 years, no offense...) is a womanzing, bike riding, lives with his on and off and back on girl, but keeps a second apartment as a "shag pad" bad boy, who was just waiting in the wings for me and Paul to break up for a quick fling? At least he is always honest with me, even if I hate what he has to say. We fight constantly... both arguing and physically (relax all, he is teaching me self defense and martial arts) and love every minute of it. He tells me about all his one night stands, then asks if I wanna come over for a massage. We have a constant game of one-upmanship, and never agree on anything. We butt heads at every turn and say things every other sentance just to irratate each other. But when someone talked shit about me one night, he was all over them, and when I needed help, or when my friend died last month, he was the first one to call me back.
How is it that it's always the "good ones" that let you down, and the "bad boys" are the ones who always seem to do right by me? Is it just a matter of relativity? Do we expect more from the former alter boys, so it takes less to be let down by them? And inthe same context, are our expectation of a "bad boy" so low that every decent thing they do impresses us just because we expect nothing decent to come out of it?
I just don't understand men, after 20 years of dating, and 2 children... I still just don't get it.
On one hand I have a guy that I was with for 2 1/2 years, and after the 8th time of hearing "I just can't deal with you anymore, I don't know how to handle you, or I'm done with this cause you're just not gonna change" I finally let him go. Now I get a guilt trip every three days about how I left him, or why I wouldn't take him back. Or how I have just "moved on with my life" while he has tried to kill himself and is out of work on a psych disability. I can't even talk about going on a date. He still lives in the house and gets upset when I spend time at home "just reminding him of what he can't have" and even more upset when I leave, because that means I am doing just fine without him. It has been 3 months now since we split, and we have tried to go out a few times with a group of mutual friends and that is even worse. If even one person pays more attention to me than to him, that means he is invisible. I feel like a prisoner sometimes in my own house, except that if I spend too much time in my own half of our 2 family house, I am just ignoring him so it's more like I'm a prisoner in his house, and being constantly reminded that I have single-handedly ruined his entire life.
The other hand isn't any better...
Here is the guy that my ex tried to set me up with, before he and I got together... been one of our closest friends for more than three years, and has always expressed an interest "if he and I ever broke up"... Well we did. A month and a half later he asked me on a date. We had been flirting all along, hung out a few times... By all rights I have seen him at least once or twice a week for the last month and a half. Two weeks ago, we finally spend the night together... That part was great, very star-crossed sort of totally unplanned, just happened to end up going to see the same friend at the same time, and left together. I always thought of him as a very decent kind of straight shootin' sort of guy... has his priorities straight, is a great dad, and has always been a great friend. We know a whole bunch of each other's dirty little secrets, and I always trusted him... until I found out on Saturday that he got married, and is right now on his honeymoon! And not even from him, but from a mutual friend! I was apparently just a last fling, or some sort of unfinished business before he "settled down". I can think of very few times in my life where I truly felt just straight out used and cheap, especially by someone I trusted.
Now let's make things a little more confusing...
How is it that right now the one guy that I truly feel the closest to, and the one who I know looks out for me and I REALLY CAN trust (Aside of course for those of you who have known me for more than 15 years, no offense...) is a womanzing, bike riding, lives with his on and off and back on girl, but keeps a second apartment as a "shag pad" bad boy, who was just waiting in the wings for me and Paul to break up for a quick fling? At least he is always honest with me, even if I hate what he has to say. We fight constantly... both arguing and physically (relax all, he is teaching me self defense and martial arts) and love every minute of it. He tells me about all his one night stands, then asks if I wanna come over for a massage. We have a constant game of one-upmanship, and never agree on anything. We butt heads at every turn and say things every other sentance just to irratate each other. But when someone talked shit about me one night, he was all over them, and when I needed help, or when my friend died last month, he was the first one to call me back.
How is it that it's always the "good ones" that let you down, and the "bad boys" are the ones who always seem to do right by me? Is it just a matter of relativity? Do we expect more from the former alter boys, so it takes less to be let down by them? And inthe same context, are our expectation of a "bad boy" so low that every decent thing they do impresses us just because we expect nothing decent to come out of it?
I just don't understand men, after 20 years of dating, and 2 children... I still just don't get it.
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How ya been doll?