Hello lovelies!
*warning - could be triggering/talk of self harm and suicide attempts*
I know I've shared this before, but it reminded me of the current blog homework which is, what would you tell your younger self? I wrote this back in 2016, after a heart break, which lead to me actually attempting suicide by overdosing which sent me to emergency. It's a long piece, which I shared on here when I first joined - but I haven't read it in years and it really helped me put things into perspective. There are so many things that I wish I could have told myself while I was writing this. Suicidegirls has been such a blessing to me, it came into my life at exactly the right time, and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I'm still on this earth to share my story with you guys.
Thank you in advance if you take the time to read this <3
Dear future me,
I really do hope that you come across this in 5-10 years time, and remember to read it. I’m going to pour my heart out to you right now. I don’t know where you are in this world right now while youre reading this, and I don’t know what youre doing, but put everything down, and read me.
Remember those seemingly little moments of your journey? Realize that they were the moments that made all the difference. I know you had dreams and goals, and I’m sure you still do. I doubt you’ve forgotten a lot about these years of your life, but let me remind you that you’ve been doing so well. You’ve let go of considerable amounts of baggage, including the weight of limiting yourself by trying to define the future. This was a manifest of your anxiety, struggling with the unknown and not being able to live in the moment. I wonder if you’re still stuck on watching the same movies over and over again, because you like to know the ending. You were learning to get comfortable with that – with all the heart-stopping unpredictability that comes with not being in control (And if youre still working on it, that’s okay, keep going.)
You’ve survived so much in your short life so far, amongst harsh reflections and a whirlwind of emotions, mistakes, hardships, rejections, failures and heartbreaks - ones that you were once convinced could not have been normal, are normal, and guess what? They became your very recipe to the happiness that resides in you in this very moment. You tried so hard to be quiet about your pain. You really did. It took endless tears, exploring different paths in life and self growth to get stronger. Your past does not define you, but will always unmistakably be a part of you. Learn from it. Learn from all that life has to offer and throws at you. Study it, and move on.
Remember that you have a voice, and never forget it again. Treat your experiences as just that, an experience. And with all the pain and triumph of your thorough self work, came a growth spurt for you, accompanied with wretchedly beautiful growing pains, during which you slowly but surely, learnt how to shine on your own. You learnt how to speak again, you had been too afraid to open up to people for so long, in the fear of them using it against you and giving you reasons to build your walls up even higher. Although anyone is to yet prove you wrong about letting someone in, the rediscovery of your long lost voice threw you head first into what felt like a new world, one with a flame so bright and so foreign that everything was as frightening as it was glorious. But let me tell you, you were absoloutely terrified, and maybe you still are but you just know how to cope with it now. You took a dive into the deepest and darkest parts of yourself and struggled with all the demons you thought you had buried for good. You’ve been asking the toughest questions and searching for the simplest answers admist the cluttered chaos violently spinning inside you. But you did what you always do
You survived.
And although I’m not doubting for a second that you struggled for a while, that learning to love yourself came and went in waves for years, I have faith that eventually, you learned to thrive, which brings me to something that I want to let you know, and you probably wish you could tell past me the exact same thing,
You’re doing just fine.
I’m sure you’re reading this and wish you could reach through this screen, back to 2016 and tell me about how things worked out in ways I least expected they would, that I should stop worrying about the insignificant things in life, to just rest in the here and now because it will pass before I know it. And believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying so so hard. I’m learning to trust again, to believe in the things I cant possibly know for sure. I’m learning that not everyone is going to have golden intentions, and that’s okay, as long as you stay true to yourself.
I’m learning the difference between letting go and giving up, but its hard to grasp sometimes. I hope you can be patient and gentle with me as I make my way through my process, and I hope the older version of myself is a lot less hard on themselves.
Give yourself a hug. Remember when you tried to end your life multiple times? Remember the times when you felt stuck and couldn’t find a way to move forward, and couldn’t possibly envision a point in which your happiness would return? Remember how you questioned your existence or your identity, trying to figure out who you really were, where you belong, and what purpose you serve? Remember when you were too scared to leave stagnant relationships and look towards the personal and spiritual growth potential within you? You made it. You’re here, you proved everyone wrong and most importantly you proved yourself wrong.
I’m still here, right now, In the middle of this thing, and that means I’m still learning a lot, remember? And I’m sure I’m going to continue learning things about myself for infinity.
I hope you’re smiling as you read this, because you understand that the choices I make today affect you and your daily life right now. I hope youre sitting there, wherever you are in the world, reading this with someone who truly adores you. And if you have a family and kids, I want you to remind your daughter every single day how much you love her and how you will always protect her. I want you to tell your son to never put his hands on his sister, or anybody. Tell him that the best thing he can do is be honest, and be gentle and patient with people he cares about because us humans love so very greatly. I want you to grab whoever you ended up with, whether I knew them as I was typing this, or they were waiting around the corner or we met years down the line, that you are thankful that they are who they are and that you love them. I wonder if youre laughing right now at how naïve I am, and how I have no idea about my own fairytail ending, that it may not be like the movies or what I’ve read in books, but to you, you cherish it and it’s special in your own kind of way. And even if you haven’t had your happy ending yet, until then, find what makes you happy and focus on chasing your dreams. Love will find you when you stop looking for it, and don’t forget to treat yourself every once in a while. Go on dates with your friends and eat pizza and drink wine. Live your life to the fullest and stop worrying about what other people think, or what other people expect. What makes YOU happy? Do it. Set goals and reward yourself when you achieve them.
