akuma_usagi

I move in two days!

I've spent the day alone, I did visit the guy at the cornerstore, he said he'd miss me. Well not everyone is willing to pay three bucks for a shaker of pepper.

And I swear Pluto is going retrograde right now, because I am reliving some nasty grudges. Hmm, maybe not. I guess they were just suppressed so everyone else can just go along their merry way.

But my gramma has been dying, for the last five years, so who I am to say that I would like to pick the menu of my own wedding or the location for that matter. I mean who wouldn't want to be served meat when you are vegetarian in a hall that is only used as a SOUP KITCHEN!!! I am now pretending that wasn't my reception that was just some weird party I happened upon after I was married.

And just because my dad's dad would drive drunk, doesn't mean I have to put up with him driving drunk. Or the fact that he was abused means that since I was I shouldn't do anything about it because well he didn't. Even though I know for a fact that man abused countless other children. Why do anything at all? If he is still alive I wouldn't doubt he was doing it to other children.

Yah, okay I spent the day watching talkshows. Watching other brave people. I've heard that I am strong for everything that I've been through. But I don't think that I am, I just put up with everything. Like I am a doormat. I am not even in one peice. I don't value that and I think I pity the people that do.

I am way to introverted. I can't wait to go back to work, to walk longer than five minutes, go a week without puking, or an hour without peeing. I NEED TO GET OUT! get out of the house and so many different things.

I don't think I ever knew what I wanted. That I put up with so many unhappy situations cause I didn't know anything else. What do I want anyway, simple things, to be carefree, independent, ignorant/innocent, accepting/forgiving, able to look forward or at least into the here and now, an end to the situations I had no control over as a child, willing to grow up, live to my own expectations not others. And to maybe realize I am not the gloom and doom that is around me.

I feel like that I am all gloomy and dismal. Especially here, but I don't talk about this stuff with people I know, they think I should be over what happened ten years ago, or that my gloom taints their perfect world so they just don't want to hear it. And maybe I don't need to tell people, I think I need to tell myself. I need to pay attention to myself.

I also have to add how negatively people react to change. I am making postive changes for myself and it really pisses people off. But how else would they react when I was so willing just to go along with everything before.

I move in two days! I see the baby in fourteen weeks!!! I get lots and lots of presents, for the baby, but still presents! I see my grandpa when I move and he loves me! My cat loves me or at least I pretend he does! Jarrod loves me!

and we are all going to die...