I'm so fucking frustrated. I moved to Florida a month ago. I was promised by my significant other's family, and himself, many things that reassured me about this move. It was an awful idea and my own family and friends warned me. I didn't listen and trusted the words of others. It was the grass on the other side.
It's been miserable trying to get jobs. I barely have two jobs, and it's not enough. My health insurance is only in the tri-state area of MD, VA, and DC. I'm out of network here. I had medicaid in MD; I didn't realize crossing state lines I'd have to reapply to FL's medicaid. I just got a letter saying I've been denied. I don't make enough money and I've been denied. I'm separated from my cats who mean the world to me, they are everything to me, and I've been living apart from them for a month now. I can't afford gasoline for the one car that's legal to drive AND food to eat. I was on food stamps in MD, and I can't get them here in FL; I don't meet those requirements either. The internet is uploading at a speed of around 1mbps, so my "streaming" is utter garbage and is 1fps. So I can't hope to make any sort of income from that either, and that wasn't even really a thing I thought would happen. I had photographers in MD who I felt comfortable with, and I was known in the area and had shoots lined up all the time. The photographers here don't work TFP, and they're expensive; my next SGH set will be amazing but will cost me all the tip money I have to spend on anything that isn't a necessity. That's how hopeful I am as a Suicide Girl Hopeful. I want to make modeling a source of income in general, and I am realizing I can't do that without investing some money. I've been lucky to meet so many photographers who would work TFP with me up until now.
I'm so fucking frustrated. It seems everything in my life is just falling apart. I am scared. I feel like I'm clamoring at life, I'm helplessly grasping at it to keep the pieces from flying apart and ripping me to pieces. I'm sitting here crying because I just can't keep myself together anymore. I've been trying so hard to convince myself that everything will work out in the end, that everything will be ok. When we moved down here, his mother promised the house we would be renting from her just needed a couple weeks' worth of fixing-up and we could move in. It turned out she was fucking delusional and the place should actually be condemned by the health department. It's been a month and we are homeless; his grandmother is giving us a room to stay in for now while we find a mobile home to put in her back yard, on her 2 acres. She is buying us a house. Because she is a fucking saint and I don't know if I would have survived myself if everything really, truly fell apart like it almost did.
My life is a fucking mess right now and I'm unstable and I'm so fucking tired. I have no friends here. I have no family here. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and every day I'm having to delude myself more and more, pretending things will get better. I'm trying really hard to keep a grip. I know things could be worse. Honestly, fucking truly honestly, I don't think I would have survived if his grandmother didn't step in to help us the way she is. Despite everything else that isn't working out, I am so fucking grateful for her generosity. I'm trying to help her with everything I can; she's 83, and she's still spry, but she does need help sometimes. Of all his family, I do truly love her. She's the entire reason we moved down here; her health is faltering, and he has always felt awful being so far away and only being able to visit her once a year. I brought up the idea of moving here to be near her the rest of her life, however long that might be. She is literally the only thing keeping our world, my world, my sanity, under control. The only thing keeping me alive is the love for my cats.
I don't know how long I can do this. I keep reminding myself things could be worse. It's starting to become tiresome and it's starting to not work anymore.
@catdad was telling me about how on the old SG, people never had to do "blog homework" because everyone would write blogs anyway, and it would just be a stream of consciousness type of thing. Well, I've been needing to get this off my chest for a month. Of all people, I think you guys will be the most understanding, and helpful. Or at least just let me vent. I don't know. Thank you guys for being you guys.
I can't stop crying now. I think I'm broken. Everything hurts.