But the reason I’m telling you this now, the reason I’m writing this is because I want you to remember how much you’ve already lived in the little moments that shaped your world and molded your heart in the most beautiful way. I want you to be able to close your eyes and take a deep breath, feeling all the late nights spent talking with those who knew your soul and the countless hours spent alone, deep in the pit of your thoughts and explorations. I want you to acknowledge and accept the wonders of this journey that only you could have lived – and the one that only you can continue. I want tou to feel all of that and be grateful for it, because I sure am.
And even though I am the past to you, I am still very much you. And I don’t know where you are, what you do, what path this took you on but I’m still you.
Although your life never offered you much clarity from the beginning, you have come a long way. You’ve learned to let go of fear and embrace beauty and pain for what it is. As beautiful yet terrifying as it is right now for me and was back then for you, you’ve become your own best friend, yet still manage to have an abundance of love within your heart to give to everyone – your family, friends and even strangers. I am certain that this quality of you and me will always remain. – But you see, I know that everything happening right now is part of my bigger plan for you. You should know now that all the turbulence and stress was so divinely put into my life to help me become the person I needed to be, and the person you are today. I know now that the answers will come, and I will eventually understand what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ll find someone to love and I’ll figure it out eventually.
Remember that you ae not defined by your struggles or any situation you find yourself in. You ride the waves of life with such ease now. Sometimes, it makes me want to catch up to you faster because often times, when I hit a tide, I seem to crash. I know now that my life in this moment, is a web of tangled and intricate experiences and emotions that have helped mold me into you. Trust me, I am working every single day to make myself better for you. I love the idea of growing into you – someone who dictates my own future, and is confident, wise, mature, strong, independent, charismatic and imperfect. I envision you to be the best possible version of myself.
Who cares about heart ache right now? Sure, theres nothing beautiful or poetic about it, but I know I’ll look back on these last 6 months and realize that this was the smallest portion of my life, and that I didn’t just deserve more from him, I deserved more from myself too. Don’t let all the cruel intentions of this world turn you bitter. Don’t fear rejection just because that one boy couldn’t appreciate who you are, because how will anyone else get to know you unless you put yourself out there?
I know that this surely wont be my last heart break, and who knows, maybe you’re even going through one right now as you read back on this – but just think about how many wrong people that will be in your life until you find the right one. The one that fits the puzzle. Sometimes I admit that its way too easy to settle and forget the kind of love that you deserve, and a reminder that intoxicated desire looks different a few hours later when the sun has risen. But dear future me, you deserve someone who wants to wake up to touch that place on your face where the sun seeps through the blinds and lands on your cheek. You deserve someone who constantly reminds you how beautiful you are - when you’re sleeping, when youre mad, when you cry during your favourite movies even though you’ve seen it a thousand times. You deserve someone who appreciates and admires you for who you are. You deserve someone who doesn’t agree with you all the time, but when you argue, if feels as if youre pushing eachother to be your best selves – for eachother.
You deserve someone who wants to sit down and talk with you until dusk turns dawn, about new beginnings, desires and the unknown. Someone who knows that the touch of warm skin sometimes says more than a thousand conversations could.
You deserve someone who is just as independent and driven as you are – if not more so. You deserve someone who will inspire you every single day, someone who will trust you enough to provide you with space to grow.
You deserve someone who pushes you to understand yourself, to be unashamed and courageous. When you finally stumble upon what you do deserve, from there, the rest wont matter. Have faith that it will come when the time is right. You deserve it.
Why would you feel the need to be hung up over somebody in your life that gives you anything less than these things, when there are 7 billion people on the planet? There is so much life to likve, and people youll meet along the way, so wasting your precious and valuble time on one person that only hinders your ability to see your worth is NOT okay.
Bounce back even stronger. You think you can’t take anymore? Prove yourself wrong, prove everyone wrong and be the best, strongest and most powerful version of yourself that you’ve ever seen. You love way too hard, and I think it’s because of your childhood that you cling to someone. Don’t let broken hearts stop you from loving people wholey, because one day you’re going to find someone that returns all of that love, and more. Don’t settle for anything less anymore, no second chances.
I hope that you’ve learned that just because their your family, they don’t deserve to be in your life and you don’t owe them anything, their abuse did not make you stronger, more capable of living, their abuse only provided you with an opportunity to prove what strength you’ve always had. You are so much more than what they convinced you to believe.
Sincerely,
Someone that finally knows what she deserves
Thank you @missy and @rambo for the blog homework, and reminding me how far I've come <3
All my love to you all,
Akiramai
x
