aki

I fucked up, big time.

The weekend was okay, no big excitement anywhere... we roommates mostly hid out in our dark corner of the basement watching movies, and I was just trying to relax and be anti-social for a while.

Then Saturday night comes along. I go to a party with Jon and the other neighbors, and start to get a little buzz on. Stevo had brought a girl along, and we started talking... then sittng in the same chair... then eventually she was just hanging on me constantly.

A fight over some unknown stupid personal problem erupts in the living room, so we leave. We all have to pile in a small car, so the girl sits in my lap on the frontseat. I still didn't think much of this.

Everyone's drinking more back at the neighbors' place. This time we have hard liquor, and lots of it. I'm taking swigs chased with club soda. What an idea, huh? Got fucked up pretty fast, and that's where the trouble started.

I go down to Jon's room, just going to sit and wait for him to go to bed (cause it had been a day, you know? A girl's got needs.) And instead of Jon it's the girl from earlier. She starts making out with me, and I eventually black out. I have recollections of her being topless, and removing my shirt, but nothing else.

I woke up alone, in Jon's bed, wearing one of his shirts. I go upstairs to find out that he had slept on the couch... at that time I didn't know why, so I sat and watched a bit of the morning football game with the guys there, ordered some food, and went back over to our basement to watch some more movies. I could see that Jon was either upset or tired, so I figured it would be best to give him some time alone.

As the day went on I asked everyone what had happened after I blacked out, because from what Tony told me there were people going in and out of the room as I was in Jon's bed with this girl. He tells me that was spinning records around the corner of the room, and this other kid just kept coming in to peek at us. That everyone got a good look at this girl naked, but not me cause I must have had enough sense to keep myself covered even while drunk.

After a few movies I went back next door to see if Jon wanted to watch Twin Peaks with me, and he says he's going to bed. (This is at 8 or so in the afternoon, mind you) I go to get Tony's turntable needle from Jon's room, and tell him that from what I remember, I got drunk and made a total ass of myself and that I was sorry if what I'd done had upset him... he says yeah, actually it did. Then tells me that while I was in his room making out with some strange girl, I told him to leave.

And then he walked out. I wanted to die.

I ran into him outside having a cigarette, and apologized profusely and explained that I didn't remember having done that, not that drinking is an excuse, how I can understand him being pissed at me, and then asked him if we're cool.

First he says, I don't know. Then I swear we must have been sitting there for like a half hour, in total silence, smoking and staring out at the street on a set of wet stairs while it's sprinkling out. A little of me just wanted to leave, but I figured I'd let him go first. And if he had something to say, I wanted to hear it.

Finally he says that we'll always be cool, but he needs some time to think, and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

I feel like shit. I want to rip my heart right out of my chest and stomp on it, because at least that would feel better than it does right now.

I've managed to refrain from crying in front of everyone but Chris. And even then I didn't have any huge sobs or anything, just some tears and a stuffy nose.

My hand and neck hurt pretty bad, too. My neck muscles are sore as hell and I have these two fairly deep burns on the back of my right hand. What the fuck? No one's been able to explain that yet.

I really hope Jon decides to forgive me today, because the thing I want more than anything in the whole world now is a hug from him. That's all, no more no less and I would feel so much better.
The guys over here have tried, but it's not the same.